There was a particularly important game of football last night

February 4th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

We’ll get to the real reason to elicit actual emotion about last night’s game — Mercury Morris — in a little bit, but in the meantime, some assorted thoughts:

– The talk at the day job today has been the defensive mastery on both sides of the ball. While that’s partially true, watching last night I didn’t feel like I was watching a defensive test of wills. I felt like I was watching two teams play relatively conservative football. Without sounding too much like Bill Simmons this morning (whose column does the graceful loser bit quite well, actually), where did the aggressive, let’s-see-if-you-can-stop-this Patriots offense go? When did the screen pass become such a regular part of their arsenal? Why all the conservatism? the few downfield plays the Pats did attempt were usually poor throws by Brady, so maybe the Patriots were right to pull the reins in a little bit. Still, I wanted the big-dick Patriots back. They were more fun to hate, and infinitely more fun to watch.

– I know football locker rooms are a haven for repressed homoeroticism, but Tedy Bruschi and Junior Seau took it a bit too far last night. I would find a photo, but I’d rather not relive their celebration of Randy Moss’ go-ahead touchdown. Ew.

– Speaking of Moss, he might be the only Patriots player worthy of pity today. He reformed his act this year, supressed that me-first instinct that I’d grown to love about him, and just as he does all that, a Super Bowl is stolen from him at the last minute by … Eli Manning. It just goes to show you: teamwork and selflessness are vastly overrated.

– Here’s the question I asked myself after the Patriots lost: What will they be like next year? Will they use this as ever-more fuel for their stupid “no one respects us” fire? Or will they come out flat, as mortals again, last night the final throes of their dynasty? They’ll still be every bit as stacked offensively next year, but it’s hard not to think how last night’s loss resembled the last days of the Yankee dynasty, when an aging behemoth lost to a random plucky underdog (and when Luis Gonzalez hit the least-convincing World Series-winning RBI of all time). Time will tell.

Phew. That was kind of a lot of talk about football this early in the morning. I need a beer.

This is not a good sign

February 1st, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

If the Giants are as effective at football as their fans are at shooting a, um, — Is that a flare gun? What the hell is that? — then the Super Bowl should prove to be every bit as exciting as this Youtube video. Maybe less so.

I know. Think about that.

{HT: Scooped}

The Giants are going to win because a camel said so

January 29th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

If I were a Giants fan I’d most likely be grasping for any sign from above, any reason to believe my team is going to upset and dethrone the Patriots in the Super Bowl.  This isn’t to say the Giants have no shot: they certainly do. But this is to say when you’re running up against perhaps the greatest NFL team of all-time, any help you can get goes a long way.

That’s what Giants fans have to be uber-pumped that Princess the camel has them taking out New England. Wait, what?

Her picks are nothing to spit at: Princess, who once belonged to heiress Doris Duke, went 11-6 during the regular season and is 8-out-of-10 in the playoffs this year. Her prowess is equal to that of some of the most famous forecasters.

“I can’t explain it, but her predictions, more often than not, are right on the money,” said John Bergmann, general manager of Popcorn Park Zoo, the southern New Jersey facility for elderly, abused or unwanted animals where Princess has lived since 2004. “I’m hoping she’s right this time because I’m a Giants fan.”

Princess’ prognostication skills flow from her love of graham crackers. Bergmann will choose a game at random during the regular season, place a cracker in each hand, and use a permanent marker to scrawl the name of a competing team on each hand.

Whichever hand Princess nibbles from is her “pick” for that week.

Her regular season mark of 11-6 comes out to a .647 winning percentage. (Since she never quite got the hang of points spreads, Princess picks the games straight-up, just choosing the winner.)

This may be a bit ridiculous … you know, a camel named Princess picking the winner of NFL games at a high rate of success. But, I can’t think of a better example to illustrate how randomness and blind luck really plays an enormous part in sports picks. Just because a team should win doesn’t mean they will. Just because a team should lose doesn’t mean they will. As much as you might try to account for defensive schemes and audibles and punt coverage, stuff can change real quick once the ball is in play.

This is also the reason why, on any given night, some 70-year-old lady in Vegas can pull the handle on a slot machine and become a millionaire on her first trip to the city, while the guy playing the same machine for 30 years is down money.

It all makes no sense.

Jeremy Shockey has a purple hand

August 16th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

I love training camp. Where spring training seems dry and stilted, the NFL’s version of the preseason is full-on intensity. Vince Young punched a teammate. Chad Johnson and Madieu Williams fought twice Tuesday at practice. Not to mention, there’s some good-hearted tomfoolery to boot. What kind of tomfoolery do you ask? How about Jeremy Shockey’s purple hand.

From the NY Post (Via CStB):

After lunch yesterday, Shockey went to sign some autographs and revealed a very purple left hand, stained with dye after he stuck it inside his glove, not knowing that it had been booby-trapped with the unwashable substance that banks use to mark money.

It will take days for Shockey to remove the deep purple stain, and undoubtedly much less time to identify the culprit.

Unsmiling, the temperamental tight end clearly did not appreciate the gag and vowed revenge.

“Dead man walking,” he warned.

You know, this could always be a cover up. Are we sure Shockey’s hand isn’t this way because he’s got cash in it at all hours, as he compliments and tips the ladies at the strip club? Nah, probably not. This is just some training camp hi-jinks.

But what I really want to know is: How in the heck did he not realize someone was doing this to him? Did a teammate drug him till he passed out and therefore he couldn’t feel his hand being dipped into dye? These are questions we must find answers to.

You know what, I’m on the case. I’ve just grabbed my trench coat and magnifying glass — see you in Albany. BUM. BUM. BUM.

Case of the Mondays: Bears, Bears, Bears

November 13th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Bears…phew

How about the Cardiac Bears? The Chi-town Stroke-Inducers? The team that either dominates or barely wins after a sustained period of seeming collapse?

None too catchy, I suppose.

We need to start brainstorming a name. Granted, last night’s 38-20 win wasn’t necessarily heart attack-worthy, but it did cause yours truly - and surely, a legion of Bears fans - to wonder why every year so much potential was squandered with relative mediocrity.

But, alas, the Bears pulled out a win, thanks to Devin Hester’s trickery and a resurgent second half offense. And do the Bears have a name for the 108 yard kickoff return play? Because, like us for them, they need a name for it.

NBA:

The Rockets - thanks to Yao’s surge (finally) - took down the Heat. Essential carbon copies of each other, perhaps the Rockets are the new blood. The Heat certainly look sluggish … old even.

Awkward. That’s the best way to describe Vince Carter’s overtime-forcing three that just sort of, um, fell in to the hoop last night. His quote, on whether the old ball would have gone in:

“If it would’ve hit like that? Heck no. No way.”

Well, that settles that. Thanks David Stern!

College Football

Check out that dateline. Stewart was in town this week! Anyway, he witnessed a Michigan beatdown that effectively set up Saturday’s OSU-UMICH Footballgasm. Until then, we can talk about the BCS, a strange beast if ever there was one.

Say peace to: Texas, California, Auburn, and any chance Tennessee had, which wasn’t much of a chance at all. Will it be Rutgers, or Arkansas, or someone else taking that Big Ten title game winner? Only time will tell.