Daddy, why are the draft men yelling?

April 28th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Because this is the most important day of the year for the draft men, sweetie, and neither like having their authority challenged by the other. Really, though, they’re both just as irritated ESPN’s coverage of the draft as everyone else. Let’s go over to Mike Tirico, and back to Chris Berman, who wants to share stupid nicknames with you now, and ohmygodwhatisKeyshawn wearing, and back to you, Stuart Scott, and which camera am I supposed to look into now, and wow these graphics are really shiny and distracting but at least the countdown builds some semblance of suspense, and wow Steve Young’s hand gestures are really distracting and unconvincing, and if I get up and go get another beer and, say, watch Ratatouille in its entirety and maybe read the collected works of Dostoevsky will I actually miss anything, and … let’s go back to Tirico. Mike?

AHHHHHHH.

Snoop Dogg ain’t no old-ass white man

April 12th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Despite the best efforts of brave bloggers the world over, Don Imus will STILL not go away.

The discussion has now changed from what should be done with Imus to just how bad the word “ho” is, which something we should probably iron out while we have the chance.

We’ve had all sorts of justifications of the word floating around today. Stuart Scott apparently thinks it’s a term of endearment within the hip hop community, a sentiment which serves to prove nothing except that Scott is really, really, out of touch with hip hop culture. And this is coming from a white dude from Iowa.

Now, we’ve got Snoop, who has taken a break from avoiding prison time and presumably smoking some of the stickiest icky in the world to offer us his opinion of the word “ho.” Yes, it’s a doozy:

“[Rappers] are not talking about no collegiate basketball girls who have made it to the next level in education and sports. We’re talking about ho’s that’s in the ‘hood that ain’t doing sh–, that’s trying to get a n—a for his money. These are two separate things. First of all, we ain’t no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC.”

This is true, Snoop: you ain’t no old-ass white men that sit up on MSNBC. (Technically, neither is Don Imus, since MSNBC is done simulcasting his show now.) To be truthful, I’ve heard this argument about “ho” many times, especially from Tupac, who used to take the brunt of criticism for his oftentimes misogynistic lyrics. His justification was much the same as Snoop’s: if they don’t want to be called ho’s, they shouldn’t act like ho’s.

Sorry, Snoop, sorry Tupac. As much as I love you guys, saying “ho” is probably bad in any context, even if she’s going after your money, which, ladies, ain’t cool, yo. That is, of course, unless you mean “ho” in a friendly way. Right Stuart? Right?!?

We’re totally being ESPN anchors for Halloween next year

December 14th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

These dapper fellows scoff at the notion of traditional Halloween costumes. Ghost? Hell nah. Mummy? Yeah right. Steve Irwin? We ain’t stooping that low.

It’s all about ESPN’s on-air talents, baby. From left to right, we have Scott Van Pelt, Stuart Scott and Mike Tirico.

The Scott Van Pelt guy actually pulls it off pretty well.

As for Stu Scott, the suit and eyeglasses combo is spot on. Something else is a little off though. I can’t quite place my finger on it. Can someone help me out here?

(Oh, and if the dudes in the picture ever run across this post, it’s all in good fun guys. Please don’t hurt me. Please.)

Oh, Sports Guy - you slay me!

July 13th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Now hold on. Before you think I’m being sarcastic here, let me assure you. I am not. I actually really, really like the Sports Guy, despite a brief slump, I guess you would call it, earlier this year. Otherwise, he’s been brilliant for just about as long as I’ve read him.

Something funky is indeed going on over at his place of employment, however. Not only did he not know about that little gambling blog thing ESPN is starting up, he seems to be carving out his outsider status over there even more, with a greater ability to diss colleagues. Don’t believe me? Check out these two zingers from his chat yesterday:

Chris Berman (Bristol, Conn): You’re with me, Sports Guy.Bill Simmons: (Trying to fight off 100,000 bolts of electric current …)

Ken (Tarzana, CA): Your’re subbing for Kornheiser on PTI. Who do you want sitting next to you? Stuart Scott or Skip Bayless?

Bill Simmons: (2:04 PM ET ) How drunk am I allowed to be before I go on the air?

The first one, with the slick Berman reference, is kinda funny, but so many people know that little story it’s past its point. The second one is much funnier, if only because I can imagine both Stu and Skip hearing about the little jab and flipping out on one of the Page 2 editors or the Buzzmaster. Hilarious. The really interesting thing is that these little remarks are even making it past whatever chat moderator is working with Simmons. Maybe he doesn’t have a moderator? Even better.

Throw in Bill’s ongoing feud with Screamin’ A Smith, and you’ve got an ESPN writer who not only realizes his ability, but who capitalizes on the knowledge that a lot of the people he works for - and works with - are five-compartment toolboxes.