Terrell Owens enjoys women’s sports

March 12th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

Without digging too deeply into this — because this is a large-held debate not fit for a quick post on this blog — by and large, women’s sports aren’t as aesthetically pleasing as men’s. I don’t think there is anything overtly sexist in that statement: watch a women’s basketball game, then a men’s, then get back to me on that. However, if there are two women’s sports I diverge from my stereotypical male counterpoints and do enjoy watching, it’s high-quality softball and volleyball. They’re fast-paced, exciting and the athletes involved are usually pretty stellar.

So that’s why when I read T.O. was chilling at a U.S. women’s softball game in Florida recently, no scoffing was necessary. From team member Cat Osterman’s blog:

Our Hollywood stop ended on a fun note. Toward the end of the game someone noticed Terrell Owens outside our dugout. We spent five minutes debating if it was really him or a look-a-like, but then we saw him sign an autograph and we all got excited. He came onto the field after the game and a few of us bugged him for autographs and pictures. He was really nice and honored all our requests.

Take the hat off, Terrell. We want to see your beautiful face. I mean, how else are you going to get that modeling career rocking and rolling?

{All links via FanHouse.}

It’s probably because he uses Amp’d Mobile

November 22nd, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

The text-messaging stories are creeping up on us again. Heaven help us all.

This time, it’s T.O. saying he will not send Donovan McNabb a “Get Well Soon” text message in regards to McNabb’s torn ACL.

“Absolutely not.”

Dick.

And Owen’s is still contending he never received a “hang in there” text message from McNabb after he tried to kill himself tried to gain publicity took too many pills, even though McNabb says he sent one to T.O.

I think I’ve figured out the problem with No. 81 and his cell phone mishaps. Dude must have Amp’d Mobile.

Son, you know Amp’d is weak. Sure, its commercials are pretty funny, but seriously, do you know anyone who uses Amp’d Mobile? Would a rational human being ever subscribe to its service? I’m sure it’s just dropped after dropped call and you only receive like, half of the text messages people send you.

Addendum: It appears as if T.O. probably uses Boost Mobile. Equally terrible cellular service in my book.

Packaging Terrell and sending him on his way

September 28th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Since I have no idea what to make of Terrell Owens - besides that jokes about him swallowing 30 percocet are best followed up with a “Brett Farve at breakfast” rip - let’s try to synthesize the Web’s opinion of the whole damn mess, and then never, ever mention it again. Or at least until we have nothing better to talk about.

First, three of our favorite blogs/writers anywhere. The Big Lead notes that there is no overriding reason for T.O. to have offed himself, and that he’s never been diagnosed as bi-polar. Deadspin focuses on Kim Etheredge, who’s quite possibly the worst publicist of all time because she’s a halfway-decent human being. Pat Forde relives the circus that is Owens, even sneaking in a little well-deserved media criticism 1/3 of the way down the page.

SI.com has removed the Owens spread as its top topic in favor of Reilly’s Riffs (oh boy), but is still smothering that bad boy with coverage. Don Banks examines Terrell’s strange day in the context of the Cowboys’ season, Dr. Z writes a somewhat fascinating take on T.O.’s psychiatric health, or lack thereof, and the ever-youthy Michael Silver peers out over his sweet silver shades just long enough to let us know that T.O. just needs some time and space to heal. Fair enough, I guess.

Our buddy Dan Shanoff sums up columnist conversation around the country quite tidily, MJD says anything’s on the table, Christine Brennan wonders how to suddenly “feel sorry for a clown” and laments the “ebb and flow of life in the NFL.”

The most interesting take I’ve seen on the whole thing probably comes from Bethlehem Shoals over at Free Darko, who’s considering giving up on the NFL entirely after our cultural mishandlings of this and the Superdome re-opening. Whether you agree with it or not, it’s a different sort of dissent, which is what the NFL needs most these days.

Oh, and us? Well, besides getting into a tiffy about suicide jokes yesterday, I think it’s safe to say that T.O. might have tried to kill himself. Also, he might not have. Also, he might be dead, and fooling everyone with a remarkably life-like hologram his Webmaster created. Also, it’s possible that Drew Rosenhaus snuck extra pills in his supplements to drum up public sympathy. It’s possible that he and his publicist were trying to get down on some ecstacy and things got confusing. It’s possible that T.O. is the coming of the Antichrist those Left Behind dudes tried to warn us about, and now he’s got us right in the palm of his hand.

