This would have been so much better

February 7th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Comrade in FanHouse Larry Brown has the alternate Reebok “Perfectville” commercial today, and I’ve got to say: This was way more enjoyable than the actual commercial. Not as enjoyable as if it had ended with Mercury Morris on his knees, wailing in a melded pool of tears and urine, cursing the gods for his lost immortality, swearing off narcissism forever, just before a lightning bolt sets that suburban husk of a home on fire as an angry, vengeful God UNLEASHES DESTRUCTION AND FURY FOR ALL THE WORLD TO –

Whoa. Sorry about that. Just … this commercial will do fine, I suppose.

There was a particularly important game of football last night

February 4th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

We’ll get to the real reason to elicit actual emotion about last night’s game — Mercury Morris — in a little bit, but in the meantime, some assorted thoughts:

– The talk at the day job today has been the defensive mastery on both sides of the ball. While that’s partially true, watching last night I didn’t feel like I was watching a defensive test of wills. I felt like I was watching two teams play relatively conservative football. Without sounding too much like Bill Simmons this morning (whose column does the graceful loser bit quite well, actually), where did the aggressive, let’s-see-if-you-can-stop-this Patriots offense go? When did the screen pass become such a regular part of their arsenal? Why all the conservatism? the few downfield plays the Pats did attempt were usually poor throws by Brady, so maybe the Patriots were right to pull the reins in a little bit. Still, I wanted the big-dick Patriots back. They were more fun to hate, and infinitely more fun to watch.

– I know football locker rooms are a haven for repressed homoeroticism, but Tedy Bruschi and Junior Seau took it a bit too far last night. I would find a photo, but I’d rather not relive their celebration of Randy Moss’ go-ahead touchdown. Ew.

– Speaking of Moss, he might be the only Patriots player worthy of pity today. He reformed his act this year, supressed that me-first instinct that I’d grown to love about him, and just as he does all that, a Super Bowl is stolen from him at the last minute by … Eli Manning. It just goes to show you: teamwork and selflessness are vastly overrated.

– Here’s the question I asked myself after the Patriots lost: What will they be like next year? Will they use this as ever-more fuel for their stupid “no one respects us” fire? Or will they come out flat, as mortals again, last night the final throes of their dynasty? They’ll still be every bit as stacked offensively next year, but it’s hard not to think how last night’s loss resembled the last days of the Yankee dynasty, when an aging behemoth lost to a random plucky underdog (and when Luis Gonzalez hit the least-convincing World Series-winning RBI of all time). Time will tell.

Phew. That was kind of a lot of talk about football this early in the morning. I need a beer.

The Giants are going to win because a camel said so

January 29th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

If I were a Giants fan I’d most likely be grasping for any sign from above, any reason to believe my team is going to upset and dethrone the Patriots in the Super Bowl.  This isn’t to say the Giants have no shot: they certainly do. But this is to say when you’re running up against perhaps the greatest NFL team of all-time, any help you can get goes a long way.

That’s what Giants fans have to be uber-pumped that Princess the camel has them taking out New England. Wait, what?

Her picks are nothing to spit at: Princess, who once belonged to heiress Doris Duke, went 11-6 during the regular season and is 8-out-of-10 in the playoffs this year. Her prowess is equal to that of some of the most famous forecasters.

“I can’t explain it, but her predictions, more often than not, are right on the money,” said John Bergmann, general manager of Popcorn Park Zoo, the southern New Jersey facility for elderly, abused or unwanted animals where Princess has lived since 2004. “I’m hoping she’s right this time because I’m a Giants fan.”

Princess’ prognostication skills flow from her love of graham crackers. Bergmann will choose a game at random during the regular season, place a cracker in each hand, and use a permanent marker to scrawl the name of a competing team on each hand.

Whichever hand Princess nibbles from is her “pick” for that week.

Her regular season mark of 11-6 comes out to a .647 winning percentage. (Since she never quite got the hang of points spreads, Princess picks the games straight-up, just choosing the winner.)

This may be a bit ridiculous … you know, a camel named Princess picking the winner of NFL games at a high rate of success. But, I can’t think of a better example to illustrate how randomness and blind luck really plays an enormous part in sports picks. Just because a team should win doesn’t mean they will. Just because a team should lose doesn’t mean they will. As much as you might try to account for defensive schemes and audibles and punt coverage, stuff can change real quick once the ball is in play.

This is also the reason why, on any given night, some 70-year-old lady in Vegas can pull the handle on a slot machine and become a millionaire on her first trip to the city, while the guy playing the same machine for 30 years is down money.

It all makes no sense.

