Plus, you know he’d just make Phil his caddy

September 19th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

As the Ryder Cup approaches and the U.S. squad (literally) sings its current captain, Tom Lehman’s, praises, an important question arises.

When - not if, but when - will Tiger Woods be the U.S. Ryder Cup team captain?

Straightforward, but complex. Tiger seems to have all of the qualities inherent in any sort of quality sporting captain. He’s far and away the best player in the world, allowing him to assert a certain moral authority over poorer players; he’s renowned for his mental and physical preparation, a quality that could trickle down to his teammmates; and he’s the one player that could, by sheer force of will alone, carry a losing side even in the most finite of ways. Not only that, but he’s been on a tear lately, a streak of play that reminded everyone he is the best there is and perhaps ever was.

That’s nice. But it doesn’t change the fact that Tiger Woods would be a terrible Ryder Cup captain.

SI.com’s Mike McAllister covered this topic brilliantly yesterday, but it bears further examination. Though McAllister treats such a coronation as though it’s simply a matter of time (and it might well be), making Tiger Woods captain is a bad, bad idea, one that will not benefit the U.S. as much as it will hurt them.

Captains, in any sport, have to be transcendent past the “best player” designation. That approach only works in rec-league soccer. In professional sports, a captain must be both ancillary to the team and embedded in it, functioning both as “one of the guys” and a coach on the field.

Tiger is capable of the latter, but would fail miserably at the former. He is not one of the guys, nor could he ever be. He’s Tiger fucking Woods. He’s the guy that dominates you every week, that (supposedly) just about every player on tour seriously dislikes. He’s not your buddy, no matter how much he sings and lets down his guard and has a beer here and there. He is Tiger fucking Woods, born to squash puny mortals.

Add to that the fact that Woods has never performed well in the Ryder Cup, that his rivalry with team heavy Mickleson is well-documented, that his own desire to succeed sometimes drives him to disgust with himself, disgust that would probably not be best received by team members and, well, you can see where this is going.

Is Tom Lehman the answer? So far, no. But Tiger Woods isn’t either, and ambitious and exciting as the prospect of him leading the American charges into quiet, serene golf-battle is, it’s hard to envision that story with a happy ending.