Also, it’s possible he’s just a disturbed guy who got a crazy idea in his head for a little bit, who feels very embarrased and sad today. Maybe he’s got a new lease on life. Maybe not.

Either way, it’s over, which means this is it. T.O.’s off the radar; it’s the only way we can do the situation, and ourselves, any justice.

When jokes aren’t funny (besides the ones we try to tell, of course)

September 27th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

In the words of R. Kelly, usually I don’t do this…but let’s break ‘em off a little piece of the moral outrage…

Call me sensitive, or grumpy, or whatever. It’s not OK to make suicide jokes, OK?

This is a bit of a sore subject, because I had a friend freshman year of college who decided that facing the impending Sunday morning was less attractive than jumping out of our 9th floor dorm’s window. An experience like that might make me touchy, I admit. I walked around campus for two or three months snapping at random people I heard making quips about the “new parachuting major Briscoe dorm was offering.” Not funny.

Not funny about my friend. Not funny about Terrell Owens.

Look, jokes are fun. We try - and fail miserably - to make them on this site every day. We joke about people we don’t know, and we make fun of lots of people, whether they deserve it or not. It’s a good time. If we couldn’t insult people we’ve never met, we couldn’t get through Joe Morgan’s grating on Sunday Night Baseball, for god’s sake.

But when you’re laughing at the expense of someone else’s mental state, someone who is confused and depressed and scared to the point that he finds it acceptable to stuff his stomach with sleeping pills, even though he is a rich, famous, best-in-the-league wide receiver, you’re only casting your own insecurities on someone who embodies everything you dislike about yourself. Don’t do it.

Usually, TO is the joke. He’s a clown; he fucks around all the time; he makes a spectacle of himself. This could be something similar, but I doubt it, and until I know for sure, I’m going to refrain from making any jokes about being a quitter or not giving 110% or the fantasy football waiver wire. That seems to be the safest, sensitive route for now. After he gets out of the hospital and starts screaming about how Jeff Garcia tried to anally rape him when he was passed out - if it looks like a rat, remember, it’s a rat - then we can get back after it.

Let’s hold off on the rips, at least for a little bit. Cool? Cool. Now enough with the moralizing - let’s talk some more about baseball and boozing with Mark Cuban.

(EDIT: Now that TO says he didn’t try to commit suicide - even though he probably did - I think it’s probably OK to unleash the fury. Probably.)

The Wonderful World of T.O.

July 19th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

Terrell, Terrell, Terrell.

First, there was your shameless book promotion on “The Jimmy Kimmel Show” Monday night, brilliantly chronicled by the Big Lead.

Then, after you whined to Bryant Gumbel about your relationship with the media, the Mighty MJD wrote a scathing piece, writing you off and forever losing interest in your soap-opera infused dramatics.

But, we here at the Postmen remember a simpler time. Yes, it’s the infamous “no comment” clip, filmed shortly after T.O. was asked to leave Eagles training after a dispute with Andy Reid.

This is when T.O. used to be mildly amusing.

Watch, smile, remember when and note the creepy little boy taking pictures on his cell phone of Owens’ shirtless body.

T.O.’s Not-So- “Lazy Sunday”

April 6th, 2006 | Posted by Matt

Terrell Owens, mark your calendar. It may seem like a trivial Sunday afternoon next fall, but October 8 means a hell of a lot to Eagles fans.

October 8 cannot come soon enough for the Eagles organization, fans and players - especially Donovan McNabb. It will be a Week 5 matchup between the Eagles and the Cowboys and a bizarre reunion between Owens and his former team - more awkward than seeing that ex-girlfriend of yours from high school who somehow dropped 20 pounds and finally learned how to apply her makeup (you all know what I’m talking about).

So T.O., you might want to put some extra padding in that helmet, strap on some extra rib guards and run out of bounds absolutely anytime you can. The Eagles will do anything they can to injure you, and injure you bad.

It won’t be a Lazy Sunday in Philadelphia.