Weekend Fun: These playoffs are killing me inside

January 19th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

We ought to apologize for our relative lack of football coverage this week (or coverage of any sort, really), but, see, it’s been hard on us. It’s one of those things that should be fun but that you put off forever because you’re so scared about it - you know, like moving out of your mother’s basement and getting a real job, you burnout. Day by day, it’s gotten more and more difficult to think about the NFL Playoffs. The Bears won, and I was still a Lindsay Lohan-level emotional wreck for two hours afterward. I can’t remember the last time I cried … but I was dangerously close to breaking the streak Sunday. (Don’t worry, I held off. I know, I’m just that tough.)

Anyway, the hour of reckoning is nearly upon us, so I suppose we should spend a little time trying to vitiate these two match ups to the best of anyone’s ability. Considering I thought the Colts were set to get worked last weekend, and persuaded myself that Marty could somehow prevent a playoff meltdown, my credibility is dangerously low. On the bright side, I went two-for-two in the NFC, so that’s … good, right?

Off we go …

Saints at Bears, 3 p.m. EST, Fox

Ho, boy. What am I going to do? A small part of me wants to feel bad about rooting against the Saints, but come on: the hype about a football team resurrecting a city and all of that, while nice and trite and all, isn’t really tangible in any way. I love New Orleans as much as the next guy, but the Lower 9th Ward isn’t going to even marginally improve if they go to Super Bowl. Electricity isn’t going to be reinstalled any more quickly, houses aren’t going to be cleaned out, and relocated refugees aren’t coming back any sooner. Can we agree on all of this? Can I feel OK for rooting for the Bears now? Glad we cleared that up.

As far as the actual football game (remember, that’s all it is), I’m terrified. Half-crippled Sean Alexander waddled for over 100 yards last week against the Bears - what will a healthy McAllister-Bush do to them? And with Drew Brees behind center, there’s no real way to prepare defensively for this team. Ugh.

But the Bears do have an offense of their own and a legitimate deep threat in Bernard Berrian. That’s good, because the Saints corners are some of the slower and thus most vulnerable in the league. The Bears defense isn’t what it used to be, but it might just be good enough to keep the offensive task manageable for the Sex Cannon.

I can talk myself into this further, or we can get down to brass tax: Bears 30, Saints 27

Patriots at Colts, 6:30 p.m EST, CBS

Ugh. We have to go through this again? Unless you’re a Colts or a Patriots fan (and let’s just hope you’re not a part of either wretched fan base), this is a lose-lose situation. Either the Patriots win, and we get to hear more about Belichick and Brady and their relative genius and Gisele Bundchen and GQ and Tedy Brussssssschi and walking out as a team and dancing like Shawne Merriman and - enough already! Really, we get it. The Patriots do more with less. Bully for them, but I’d prefer not to have every prominent sportswriter in the country reinforcing already commonly held tenets.

On the other hand, if Peyton Manning puts the Nokia phone away long enough to actually win this game, those same sportswriters that would have beaten Gisele to Brady’s knob will be all over Manning’s, wrestling like a thousand snakes fighting for one tiny, shriveled rat. (How’s that for a visual image? Beat that, Capote!) If Manning wins, we will be subjected to an unstoppable array of Manning-related fellatio. And I can’t stomach that.

So here’s the solution: The Colts win, but Manning plays horribly again. Peter King might go out on a limb for him, but at least the cascade of praise will be reasonably limited. This route also prevents any Patriots-fan gushing, and should stunt most of the media week nonsense. So even though most Colts fans I know are dicks, here goes nothing: Colts 22, Patriots 13

That hurt me way more than it hurt you.

This is already too much fun

January 15th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

If there’s one thing I’ve particularly liked about the direction Gannett has taken (besides the fact that unlike some conglomerates, they seem to get this whole ‘Internet thing’) is how entertaining the comment section under the Indianapolis Star’s articles and columns can become.

It’s Monday (MLK day, in fact) and already we have Colts and Pats fans going at each other like mentally challenged dogs starved of Pedigree and water.

Say what you want about how played out this Colts-Pats storyline is, but I’m going to try and make the best of it this week. (Hint: Just don’t watch ESPN. Stay in front of your computer reading blogs like this or this if you want some Manning-Brady Bowl coverage. It will be much more worthwhile and entertaining, while far less mind numbing than getting Manning’s or Brady’s shit-eating grins shoved down your face on SportsCenter every night. Not that I don’t think they’re both cute, because they are. Let’s get that straight.)

Just come to the Internet, where commenters such as Get er done talk some serious smack.

