Oh snap: Mike Downey pwns the Sun-Times

May 8th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

The Sun-Times is good at lots of things, but most of all, they’re good at bandwagoneerism. It helps to have Jay Mariotti on their roster, who windsocks with popular (and unpopular) opinion almost every single day. That helps.

But beyond Jay — when the slightest hint of buzz surrounds a topic, the Sun-Times is fantastic at absolutely beating it into the ground. Witness the contrived populist outrage surrounding Wrigley’s potential name change, something most reasonable people seem to be OK with, but something the Sun-Times seems intent on fighting with poetry.

This week’s White Sox blow-up doll blow up is no different. Most people have moved on, firm in the knowledge that baseball people are just as stupid and insensitive as one would assume. Nothing more, nothing less. But the Sun-Times needs to keep pickups high! They need this! Don’t you take this away from them!

The final word instead goes to Mike Downey, who absolutely excoriated, or pwned (whichever you prefer) the Sun-Times for its own women issues:

• Naked Dancers: Peep Show, $20 for 1/2 Hour”

• X-Treme Body Massages with ‘Hotties’ ”

• Hot, Wild, Fun—Blonde or Brunette?”

— Ads that ran in Wednesday’s sports section of the Chicago Sun-Times. Awwww, isn’t it sweet of the Sun-Times to go to bat against Ozzie Guillen’s bad language and the sexism of the White Sox? Gloria Steinem must be the new editor over there. I mean, isn’t it great to see the Sun-Times scolding the White Sox this way for offending women? You know, while the paper runs sex-club ads and sexy photos of non-athletes in the sports section? […] Bravo to the Bright One for making sure no one out there is offended by sex or dirty talk.

Downey’s logic eventually tapers off — he criticizes the Sun-Times for publishing the blow-up doll story as if the story itself is another example of crude content — but he’s absolutely, 100 percent right. More importantly, he’s criticizing the crosstown newspaper, and open newspaper feuds in Chicago are freaking awesome. They’re sort of like blog feuds, except even lamer. And that’s really fucking lame.

Rick Morrissey spits hot lava at Jay Mariotti

April 4th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Yes, it’s officially “Forgive Bartman” week in Chicago. The same sports culture that made a poor, sheepish little dude its personal whipping boy for five years now wants to welcome the man back to town, to present him with a freshly pressed green turtleneck, some dorky headphones, and a key to city. Everything’s really come full circle. Of course, if I was Bartman I wouldn’t trust the media in this city any more than I’d trust the meatball Cubs fans who believe in the billy goat bullshit. They’re all morons. They’re not to be trusted.

Anyway, this call for amnesty came from a pretty ironic place this week: Jay Mariotti. The same Jay Mariotti who relishes every opportunity to spook Cubs fans about this or that curse, to whom every little decision is a sign that the Cubs are doomed to failure every year. Now Jay wants to forgive Steve. And Rick Morrissey — occasional lunkhead himself — is all over him. Awesome:

And how about an apology from Lord Voldemort over at the Sun-Times, who suggested in a column Wednesday that “the cold war should end” and Bartman should throw out the first pitch at a Cubs game this season.

That’s precious.

This is the same Voldemort who has mentioned Bartman in 107 columns since Game 6 on Oct. 14, 2003, including a very impressive collection of 11 columns in a four-week span ending last October, when the Diamondbacks swept the Cubs in the playoffs. If my math is correct, that averages out to a mention of Bartman once every two weeks for 41/2 years. That’s quite the cold war.

Math! Proof! Evidence! Jay Mariotti is a hypocritical windsock! Oh, you didn’t know?

Welcome to the Jay Mariotti mailbox

March 31st, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

The Tribune and Sun-Times like to have their fair share of spats, most of which revolve around one of two things: Whether or not the Sun-Times is in fact dying (if the quality of its broadsheet is any indication, the answer is a wholehearted “yes”), and whether or not Jay Mariotti is indeed the spawn of the devil.

