Ozzie Guillen knows Lou Piniella can eat him under the table

June 18th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

What has it been … a solid week since Ozzie Guillen has given us a quote to blog about? I mean geez: I can’t just go out and create this stuff, Mr. Guillen. You need to be swearing and joking and talking like a madman on a daily basis so I have something to blog about. Heaven forbid I actually have to dig deep and search for something of worth.

Wait, what’s that you say?

”Lou Piniella does two things better than me,” Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said before Tuesday night’s game against Pittsburgh. ”Managing and eating.”

[ … ]

”It took them three weeks to find a [body] double for Piniella,” Guillen said. ”For mine, you just go to a model agency.”

This reminds me of a few summers ago, when Subway ran a promotion around the Cubs-Sox series in which Piniella and Guillen had their own sandwiches you could get. I think they should have an eat-off with these before the first inning Friday.

I give Guillen a fighter’s chance. I think the bread will start to weigh Piniella down after some time.

UPDATE: Ziggy– a smart, handsome commenter with a better memory than me — points out the Subway deal was actually with Dusty Baker and Ozzie. Which, in turn, works the same if not better. (They are both portly.) Yeah for my errors working out in the end.

Your MLB managers in creepy cartoon form

April 1st, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

The game of baseball lends itself to statistical analysis, perhaps more so than any of the American majors. (Actually, it definitely lends itself to stats more than any of the other big three.) If you read Fire Joe Morgan you know this. If you read old, curmudgeon columnists, you would know that there are crazy computer out there doing Lord knows what, but that they can’t measure heart, man.

And if you listen to Steven C. Wang, a mathematician at Swarthmore College, all MLB managers tendencies can be truncated down into weird faces. (Pictured: right.)

The mathematician, Steve C. Wang, applied a method called Chernoff faces, in which data points in many dimensions are presented in a form that people react to more intuitively: the human face.

While reams of categorical data can be imposing and hard to parse, translating the differences among them into facial characteristics can communicate distinctions with striking clarity. By turning rates of bunting, stealing and pinch-hitting into hair sizes, nose shapes and smile widths, Dr. Wang used a kind of statistical Mr. Potato Head to portray the spectrum of managerial characteristics in a way that intrigued even the skippers themselves.

While this is undeniably a cool, as well as more visually appealing way to chart out this data, I’m worried about Lou Piniella’s state of mind here. There are frowns and then there are frowns. But hey, at least Willie Randolph is smiling.

After the way the Mets season ended last year, that’s good to see.

Case of the Mondays: LeBron saved the playoffs

June 4th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

OK, so Saturday’s effort will never be the one people remember. That will always be Thursday’s legendary performance, the numbers (29 of the last 30! The last 25!) ringing out in playoff tapes and marketing visions for years to come. But Saturday cemented the best thing LeBron has done for us so far in his career: salvaging these lackluster 2007 Playoffs.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I dislike the Spurs, or lack an appreciation for their methodical style of play. It’s just that the NBA as a whole needs something different. It needed the Suns to run and pass their way to an NBA Championship; it needed something to follow up on the Warriors’ dismantling of the Mavericks; it needed an Eastern team with any sort of redeemable aesthetic qualities, our Bulls notwithstanding.

The Cavaliers are largely boring and unimaginative, but LeBron changes all of that. On Thursday, he changed the way we watch the playoffs by turning potential into action. His brilliance is no longer a threat; it is a very real possibility, one that must be bargained for every time he is on television.

The Spurs will likely still win the title, and that’s fine. They deserve it. But LeBron has made the Finals far more worthy of our attention than the Pistons could have. That’s his greatest accomplishment yet.

(Well, besides Thursday’s game. That’s probably greater.)

MLB: I don’t get what it is. Something about the Cubs’ uniforms — or maybe the chemicals used to curate the Wrigley ivy — causes mass hysteria and uncontrollable anger … or at least insanity.

One example among many was Dusty Baker’s retarded claim last year that “walks clog up the bases.” (I really still can’t get over that, by the way. I mean, are you freaking kidding me?) The latest installment came this week, when the Cubs proceeded to brawl in the dugout, lose their sixth game in a row and ninth out of their last ten, and then have their manager get suspended for getting too frisky with the umpires. What’s next? I’m not even going to offer up a sarcastic example here. I’m genuinely curious. What the hell could go wrong next?

Knocked Up: Not to ruin anything for those of you who waited out the inevitable first-weekend madness, but this movie is incredible. It’s no less funny than the 40 Year Old Virgin — perhaps the best comedy of the past five years — but with a bit more heart, just a little bit, and a realistic picture of what it’s like to live in a relationship in postmodern America. Oh, and readers here, presuming you’re sports fans, will love the fantasy baseball bit. That’s all I’ll say for now.

Sure thing, Lou - anything else?

October 17th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

As I celebrate - entirely half-heartedly - Lou Piniella’s introductory press conference this afternoon, I shudder to think about the demands Piniella will make if turns the Cubs into anything resembling a winner.

Why? Because LouLou just got to Chicago, and he’s already making crazy requests. That’s right. According to Gene Woj at ESPN.com - who should be commended for breaking this sort of story from the typically withdrawn position of columnist - the Cubs’ raising of their payroll budget from around $100 to $115 million wasn’t quite enough to keep Lou happy. He wants a fresh serving of A-Rod, too.

I can embrace the spirit. In fact, if PostmanR wants me to keep writing this site, he’s going to need to provide each of the following:

• A $10 million autobiographical book deal
• A rent-free room at the Playboy Mansion
• A lifetime supply of MandM’s-flavored Kudos (the ones with chocolate covering)
• This TV, and an XBOX 360, with every game yet released
• Jay Mariotti to personally apologize to everyone on Earth for being born

These are my demands. They are non-negotiable.

But seriously, who does Piniella expect the Cubs to deal? Ramirez … and who? Zambrano? Not going to happen. Prospects? Have at it, Cashman. Not a whole lot going on there.

The Goat Riders and Bleed Cubbie Blue will probably do a lot more on this - and like GRoTA, I’d LOVE for this to happen, but I don’t see it. I guess you never know.

PostmanR!! Kudos!! NOW!!!! (What is he doing back there? I never know what he’s doing…)