This is too easy

February 13th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

You know what’s great? Those wacky news stories. Man humps donkey. Donkey humps man. A tiger escapes from the zoo and eats your newborn. But, this might be the best one EVER.

The last thing Lorraine Grossman expected to see as she gazed out the kitchen window of her daughter’s home was a 211-pound bear.

“I was making a pot of coffee, and I turned around and there he was in the window looking at me,” said Grossman. “For a minute I didn’t realize there was a glass between him and me.”

The scream Grossman let out was loud enough to startle the wandering bear, who turned tail and scurried some 40 feet up a tree.

More than 50 neighbors gathered to watch and the beast soon grew tired. As the bear gave a lazy yawn, the crowd cooed loudly in appreciation.

“He’s really kind of cute,” Joanne Penaluna said.

The bear remained wedged in a web of branches until it was shot with a tranquilizer dart Sunday. The bear hung on for 10 minutes before dropping neatly into a taut net set up below.

The bear, a male estimated to be 2 or 3 years old, was released at a state wildlife-management area.

“It’s not something you get to see every day,” said Pete Samek, who hoisted his 5-year-old daughter, Lucy Rose, on his shoulders. “Bears falling out of trees.”

Yes, a lady with the last name Grossman got startled by a bear. She then scared it away with her shriek and the bear got caught in a tree. This is sort of like Rex Grossman’s relationship with his receivers. He’s scared, they’re scared, they run into the defense, get trapped in coverage and….interception!

HIIIII-OOOO!

Rush Limbaugh has the answer

February 8th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

Plenty of reason exist as to why the media has gone after Rex Grossman. Interceptions. Fumbles. Low quarterback ratings. His ravishing good looks. But friends, that’s not really what is going on here. Don’t believe me? Listen to Rush Limbaugh.

And before we go to the break here, folks, I’ve got to get something off my chest. You know, the game was the game. And the game was what it was. But I - I can’t handle anymore press criticism of Rex Grossman. They’re writing his name W-R-E-C-K-S. They’re just — worst quarterback ever to play in the Super Bowl. And it’s been like this since the Green Bay game — actually since the Arizona game, a little crescendo of it in the Green Bay game, the last game of the season for the Bears. And it’s just unrelenting! It’s just — they’re focusing on this guy like they don’t focus on anybody! And I tell you, I know what it is. The media, the sports media, has got social concerns that they are first and foremost interested in, and they’re dumping on this guy — Rex Grossman — for one reason, folks, and that’s because he is a white quarterback.

Oh yes! What a breakthrough in logic here! It’s because Rex is CAUCASIAN. And guess what? I know why everyone in the media rags on Limbaugh. Because he is a clown. And a tool. Yes, he’s a clown tool.

(source = the lovely Fanhouse)

You’re ignorant, you’re just ignorant

February 2nd, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Kidding. Not you - sportswriters! (Via MJD at the FanHaus.)

All told, Rex sort of has a point here. The average sportswriter, as far as I know, doesn’t study much game film or prepare at the same level across a season of games the way an NFL quarterback has to, so there’s no doubt Rex sees things on film that looked like negatives to viewers but are, in actuality, positives, based on the specific play situation.

That said … Rex, it doesn’t take a lot of inquiry to realize you’ve been really good at some points this year and really bad at other points. That’s pretty much obvious to anyone with a passing interest in the NFL and/or the ability to understand the most remedial of statistics. Come off it, chap.

I think MJD’s point is the best here: Rex is just sick of it. And if some dude was analyzing every little blog post I made, or every single game wrap I put together, and picking apart the things that were constantly wrong with my writing - basically, if I was being told I was the worst sports blogger ever to, I don’t know, write something about the Super Bowl - well, I’d probably flip out just a little bit too.

Weekend Fun: These playoffs are killing me inside

January 19th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

We ought to apologize for our relative lack of football coverage this week (or coverage of any sort, really), but, see, it’s been hard on us. It’s one of those things that should be fun but that you put off forever because you’re so scared about it - you know, like moving out of your mother’s basement and getting a real job, you burnout. Day by day, it’s gotten more and more difficult to think about the NFL Playoffs. The Bears won, and I was still a Lindsay Lohan-level emotional wreck for two hours afterward. I can’t remember the last time I cried … but I was dangerously close to breaking the streak Sunday. (Don’t worry, I held off. I know, I’m just that tough.)

Anyway, the hour of reckoning is nearly upon us, so I suppose we should spend a little time trying to vitiate these two match ups to the best of anyone’s ability. Considering I thought the Colts were set to get worked last weekend, and persuaded myself that Marty could somehow prevent a playoff meltdown, my credibility is dangerously low. On the bright side, I went two-for-two in the NFC, so that’s … good, right?