What’s funniest about the latter is that Mariotti is, in fact, quite bad at his job, though that’s only if you value insight and analysis and an interesting read. If you value controversy and papers sold — as a struggling paper like the Sun-Times might — then Mariotti is one of the best in the country at bringing it nearly every single day. It’s dishonest and silly, but it moves papers. Also, the Trib shouldn’t throw stones: They give Mike Downey ink twice a week, and even the Trib’s good columnists aren’t above the occasional dopey pander.

Still, this is hilarious: The Tribune has opened up the Jay Mariotti mailbox, a not-at-all-subtle jab at the Sun-Times‘ recent decision to outlaw reader feedback on Mariotti’s columns. (That way, no one can challenge Jay’s authoritah!) Readers can put whatever comments they’d rather have put under Mariotti’s byline on the Tribune’s site, and can thus have their feelings made known to the world. Little do they know, they’re only making Jay more famous. Whoops!

The Tribune’s site looks to be flooded with comments, which is no surprise. The real surprise is that an intern agreed to this. Poor bastard.

Today in contrived populist outrage

March 24th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Golly jee, rich people sure are mean!

It’s hideous enough that every night features another player-coach confrontation, followed by another double-digit collapse, followed by more boos in a building where six championship banners have been disgraced by the poisonous futility below. But you know what’s really pathetic about the Bulls?

The greedy, Reinsdorfian dopes in the front office are raising ticket prices next season, which not only adds insult to internal dysfunction but belittles paying customers as suckers. They want you to pay MORE for so much LESS when, in truth, I’d rather spend my disposable $1,350 on an Illinois-shaped corn flake, as some guy from Texas did on eBay.

Of course, the problem with this outrage is that if fans continue to pack the United Center each year — and they do — why wouldn’t the front office raise ticket prices? If fans aren’t going to sack up and spend their money elsewhere, it behooves the franchise to make money whenever possible. Talking about a Mariotti column as if it’s supposed to be anything else than a thinly disguised pander to the non-thinking sports fan is folly, but seriously: Does anyone think, if demand for Bulls tickets remains stable, the franchise shouldn’t raise ticket prices? Are people in Chicago really this stupid?

Don’t answer that.

{Photo HT}

Jay Mariotti doesn’t live in Wrigleyville

March 13th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Jay Mariotti is the king of manufactured drama. After all, four 800-word columns a week are tough to write if there’s nothing compelling going on in Chicago sports. For example, this week: The Bulls still suck, the Blackhawks are still surprisingly mediocre, and the Cubs and White Sox are still weeks away from truly mattering. There’s really nothing to get too excited about.

Ah, but Mariotti, whose schtick is well-recognized around here, has to have something. So he comes up with this:

It would be so typical, so Cub, if the Brian Roberts carrot dangled and teased and baited … and ultimately remained in Baltimore. Not since John McDonough distributed Beanie Babies and Mark Grace told the female fans where he drank beer has there been such breathless panting in Wrigleyville. I think Roberts will be here, and you think he’ll be here, and the players think he’ll be here.But what if, by some chance, he never arrives?

I live on the border of Wrigleyville and Lincoln Park. R lives mere blocks from Wrigley Field. After conducting a brief survey, I can confirm that neither of us have heard any literal or metaphorical panting. There’s this one dude I always catch sleeping in the alley, but he’s not really panting. Just sort of breathing hard. He’s not bothering anybody. And I’ve never stopped to ask, but I don’t think Brian Roberts anxiety is a cause of his breathing patterns.

This isn’t limited to geography, obviously, but seriously: Who is really worried about Brian Roberts right now? I haven’t heard his name in at least a week. If this is breathless panting, it’s the sorriest breathless panting I’ve ever been a part of. And I grew up with a lot of fat kids.

