Tony Stewart: Don’t fear the reefer

August 18th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Dude, Tony Stewart. Dude. What’s the deal, man? I’m over here, in my cubicle listening to my dub-step, trying to mellow out. Yeah man. Maybe play a little Rock Band later. Maybe watch some Aqua Teen. Not sure, you know? Just trying to live my life a day a time, and it’s hard, you know, because life is difficult dude and that’s why you have to take time for yourself and just think, man, like, look at the Olympics right now. Think about that. That shit is crazy, man. China, man. Crazy.

Anyway, Tony, dude, what’s up man? I thought we were buddies, and now you’re totally over here harshing me man. Harshing my mellow with your casual and comical ignorance of proper drug lingo:

Stewart, who revels in jousting with the media, jumped in: “What kind of crack are you on? You must be smoking pot grass.”

“Pot grass.” Bwahaha. Nobody smokes “pot grass,” Tony. They smoke bud weed, and occasionally they top themselves off with a little beer alcohol. Duh.

(HT: TSB, which totally just geeked me out, dude.)

Cops + weed brownies + playoff hockey = mass hysteria

May 11th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

There’s a new math equation for ya, kiddies. And thank god and Eric McErlain at the FanHouse this story came along, else I would have been forced to write about the Bulls’ monumental collapse last night, and I still need like three or four more hours to process it. Anyway, how did we come up with such a simple, yet mind-bendingly awkward math theorem?

Here’s how: a cop and his wife make some weed brownies to chill out after what was, presumably, a long day of law enforcement. No harm there, of course; what one does with baking soda and resin in one’s own home is one’s own business. However, you’ve really got to be careful with those things, because I’ve heard that one brownie will do the trick, and the trick will zonk you out for about six hours. Of course, it sounds like Mr. Detroit Cop and Ms. Detroit Cop were not so careful. Instead, in their haunted states, they thought they were “overdosing” — which I’m not even sure you can do on marijuana — and called 911:

The department’s investigation began with a bizarre 911 call from Sanchez’s home in Dearborn Heights. On the night of April 21, 2006, a panicky Sanchez told an emergency dispatcher he thought he and his wife were overdosing on marijuana.

“I think we’re dying,” he said in the 5-minute tape, obtained under the Michigan Freedom of Information Act.

“We made brownies and I think we’re dead, I really do,” Sanchez continued.

He told the dispatcher he had never made marijuana brownies before, but had previously used marijuana.

Then, he asked the score of the Red Wings game on television that night, explaining, “I just want to make sure this isn’t some type of, like, hallucination that I’m having.”

A quick listen to the 911 call reveals the reason Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez were having their problems: they ate all the brownies! That’s, um, not good man. Probably what sparred this recorded exchange:

Sanchez: “Please come, I think we’re dying.”
Dispatch: “Do you guys have a fever?”
Sanchez: “No, I think we are dying though. I’m pretty sure we’re dead.”

Like I said: one brownie would have done the trick. The whole pan? That’d probably make you feel as though you’ve died. Also, as McErlain points out at the FanHouse, the Red Wings won 5-1 earlier in the day, which means Mr. Sanchez couldn’t figure out which game he was watching on TV at that point. Consider fears of hallucination confirmed.

For his transgressions, the dude has to resign from his job, but he isn’t facing any charges. That seems fair. And thanks to the Sanchez couple’s shining example, kids everywhere learned a valuable lesson: gluttony will get you nowhere, especially when you’ve cooked lots of drugs into your delicious brownies. And knowing is half the battle …

Canada’s got five on it

March 5th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Just kidding. I’m sure they probably don’t love the stickyickyicky any more than any other country, especially the U.S. It’s just that, well, their drug testing officials are far more pragmatic than any you’ll hear south of the northern border.

Marijuana should be removed from the list of drugs banned in sport, one of Canada’s top drug testing officials said, because it is taking time and resources away from catching the real cheaters in sport.

Sports and government officials in Great Britain and the Netherlands recently called for changes in drug testing procedures, saying athletes who occasionally smoke marijuana and get caught shouldn’t face severe penalties.

For athletes to be punished, they have to show a level of marijuana in their systems that indicates regular use, or some attempt to get an edge, said Joseph de Pencier of the Canadian Centre for Ethics in Sports, the group that administers drug testing to athletes in Canada.

De Pencier acknowledged that sports leaders who make the rules internationally think differently about cannabis.

“I don’t think it’s a fight that Canada and some other countries are going to win about getting cannabis off the list altogether,” he said. “I think we’re just whistling in the wind on that one.”

Track and field is one sport that has had problems with some athletes secretly taking steroids and other drugs to get an edge. Joanne Mortimer, CEO of Athletics Canada for the sport, agreed testing for marijuana shouldn’t be a priority.

Stop the presses - this is a drug testing agency actually making sense. This doesn’t happen every day.

But the dude’s absolutely right: compared to steroids and human growth hormone, it’s really hard to think of any real advantage athletes could gain from smoking weed on the daily. It ruins your hand-eye coordination, makes you considerably dumber, and skewers your diet less toward salads and more toward Funyuns and frozen pizza. No reason to spend time and money busting fans of the buddha when you could be preventing Justin Gatlin from meeting Jose Canseco. That, my friends, is a far more noble cause.

(Via Fark. What isn’t?)