Kenny Smith < Kobe Bryant

April 24th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

There have been a few parodies of Kobe Bryant’s infamous (and incredibly fake) Aston Martin jump, which spread virally last week. The ad was cool enough, I suppose, though I fear too much viral Nike marketing is making me cynical about advertising in general.

Anyway, leave it to the TNT crew to deliver the most raucous parody of the ad yet. And people wonder why this is the best sports show on television.

{HT: SportsbyBrooks}

Bulls are officially dunzo

April 9th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

Ah, what to make of the ‘07-’08 Chicago Bulls. Was it their coach effectively resigning, saying he couldn’t control the troops anymore? Pete Myers being the interim coach for two seconds, then handing over the reigns to Jim Boylan? John Paxson not pulling the trigger on the Kobe Bryant trade? Larry Hughes and Drew Gooden of all people coming over from the Cavs? Maybe it was their listless play the whole season after they were seemingly the grittiest, guttiest team in the league?

Whatever you saw as the demise of a team that seemed so promising a year ago — sweeping the Heat in the first round of the playoffs and playing the Pistons to the wire in the second — they are now officially mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Thank God.

“We lost our identity to what got us here,” (Hinrich) said. “So whatever happens this off-season, we have to find a way to get back our edge. We need to become a better defensive team. The better teams in the league, those that compete for a championship, almost always are the best defensive teams.”

Kirk raises a good point here. Because remember friends, identity theft is not a joke! Millions of families suffer every year!

Sigh.

Kobe Bryant: Happy as a clam

February 6th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

While some folks have completely ripped the Shaq to Phoenix deal — let’s watch it in action first, friends — Kobe Bryant seems quite peachy about Pau Gasol and his scraggly beard landing in L.A.

Hey, I only scored six points? Hey, my hand is all jacked up? I don’t care, lady … THERE IS A GOD.

Sidenote: Ken Tremendous revealed! He writes for “The Office” and played Dwight’s cousin Mose in that episode where Jim and Pam spend the night at the Schrute beat farm. This rocks my socks off in more ways than one.

{Vid via FanHouse.}

Kobe Bryant, Luol Deng, and pessimism

November 1st, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

There’s been a cascade of Kobe news over the past 24 hours, none of it more interesting, at least to me, than Chris Sheridan’s story today that Kobe would veto any trade that includes Luol Deng:

Deng is very much in play in the conversations between Chicago and Los Angeles, ESPN.com has learned.

And it’s mainly because of Bryant’s wishes that Deng is still wearing a Chicago uniform.

A source with knowledge of the trade talks said Deng has been included in proposals swapped between the teams, but Bryant has continually threatened to veto almost any deal in which Deng would be included. Bryant wants to be sure that the team he joins has enough talent remaining to compete for the NBA title.

The source said talks between the teams had stagnated, though by no means were they dead. And while the difficulties involved in the deal — making the salaries match, and trying to trade players onto 15-man rosters now that the preseason roster flexibility has elapsed — continued to be formidable, the Bulls remained determined to pursue every avenue toward acquiring Bryant from the Lakers.

On first read, that looks like good news for Bulls fans, as it increases the odds that the Bulls would end up with both Kobe and Luol Deng. After the initial euphoria dies out, though, pessimism takes over.

The Lakers don’t need to trade Kobe. They have less costly options: Not only could they try to work out the old Jermaine O’Neal chestnut, they can do what they’ve done each time Kobe’s name has come up in trade talks: They can do nothing. Kobe might be unhappy, but he certainly won’t stop competing. He’s Kobe Bryant, hard-wired killer-instinct Model T3000. He might take a few more nights off than normal, but can you picture him totally shutting it down? On the management side, the Lakers can roll with a half-angry Bryant and still probably do better financially and publicly than they would with a full-on rebuild. Kobe Bryant might not want to go to a depleted team, but the Lakers don’t need to trade for anything less. Why would they?