PatPa triot wrote:

Don’ t you guys ever get sick of us?
Bwa ha ha ha

The only sickness we’ll be getting from you is the cold virus you’ll be bringing with you from MASS…but there is a product available to wipe out any New England viruses… it’s called Lysol, and the Colts Offense and Defense will be the one’s doing the applying!
Go Colts! Git er done!

PatPa triot just got PWNED.

Johnny D enlightens us as well.

OK COLTS!
It’s time for a real-for-sure
PEY-Back!
This is your chance to grab that elusive “brass-ring”, grab it
with gusto!!
Your fans, our city, and many COLT
enthusiasts across the country are solidly behind you!
Good Luck and God speed. See you in Miami!

That’s just simply poetry in motion.

Anyways, as I said last Monday, don’t sleep on the Colts. And as much as don’t want to say this, I’ll be ro ro rooting (phew, that was hard) for them because if the Bears win next weekend as well, it will be a Bears-Colts Super Bowl. And the town we currently reside in will be near explosion.

And that, my friends, would simply be awesome.

Weekend Fun: Divisional playoffs style

January 12th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Is there a better sports month than January? Think about it: the NBA is in full swing (not to mention approaching the always-fun All Star Game), the college basketball season is entering its bonafide conference schedule, college football wraps up with a bang, and the NFL - well, you know all about the NFL.

That’s where we are this weekend: still digesting the college football season, steadying ourselves under the increasing weight of college basketball, keeping one eye on the NBA schedule, and staying squarely focused on the NFL playoffs, a mammoth entity too great for even the most apathetic NFL fan to ignore. Plus, I mean, the Bears are playing.

So let’s go through the Divisional match ups, completely ignoring the gambling lines - I’m not touching those with a ten foot pole - and see what we’ve got here.

Colts at Ravens, Sat. 4:30 p.m. EST

I confess: I thought the Colts were going to lay about 700 yards rushing to Larry Johnson last week, so perhaps I shouldn’t doubt them so vociferously again this week. But … bah, fuck it: they’re going to get crushed. The Ravens D is second in the NFL in rush defense, first in points allowed, sixth in pass yards allowed, and first in total yards allowed. Sure, Manning might be able to hit on some short routes, but Joseph Addai ain’t seen nothing like this.

Ravens 27, Indianapolis 20.

Eagles at Saints, Sat. 8 p.m. EST

Sometimes, in these playoff games, it takes some sort of extenuating circumstance to pick a rooting interest. A bet, perhaps, or maybe some ill will toward your ex-girlfriend’s new Philadelphia boyfriend. (I made that up. Promise.) But this game is not difficult in the least: New Orleans, a team that could uplift a still-struggling city with the flick of a few Drew Brees spirals, or a team led by … Jeff Garcia. Easy decision.

Saints 34, Eagles 17

Seahawks at BEARS, Sun. 1 p.m. EST

On the set of Superfans: Sure, Da Seahawks got an OK offense, der, Bob, but you know what? I think Rexy’s gonna get it done. Grossman’s line: 9 touchdowns, 0 INTs, 847 yards. (What? It could happen! Me, I’ll be watching the game with a Tank Johnson-like ski cap over my face. I can’t take this stuff.)

In all seriousness, I don’t know what to make of this game. The weather is supposed be nasty, but that doesn’t matter; Seattle isn’t exactly Tampa Bay. No, if the Bears have an advantage, it’s - stay with me here - Cedric Benson. He hits the hole, runs hard, needs no cutbacks and doesn’t rely on his footing to get him places. If it’s slippery, Lovie, GIVE THIS MAN THE BALL. Failing that, line up Rex at wide receiver. Might as well.

Don’t think I’m not keeping the faith, though. Who do you think I am?

Da BEARS 123, Seahawks - 22

New England at San Diego, Sun. 4:30 p.m. EST

Now this is a divisional playoff game. Belichick’s wily coaching style (the Patriots stood pat all year, just barely tipping their hand against the Titans in Week 17; what a coach!) vs. Martyball, a style that has apparently all but left San Diego. Problem is, what if the Chargers are nursing a small lead early? If you were a Charger fan, would you feel safe with that lead, knowing your coach might have a relapse and decide to start handing the ball off as many times as is humanly possible? Phillip Rivers will be taking knees on 1st and 10 at the 25, while Tom Brady sits on the sideline, grinning slyly, waiting for that last fourth quarter drive. Scarrrry.

That said, San Diego is still the best team in the league, and the Patriots laid a playoff stinker last year, so maybe Belichick isn’t so infallible. And it’s in San Diego … you know what? I just talked myself into this. Let’s go Chargers.

Chargers 24, Patriots 21