When Prostituting Goes Wrong: Ronaldo edition

April 29th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

This is surely to be everywhere today — if it’s not already, haven’t checked really –but everyone’s favorite fat Brazilian soccer and AC Milan star Ronaldo got into a bit of a predicament recently. You see, he was all set for a nice night with a few prostitutes. But then he found out they had penises. WHOOPS.

Nogueira said the altercation began when Ronaldo found out he was dealing with transvestites instead of women. The inspector said Ronaldo admitted he knew they were prostitutes when they met earlier Sunday night but did not realize they were transvestites until they got to the motel.

“He admitted to everything, he wanted to have fun,” Nogueira said. “But he committed no crime at all, it was immoral at best.” Prostitution is not illegal in Brazil.

The AC Milan striker told police he offered to pay the transvestites anyway, but before he left one of them allegedly asked for $30,000 to hide the story from the media.

Nogueira said he believed Ronaldo’s version because the transvestite decided to leave the police station even before being fully questioned by authorities.

This sounds like a gag I’ve seen in movies and TV shows. Except it really happened. To a soccer player. Awesome. And, you know, Ronaldo handled this rather well. I mean, not only is this kind of stuff legal in Brazil, but I’m sure these transvestites were at least 18-years-old. Maybe even in their twenties.

/Roger Clemens boards jet to Brazil

Minor league team tries exploiting Roger Clemens

March 19th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

If there’s one thing you can count on minor league baseball teams for, it’s their wacky and wild promotions. (Wear your superman costume to ballpark night! Britney Spears night! Beat your wife and children night!) When you are starving for fans, this all makes sense. If the product on the field isn’t reeling them in, surely some zany promotional stunt will. (I’ve just used the words “wacky,” “wild” and “zany” in this post. Great success.)

So it should come as no surprise to anyone that the Huntsville Stars are coming after Roger Clemens. To be their mascot. (Via Fark.)

Stars’ officials said with the upcoming introduction of the new Orion/ARES rocket and the Stars’ new logo, which prominently features a rocket, the team feels the introduction of ‘Rocket’ as the Stars’ new mascot makes perfect sense.

If he accepts the offer, Clemens, as ‘Rocket,’ would dress as an astronaut and interact with fans and assist in on-field promotions during the team’s 70-game home schedule when Homer the Polecat is not available.

“Clemens is a small town guy, and he’d fit in great in Huntsville,” said Stars General Manager Buck Rogers. “The Huntsville/Madison County community has been great to me in my first few weeks here, and I’m sure they’ll accept Clemens too.”

Rogers said that Clemens’ contract in Huntsville might not be as lucrative as his former Major League contracts, but it would contain incentives.

In addition to his $25 per game salary, he would receive meal vouchers redeemable at the concession stands for one hotdog and one soft drink each night, and a 15 percent employee discount at our team’s souvenir store, The Backstop Shop.

What are the odds of someone filling out a perfect bracket for the NCAA tournament? One in 7.2 trillion? Pretty similar odds of Clemens actually doing this. But hey, free hot dogs? Count me in.

COTM: Spreading the wealth

December 17th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

Do to my move this weekend and the fact that my new place was devoid of cable or the Internet and I had a dead phone, I have no clue what’s going on in the world. Literally, aliens could have landed somewhere in the loop and slowly worked their way north plotting my death or anal probe yesterday, and I would have had no idea. So as I try to catch up, here’s how I’m doing it:

I have this idea of Tony Romo’s bedroom: Tony’s lying there in his pink bed with a Jessica Simpson poster above it so he can greet her every morning. He probably just lays in bed a lot as her song “I Think I’m in Love You” plays on repeat via his iPod. He sings along to the whole thing, too. Just a thought I had, really. {FanHouse}

Andy Pettitte admitted to taking HGH. Good for him. The best part of all this is it makes Roger Clemens looking that much more douchey. Always a plus in my book. {Sports Biz with D. Rov}

E.J. didn’t lose a step. In fact, he may have gained a few. (So what if it was against Western Carolina?) {Hoosier Scoop}

It’s peanut butter jelly time in Ann Arbor. Les Miles is in fact, not a liar. {MGoBlog}

I think the Dolphins winning is great. They’re going to have some great momentum heading into Week 16. Also, Wayne Huizenga apparently cried after the win. {FanNation}

Oh, and our comments still aren’t working. I’m going to try and flesh that out this evening, hopefully. No promises, though.

Yes, I can totally see Roger Clemens pulling this stunt

June 15th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

I have a feeling the above video is going to make the rounds today, but frankly, that is of no matter to me. This is a nice little short film about Roger Clemens in the year 2057. Brian Cashman Jr. is your general manager; Roger Clemens is a senile old man. But he’s the Rocket! And he wants to pitch!

If I’m still blogging at 95, hopefully I have the same attitude as the actor portraying Clemens here does. He’s got a real zest for life, no?

Via Boston Dirt Dogs.

Do not chew tobacco around Roger Clemens

May 31st, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

Because if you were to chew tobacco in front of the Rocket, he will chastise you about it while sporting a Reebok windbreaker. Then, out of nowhere, horrific images of mouth cancer will flash.

The kid’s nervous laugh at the end tells me he’s learned his lesson. I know I’ve learned mine.

(HT: Fellow MLB FanHouser Red of Surviving Grady who I believe uploaded the video onto YouTube as well.)

Roger Clemens flaunting his money, one minor league ballpark stop at a time

June 7th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

Roger Clemens began his trip back to the Astros last night, giving up one run in three innings of work for the single A Lexington Legends.

As many of you know, his son Koby plays third base for the Legends and seeing father and son play together last night was oh so cute.

Clemens also threw down some scrilla to spruce up the Legends clubhouse.

Until Sunday afternoon, the home clubhouse at Applebee’s Park wasn’t much of a place to hang out. There was only one small television and an old, musty couch in the center. By Sunday evening, Roger Clemens had furnished the clubhouse with four new black leather couches, two love seats, a 42-inch plasma television, a 20-inch television, a microwave, DVD and a VCR. As an added measure, Clemens hired a cleaning crew to have all the showers and counters scrubbed. When the Lexington Legends arrived from their trip at 3:30 a.m. Monday, they were stunned to see their new digs.…

Out of respect for Clemens, Lucas wouldn’t divulge how much Clemens spent. But the television is advertised for $2,069, and it’s clear the total bill ran close to $7,000.

Really, this is a nice gesture by the cagey veteran to this group of youngsters, so I’m trying to refrain from making some sarcastic remark about the man’s wealth. However, I just used the calculator on my laptop and discovered that $7,000 is well under one percent of the reported $13 million Clemens is going to make this season, so he barley spent any money on these guys.

What a cheap ass.

Clemens’ Internal Dialogue: I’m better than you

May 31st, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

After initially denying the report yesterday, the Astros have called a presser to officially announce Roger Clemens will be rejoining the team to the tune of about 13 million for the remainder of the season.

And thanks to our telekinetic powers, we were able to channel Roger’s internal dialogue about the whole matter.

Man, I am above the f’n law, for real. I have a bazillion wins/strikeouts and am one of the greatest pitchers of all-time. So why go to the Astros and slouch around during spring training and the beginning of the season, when I can swoop in when they drop 6.5 games behind the Cardinals and start to panic, allowing me to come in and look like a savior.

13 million for just over 100 games in which I’ll probably pitch somewhere between 15-20. I’m rich, bitch. Everybody loves me!

Shortly after, ‘Eye of the Tiger’ started playing in his head. We gave up and stopped listening after that.