So as much as this Bulls fan embraces each Kobe rumor that lands on my retinas, this newest revelation — even if it confirms that talks are active — nearly spells doom for a trade to Chicago. Optimism is the default emotion in things like these, but if Kobe’s no-Deng standard continues, pessimism makes more sense.

Kobe Bryant should be the White House press secretary

May 30th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

He is good at this stuff. To be honest, I’ve never been a huge fan — the obvious way he contorted his entire game to resemble Jordan’s has always sort of bugged me, the way the moderately popular kid in high school who tries way too hard to be everybody’s friend bothered me. It’s just, you know, be yourself man.

But recently, I am finding myself in greater and greater awe of Kobe, and not just for his basketball skills, which constitute one of the most highly refined individual skill sets in the world. No, today, I find myself totally engrossed by how well Bryant has manipulated the media (I guess we can include ourselves now) into discussing him on his terms.

First things first: it’s sort of brilliant that he’s doing it now, rather than wait until the NBA season is over. People pay attention to the NBA during the playoffs. That simple. But beyond that, to recognize that as the Spurs somewhat boringly march on to another title, casual fans and the media would be captivated by a squabble in L.A. is sort of genius. Second, Bryant has controlled the way this story is being told in almost every regard. He’s talking to reporters proactively (seriously, who does that?), he’s going on radio shows, he’s making posts on his own blog, he’s keeping the story moving forward, all of it. I have followed the story intently, and I have yet to hear a strong rebuke, with evidence that his organization isn’t lying to him, from any media member or Lakers press representative. Kobe is controlling this thing like he controls so many games: with cunning, with power, and with a refined sense of performance far above his competitors.

That said, no way he gets traded. But it was worth a shot, right?

Case of the Mondays: Arriving, finally, at four

March 26th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Continuing its direct departure from last year’s tournament, the Final Four this year is everyone’s guess: two No. 1 seeds and the two No. 2’s most people saw as potential Final Four teams. Whodathunkit?

Fortunately, the lack of surprise in the outcomes hasn’t held back the level of play, which (and this is a completely subjective appraisal, I know) has been much better than last year. Last year’s UConn-George Mason heartwarmer aside, this year’s Elite Eight was far better, including yesterday’s Georgetown-UNC game, a battle right up until Ty Lawson decided to stop penetrating and the Tar Heels decided to stop crashing the offensive glass.

Florida took care of business rather easily, but Oregon showed they belonged at that level, which is a victory in and of itself. No moral victories, sure, but considering this Florida team they ran into, they can be happy with that showing. (On that note, our Hoosiers’ loss to UCLA is starting to look all the more relevant. If UCLA takes this thing home, who’ll remember their near loss? I will, that’s who.)

So, it’s Florida, UCLA, Georgetown and OSU. And as much as I’d like to revise my picks and take Georgetown to win the whole thing, I’ll stick with OSU. But if there’s anyone that can negate the influence of Greg Oden, it’s Roy Hibbert. We’ll see.

(Oh, and by the way, let’s not forget Georgetown shouldn’t even be here. In case you still agree with Billy Packer [commenter law, I’m looking at you], here’s the link.)

NBA: Kobe got close to his fifth in a row, but didn’t quite get there, scoring 43 in a 115-113 win over the Warriors. Hyperbole aside, if Kobe can translate this points = wins formula into one or maybe even two playoff series victories this postseason, I will be ready to throw him into the top ten scorers of all time. I’d say that’s fair, huh?

In other NBA news, Denver pulled away from Cleveland late (a thoroughly entertaining game, by the way), and our boy Ben Gordon took it home at the last minute over the Pacers.

Golf: Tiger took home yet another tournament yesterday, but made it interesting at the end. If you didn’t see it, Tiger laid up twice - even hitting the shortest drive of the tournament on 18 by about 30 yards - before hitting a brilliant putt from the same spot that been destroying people all day. It won’t make the all-time Tiger Woods highlight reel, but it was a small bit of genius that showcases just how good the dude is day in, day out.

