There was a particularly important game of football last night

February 4th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

We’ll get to the real reason to elicit actual emotion about last night’s game — Mercury Morris — in a little bit, but in the meantime, some assorted thoughts:

– The talk at the day job today has been the defensive mastery on both sides of the ball. While that’s partially true, watching last night I didn’t feel like I was watching a defensive test of wills. I felt like I was watching two teams play relatively conservative football. Without sounding too much like Bill Simmons this morning (whose column does the graceful loser bit quite well, actually), where did the aggressive, let’s-see-if-you-can-stop-this Patriots offense go? When did the screen pass become such a regular part of their arsenal? Why all the conservatism? the few downfield plays the Pats did attempt were usually poor throws by Brady, so maybe the Patriots were right to pull the reins in a little bit. Still, I wanted the big-dick Patriots back. They were more fun to hate, and infinitely more fun to watch.

– I know football locker rooms are a haven for repressed homoeroticism, but Tedy Bruschi and Junior Seau took it a bit too far last night. I would find a photo, but I’d rather not relive their celebration of Randy Moss’ go-ahead touchdown. Ew.

– Speaking of Moss, he might be the only Patriots player worthy of pity today. He reformed his act this year, supressed that me-first instinct that I’d grown to love about him, and just as he does all that, a Super Bowl is stolen from him at the last minute by … Eli Manning. It just goes to show you: teamwork and selflessness are vastly overrated.

– Here’s the question I asked myself after the Patriots lost: What will they be like next year? Will they use this as ever-more fuel for their stupid “no one respects us” fire? Or will they come out flat, as mortals again, last night the final throes of their dynasty? They’ll still be every bit as stacked offensively next year, but it’s hard not to think how last night’s loss resembled the last days of the Yankee dynasty, when an aging behemoth lost to a random plucky underdog (and when Luis Gonzalez hit the least-convincing World Series-winning RBI of all time). Time will tell.

Phew. That was kind of a lot of talk about football this early in the morning. I need a beer.

Tom Brady, Bill Belichick are master linguists

October 16th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

As noted yesterday on many a blog channel, some guy who seemed to be transported from the Halcyon days of yore showed up Sunday in Dallas for the post-game presser and asked some ridiculously worded question to Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. (Apparently, it was some radio stunt. Which sort of ruins the whole thing.) But alas, here’s the Dreamboat and the Hooded Warlock’s exchange with this prospector:

And now for Belichick:

These Patriots, they do no wrong.

I prefer Google Maps

February 6th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

Via the Fanhouse and the always entertaining EDSBS, comes this handy little college football recruiting map. Just select a school and BAM! it spits out where all the program’s recruits are located geographically. (With signing day looming tomorrow, this isn’t quite up to date all the way yet.)

I can only assume this idea is about to take off. In fact, I bet you Matt Leinart and Tom Brady already have this set up for the amount of women they’ve each boned. Obviously, Tom has the leg up on the East Coast, with Leinart holding down the trim on the Left Coast.

It’s all just a battle for the Midwest now, folks.

Weekend Fun: These playoffs are killing me inside

January 19th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

We ought to apologize for our relative lack of football coverage this week (or coverage of any sort, really), but, see, it’s been hard on us. It’s one of those things that should be fun but that you put off forever because you’re so scared about it - you know, like moving out of your mother’s basement and getting a real job, you burnout. Day by day, it’s gotten more and more difficult to think about the NFL Playoffs. The Bears won, and I was still a Lindsay Lohan-level emotional wreck for two hours afterward. I can’t remember the last time I cried … but I was dangerously close to breaking the streak Sunday. (Don’t worry, I held off. I know, I’m just that tough.)

Anyway, the hour of reckoning is nearly upon us, so I suppose we should spend a little time trying to vitiate these two match ups to the best of anyone’s ability. Considering I thought the Colts were set to get worked last weekend, and persuaded myself that Marty could somehow prevent a playoff meltdown, my credibility is dangerously low. On the bright side, I went two-for-two in the NFC, so that’s … good, right?