Off we go …

Saints at Bears, 3 p.m. EST, Fox

Ho, boy. What am I going to do? A small part of me wants to feel bad about rooting against the Saints, but come on: the hype about a football team resurrecting a city and all of that, while nice and trite and all, isn’t really tangible in any way. I love New Orleans as much as the next guy, but the Lower 9th Ward isn’t going to even marginally improve if they go to Super Bowl. Electricity isn’t going to be reinstalled any more quickly, houses aren’t going to be cleaned out, and relocated refugees aren’t coming back any sooner. Can we agree on all of this? Can I feel OK for rooting for the Bears now? Glad we cleared that up.

As far as the actual football game (remember, that’s all it is), I’m terrified. Half-crippled Sean Alexander waddled for over 100 yards last week against the Bears - what will a healthy McAllister-Bush do to them? And with Drew Brees behind center, there’s no real way to prepare defensively for this team. Ugh.

But the Bears do have an offense of their own and a legitimate deep threat in Bernard Berrian. That’s good, because the Saints corners are some of the slower and thus most vulnerable in the league. The Bears defense isn’t what it used to be, but it might just be good enough to keep the offensive task manageable for the Sex Cannon.

I can talk myself into this further, or we can get down to brass tax: Bears 30, Saints 27

Patriots at Colts, 6:30 p.m EST, CBS

Ugh. We have to go through this again? Unless you’re a Colts or a Patriots fan (and let’s just hope you’re not a part of either wretched fan base), this is a lose-lose situation. Either the Patriots win, and we get to hear more about Belichick and Brady and their relative genius and Gisele Bundchen and GQ and Tedy Brussssssschi and walking out as a team and dancing like Shawne Merriman and - enough already! Really, we get it. The Patriots do more with less. Bully for them, but I’d prefer not to have every prominent sportswriter in the country reinforcing already commonly held tenets.

On the other hand, if Peyton Manning puts the Nokia phone away long enough to actually win this game, those same sportswriters that would have beaten Gisele to Brady’s knob will be all over Manning’s, wrestling like a thousand snakes fighting for one tiny, shriveled rat. (How’s that for a visual image? Beat that, Capote!) If Manning wins, we will be subjected to an unstoppable array of Manning-related fellatio. And I can’t stomach that.

So here’s the solution: The Colts win, but Manning plays horribly again. Peter King might go out on a limb for him, but at least the cascade of praise will be reasonably limited. This route also prevents any Patriots-fan gushing, and should stunt most of the media week nonsense. So even though most Colts fans I know are dicks, here goes nothing: Colts 22, Patriots 13

That hurt me way more than it hurt you.

Oh, so that’s why you sucked

January 4th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

Phew. I was so worried. Here all along, I thought Rex Grossman just didn’t have the talent or fortitude to put it together week after week. Boy was I wrong.

”In this league, especially at this position, you have to bring it every single week, no matter what. And the situation was I felt like I was going to play about a half, and it was the last game, it was New Year’s Eve — there were so many other factors that brought my focus away from what is actually important, and that’s something that I am never going to do again. There is too much I am responsible for to not give it 100 percent during the week and just the full attention. It’s another lesson.”

See everyone, nothing to worry about. He just didn’t try hard because golly, it was NEW YEAR’S FUCKING EVE. How could you ever expect him to give his all on Dec. 31?

If one of the Bear playoff games lands on Martin Luther King Jr. day in middle to late January here, Chicago is soooo screwed.

(Aside: Sorry, I just had to go off a bit there. And I’m not at all worried about the playoffs. The Bears will be just fine? Won’t they? *tear*)

Case of the Mondays: Nursing your alcoholic wounds

January 2nd, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

Welcome to 2007, friends.

Hopefully, your booze-induced hangover has fully departed your system, ensuring you a fresh approach to the new year. If not, then dude, let’s hang out this weekend. Give me a call, OK?

You may or may not have noticed, amid the throng of patrons at the 100-dollar-a-head bar you were at Sunday night, but Rex Grossman reverted back to Mr. Turnover while Brett Favre shined.

I’d give you a myriad of reasons as to why, despite Chicago’s rather quality record, the Bears are probably destined for another playoff disappointment. But frankly, I can’t stomach it at the moment.

Instead, here’s Brett Favre getting rather emotional in his post-game interview with Andrea Kramer. Will he or won’t he retire?!?!! The suspense is kiiiilling me.

Hey you. Yes you. The guy who thought Michigan deserved another shot at Ohio State. I agreed with you for the most part. However, it looks like we were somewhat foolish in our choice of logic, as USC took over in the second half and downed the Wolverines in the Rose Bowl.

Our friend Bob Knight tallied career win No. 880 yesterday. If you happened to catch the post-game festivities, you would have seen a love fest between the General and Dick Vitale. So sexy.

I’ll leave you with Peter Schrager’s bold and not-so-bold 2007 sports predictions. He even got help from some bloggers!