Case of the Mondays: Michael is the Russian judge

February 19th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Never has such a fantastic example of athleticism received so little due. Usually, it’s the other way around; athletes are oftentimes collectively praised as “bigger, stronger and faster” than their predecessors even when the charge shouldn’t stick. Usually the modern athlete, through the power of hyperbole, gets the benefit of the doubt - and it’s usually warranted.

Dwight Howard’s brilliant sticker-dunk, unfortunately, received none of that treatment.

The best dunk in a somewhat lethargic dunk contest went unrecognized, as Recluse at FreeDarko says: “by some of the sport’s foremost disciples of the leaping arts.” Without the benefit of a replay or at least a camera, that panel didn’t get the chance to see Dwight’s smiling face 12 feet, six inches high, and the big fella got screwed.

Props to Gerald Green for creativity. The Dee Brown throwback dunk had like eight different premeditated elements going for it. Impressive, sure, but no way anyone cares about that dunk in a year. It’ll be all sticker-dunk, all the time.

All Star Roundup:

– The West won a relatively slow-paced All Star game, 153-132, and Kobe Bryant was the MVP. Yes, I just called a game in which 285 combined points were scored “slow-paced.” It’s true - don’t confuse a lack of defense with pace or energy. Only Amare and Kobe, and sometimes LeBron, seemed to care all that much. Still entertaining, though, that’s for sure.

– Jason Kapono. Yawn.

– Dwayne Wade. Yawnnnn.

– Charles Barkley! I love Charles a lot - he’s easily my favorite analyst/talking head/degenerate gambler on TV - and he and Kenny Smith absolutely owned the entire All Star Weekend. Barkley’s race with Dick Bavetta was great, but Barkley’s line afterward - “We raised a ton of money for charity … (looks at $50,000 check) … we raised two blackjack hands for charity!” - was completely brilliant.

Oh, and some sort of race happened yesterday. Not sure what that’s about.

Case of the Mondays: Dwight Howard ends games with one handed dunks. He can eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast to the chest. To Dwight Howard!

February 12th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

So football’s gone. Football? What’s football? As if we needed another reason to fully cast our glare on basketball, both professional and collegiate, Dwight Howard comes along and does something utterly … well, ridiculous doesn’t even begin to describe it.

You’ve likely seen the highlight a couple times by now (though my roommates hadn’t as of early Sunday); here’s the video anyway.

Ugh. Nasty. Play of the year, not just in the NBA, but across all of sport. It’s that good.

In other NBA news, our Bulls played considerably better than they have on their entire West road trip (they were 1-6 coming into Sunday night’s game) en route to a 116-103 win over the Suns last night. That core of the future - Kirk Heinrich, Ben Gordon, and Luol Deng - scored 29, 27, and 29 respectively. These guys are untouchable in any Gasol trade, if you ask me. Of course, John Paxson doesn’t.

Also, Kobe strong-armed LeBron and Co. last night for 36, but the Cavs came away with the 99-90 win. Oh, and D-Wade buried the Spurs in the 4th quarter. How’s that for leadership, Mr. Cuban? (I totally should have asked Cuban about this whole leadership thing when I had the chance.)

Oh, and Gil? I love you and all, but if you’re going to make ridiculous guarantees, at least get a fifth of the point total you promised. Yeesh.

A great deal of college basketball was played over the weekend as well, lest we forget. Let’s see if I can sum this up as concisely as possible: Duke sucks, Kentucky’s not enough, IU-Illinois is officially a rivalry, and Georgia Tech stays alive. That was actually kinda easy.

Oh, and thanks to those of you who either e-mailed or left a comment (I’m nodding in your direction, brosallman) about my LSAT Saturday morning. I feel pretty good about it. And after all, the test is mostly just logical reasoning, and I learned from the best:

I ain’t been rhymin like Common since
When your sense got that much in common
And you been hustlin since
Your inception
Fuck perception
Go with what makes sense

See? It’s easy!