The Chicago Sun-Times is fighting the power … with limericks

April 17th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Getting all worked up about changing Wrigley Field’s ancient name is pretty lame. Know what’s lamer? Stoking the anti-change populist fires in a sad, desperate attempt at drawing attention to your newspaper. Know what’s even lamer than that? Doing so with limericks. Yes: freaking limericks.

The Sun-Times seems to be running one of these “Let Sam Zell know what you think!” community stories every third day now, and today’s installment is yet another proud edition to the pantheon. Keep in mind, as you read on in horror, that these were chosen as the best from a “flood” of entries. Taking these apart piece by piece is kinda mean, so instead I’ll just let the artists’ work stand on its own. Order your cappuccino, adjust your beret, and politely close your MacBook Pro away — it’s the first annual WATP Poetry Slam!

The state wants to buy Wrigley Field,
for the rent money that it will yield.
With a corporate name
It won’t be the same,
And the wound will never be healed.

Change Wrigley’s name? We deplore it,
We hate all the bad reasons for it.
If a company should,
We’ll boycott their goods
And the corporate name, we’ll ignore it.

For every sad generation
That has left Wrigley Field in frustration,
Between the foul poles
We have given our souls
And resent any new appellation.

To tradition true Cubs fans will cleave, and
embrace history and hope in ”Believe”-land
But if we listen to Zell
we might as well sell
the name “Chicago” to Cleveland. 

I spend a decent amount of time thinking about people of the future will look back on our society. (This thought precludes the possibility that we destroy the Earth in like 50 years, but whatever.) And I get to thinking, and I genuinely believe this. Humans in 2100 will look back at our era as I look at the Renaissance — as a time of incredible positive discovery, innovation, and conscientiousness, a time just as formative as any in the history of the human race. That makes me feel good, you know? That after I’m gone, the things my peers are doing will live on forever as the foundations for a more interconnected, intelligent future.

And then I read things like this, and it brings me back. Because no matter what people in the future think, when I die, I’ll know the truth: we are, as ever, remarkably stupid.

Wrigley Fields only 17 years away from suicide

September 24th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

As we gear up for what should — repeat, knocking on wood: should — be a Cubs playoff berth, it’s time to brace for the legendary bandwagon Cubs fan, the one who just sort of started paying attention last week but who is totally ready to go buy a Marmol jersey if, you know, they do well in the NLDS or something, bro. These are the same people who likely snatched up all the tickets yesterday, rendering me ticketless for Game 1, and these will be the same people that, should the Cubs win — which isn’t going to happen — will be thanking God for ending their lifetime of misery as if they invested anything in the first place.

These people deserve to be hated. So, crazy as it is, there’s something to be said for fans so hardcore, so eager to demonstrate their love, they’re willing to indirectly push their son to suicide by the time he’s 16.

That’s right: some idiots named their kid Wrigley Fields:

His parents say he can go by his middle name when he’s old enough to decide.

For now, the newborn will be known by his first name: Wrigley.

And his last name: Fields.

His parents are Paul and Teri Fields of Michigan City, Ind. They are — no surprise — fans of the Cubs, who have played at Wrigley Field since 1916. The Fields planned the name for years before their son’s birth.

Cubs spokeswoman Katelyn Thrall said the name may be a first. The team has no record of other children named Wrigley, although there have been some children names Zambrano and Ryne after Cubs stars Carlos Zambrano and Ryne Sandberg.

Hey, nothing says welcome to Earth, babies like selfishness! Giving your son a unique name is cool; chances are, one day, he’ll get past the schoolyard crap and grow to love the fact that he’s not named Michael or Jake or Steve or whatever else. Giving your son a name inspired by your favorite baseball team’s stadium is a terrible, terrible thing to do. But at least no one can call the Fields bandwagon fans ever again, and that’s what’s most important, right?

{HT: SbB}