Here’s one of my favorite ones from the lot:

Gilbert Arenas does something really, really weird — prompting bloggers the world over to write about it.

The man knows those of our ilk far too well. Good play, my friend. Good play.

Case of the Mondays : PostmanR’s cornucopia of feelings

December 18th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

The National Football League :

Wrap your head around that Chicago Bear near meltdown. It’s hard to conceive. But hey, look at Mr. Grossman there. He’s all smiles. Career highs abound for him on the day. Defense and special teams let the Bucs get back in that one.

Jeff Garcia deserves some praise.

Collegiate Basketball :

Greg Oden is a freak. His wizardry around the hoop is simply stunning and once at full strength, it will simply be unfair. Like if Michael Jackson did a dance off against some dude with glowsticks. Simply unfair. (Did that make sense?)

Kentucky topples Louisville and I begin to wonder if the Cardinals are going to be a contender at all this year.

National Basketball Association:

George Karl should not have had Marcus Camby and Carmelo Anthony in the game so late. HOWEVA, that really is no excuse for this whole mess.

Observe.

Agent Zero dropped sixty on the Lakers in Los Angeles yesterday. Surely, to the pleasure of this Internet site.

Bulls continue to impress. Ben Wallace had 27 boards on Friday. Saturday, the overtime comeback win was stellar.

Um, so this was a pretty hodgepodge post. I spent hour upon hour re-working/designing the site into the wee hours of the night last night, so bear with me on the brevity. I’ll be back later with an informative post about the new design as well as some other treats. And we all love treats, no?

Archie Manning is here to comfort you

December 13th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

If you’re ever in need of a supportive text message, Archibald Manning will be there for you.

See everyone, he feels for Rex Grossman’s parents. It’s been a tough couple weeks for them, with the constant harassment and criticism their son, the befuddled Chicago Bear quarterback, has received.

“We don’t talk a lot but we have each other’s phone number,” said Manning, who recounted meeting the Grossmans when Rex Grossman was at Florida and played Eli Manning at Mississippi. “Last week I just had empathy for Dan and Maureen Grossman and I called them. …

“I sent [Dan] a text message this morning, because I can assure you it’s the ultimate relief for those two.”

Well, if your heart didn’t just grow a size or two, you have no soul. I’m going to go throw on “The Notebook” followed by season two of “Sex and the City” thanks to this heartwarming story. I’ll have a quart of ice cream with it too, thank you very much.

A plea from a friend, Mr. Grossman

December 11th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

Hi Rex. It’s me, PostmanR. You’ve come under fire the last few weeks. Low QB ratings. Heaving the ball downfield into double and triple coverage. It pains me to see everyone hating on you.

Remember the beginning of the season? You were great. You gave Chicago hope. Finally, a quarterback with skill to work in congruence with the stellar defense. What happened?

I don’t want to see Brian Griese play tonight against the Rams. I hear he’s getting more snaps in practice. I want my sexy Rexy back.

And Rex, let’s tell Ron Turner to start out a bit more conservative tonight. You’ll build up some confidence. Then you can air it out.

Another poor performance and you’ll be marginally better than Kyle Orton last season. That’s a fate I don’t wish upon my worst enemy.

Love and kisses-

PostmanR

Rex Grossman will take your mother, Dorothy Sharper, out for a nice seafood dinner … and never call her again!

November 30th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Oh Rex. You look so innocent out there. That pasty Bloomington baby-face, the one that so casually turns the ball over, seemingly without a care in the world. You are innocence personified, like a happy little child.

But little children shouldn’t use dirty words, Rex. For shame. From the Chicago Tribune:

With as much sincerity as he could muster with a straight face, Rex Grossman apologized Wednesday to Vikings safety Darren Sharper for “X-rated” comments Sharper claimed the Bears quarterback made to him after he had thrown a go-ahead touchdown pass in September….By labeling Grossman the worst trash-talking quarterback he has heard in 10 years in the NFL, Sharper quickly changed the subject around Halas Hall from Grossman’s vulnerability to his vocabulary.

Whoa. The worst trash-talking quarterback Darren Sharper has ever heard? Are quarterbacks traditionally mild-mannered? Is this some sort of tallest midget award? Am I missing something here?

Apparently Sharper has never played Kurt Warner. Because I heard that dude gets straight biblical with his on-field flo:

“Your mother is a very nice woman, Darren, though I wish she came to church more often. We missed her last Sunday! … What’s that? Oh, wow. I mean, wow. That was really - that was really inappropriate. Wow. You’ve gone and hurt my feelings. …

You know what Darren? Forget you, OK!!! Just - forget you!!! Gosh darnit!!!

Oh jeez, I’ve gotten myself all worked up again and used profanity. Darren, I apologize. No, no, I was out of line. Let me take care of this - Brenda, honey, get me some holy water. We’re going to need an emergency consecration here.“