Off we go …

Saints at Bears, 3 p.m. EST, Fox

Ho, boy. What am I going to do? A small part of me wants to feel bad about rooting against the Saints, but come on: the hype about a football team resurrecting a city and all of that, while nice and trite and all, isn’t really tangible in any way. I love New Orleans as much as the next guy, but the Lower 9th Ward isn’t going to even marginally improve if they go to Super Bowl. Electricity isn’t going to be reinstalled any more quickly, houses aren’t going to be cleaned out, and relocated refugees aren’t coming back any sooner. Can we agree on all of this? Can I feel OK for rooting for the Bears now? Glad we cleared that up.

As far as the actual football game (remember, that’s all it is), I’m terrified. Half-crippled Sean Alexander waddled for over 100 yards last week against the Bears - what will a healthy McAllister-Bush do to them? And with Drew Brees behind center, there’s no real way to prepare defensively for this team. Ugh.

But the Bears do have an offense of their own and a legitimate deep threat in Bernard Berrian. That’s good, because the Saints corners are some of the slower and thus most vulnerable in the league. The Bears defense isn’t what it used to be, but it might just be good enough to keep the offensive task manageable for the Sex Cannon.

I can talk myself into this further, or we can get down to brass tax: Bears 30, Saints 27

Patriots at Colts, 6:30 p.m EST, CBS

Ugh. We have to go through this again? Unless you’re a Colts or a Patriots fan (and let’s just hope you’re not a part of either wretched fan base), this is a lose-lose situation. Either the Patriots win, and we get to hear more about Belichick and Brady and their relative genius and Gisele Bundchen and GQ and Tedy Brussssssschi and walking out as a team and dancing like Shawne Merriman and - enough already! Really, we get it. The Patriots do more with less. Bully for them, but I’d prefer not to have every prominent sportswriter in the country reinforcing already commonly held tenets.

On the other hand, if Peyton Manning puts the Nokia phone away long enough to actually win this game, those same sportswriters that would have beaten Gisele to Brady’s knob will be all over Manning’s, wrestling like a thousand snakes fighting for one tiny, shriveled rat. (How’s that for a visual image? Beat that, Capote!) If Manning wins, we will be subjected to an unstoppable array of Manning-related fellatio. And I can’t stomach that.

So here’s the solution: The Colts win, but Manning plays horribly again. Peter King might go out on a limb for him, but at least the cascade of praise will be reasonably limited. This route also prevents any Patriots-fan gushing, and should stunt most of the media week nonsense. So even though most Colts fans I know are dicks, here goes nothing: Colts 22, Patriots 13

That hurt me way more than it hurt you.

Day Two of MannBradying Week: Tom totally has the hotter girlfriend

January 16th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Hey, competition is competition, and when it comes to pleasing the ladies, Thomas Brady will not be outdone.

From the Boston Herald, via The Big Lead:

Word from San Diego is that supermodel Gisele Bundchen - who once professed her admiration for the New England Patriots [team stats] QB/QT - was outside the Pats’ locker room after Tom & Co. shocked the Chargers on Sunday.

“She was standing outside the locker room, just kind of leaning against the wall,” said our spy in the bowels of QualComm Stadium. “No one noticed her, she was dressed like a high-school kid, just in jeans and a T-shirt. But she is gorgeous.”

Adding fuel to this possible Gisele-Brady hook-up is the fact that the Victoria’s Secret’s sweetheart was in the company of Tom’s go-to guy Will McDonough, (no relation to the late columnist).

“He’s Tom’s Do-Boy,” said our spy. “If she was with him, she was headed for Tom.”

Your move, Manning.

One can imagine Peyton spotting Gisele around the locker room, or reading this somewhere, cursing under his breath and “saying: God, please. Seriously. This isn’t funny anymore. It’s really not. He can have the three Super Bowls, and the 12-1 playoff record … and even the hot supermodel girlfriends. I honestly don’t care. I JUST WANT ONE. I work harder than anyone in the league, I’m very funny in commercials … please, PLEASE, just let me win one. I really don’t think I’m asking for that much here.”

At which point God, in his infinite wisdom, will laugh heartily and cause Manning to have an arm-spasm mid-throw while the football glides gently into the outstretched arms of Roosevelt Colvin. And he will look upon his work, and it will be good.