Jay Mariotti does not observe the 5-second rule

March 1st, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

Because it’s teetering very close to 4 a.m. right now and I doubt I’m going to be up at a reasonable hour tomorrow morning, it’s the perfect time to have some fun with Jay Mariotti!

From the USA Today via where else but here:

Tony Reali, host of ESPN’s Around the Horn, showed what he jokingly called Matta’s “drop and pop” repeatedly Monday. Panelist Jay Mariotti of the Chicago Sun-Times speculated it would hurt recruiting efforts. “Moms and dads, do you want your kids playing for that guy?” he asked.

Now, there’s somewhat of a chance this was taken a bit out of context. I mean, I don’t watch Around the Horn, so I’m not really sure. Perhaps he said it in a bit joking manner.

But then I think about it for a second, and it’s Jay Mariotti. And I’m pretty sure he meant what he said. And, I tooootally agree. Because if there’s one thing I’m not going to stand for as a parent guiding my child through a recruiting process, it’s a coach pulling a stunt like this.

*borat* NOT! */borat*

Sadly, nothing on this from Jay the Joke yet. In due time.

Texas fans sure have their priorities straight

November 15th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

So, you know how Texas lost to Kansas State this weekend? Well, it wasn’t because Colt McCoy went down or K. State quarterback Josh Freeman had a career day or because of the amount of freak plays on both sides of the ball. No, folks. It’s because of Doug Flutie.

You see, a Texas fan sent Flutie an e-mail threatening him after the loss saying “You jinxed the Longhorn faithful and a chance at the national title.”

Which, is the obvious choice here. Remember what Jay Mariotti says kids, announcers can jinx games!

And not only that, they can pretty much screw up your whole life, too. Your girlfriend cheats on you? Blame Doug Flutie. Democrats take over control of the house and the senate? Doug Flutie f’ed it up for you, bro.

Dickie V. once ruined a test grade for me. True story.

PostmanR’s guide to Halloween

October 25th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

EDIT: Shortly after I threw this post up, E tipped me off that everyone’s favorite sports blog had this link in leftovers. Sorry friends, I wasn’t surfing the Interweb all day like usual – I was on the academia grind. So, this post isn’t all too original, but the ideas within it are. Happy reading!

I was going to wait till next week to bust this out, but, if you, dear reader, are still scratching your brain for a costume, perhaps I can be of some assistance.

Here are some costume ideas sure to make your friends cackle with glee…or something like that.

Jay Mariotti:

Pretty straight-forward getup. Grab a unibrow, put some product in your hair, get a smug look on your face and go around gallivanting like you own the party you’re at, when in fact everyone hates your haughty-ness, your ideas and well, everything about you. (Including your soul.)

Charlie Weis:

Buy a sumo suit, put on a Notre Dame polo and some khaki slacks. And eat lots of cheesburgers – lots of cheeseburgers.

Sports blogger:

Pajama pants, a laptop, visceral hatred for mainstream media, although you read and enjoy it every day. Perhaps a couch to lie on as well as some cheetos. Misguided anger a must.

Michael Irvin:

Crack pipe? Check. Obnoxious striped suit? Check. Television skills?….Check?

Oh, you could also dress up as Corey Lidle like one of your buddies is doing. He’s probably going to hell, though. (Although, inappropriate costumes are the best, no?)

Mariotti takes on the tough questions

September 14th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

You know, the really searing questions that no one else will answer, like Does everyone hate you because they’re jealous of your looks and impeccable writing style? and When did you first know you were “more famous” than anyone else? and What’s your favorite thing about yourself? No sighting of Why are you such a fuck? anywhere in there, but Who do you most identify with - George Orwell, William Shakespeare, or Ghandi? couldn’t have been far behind.

The good gentlemen at The Big Lead have already taken a look at this, but I’m less interested in the ridiculousness of Mariotti’s quotes in the profile and far more concerned with the writer of the piece, Dirk Johnson. See, Mr. Johnson demonstrates a knowledge of the reasons people dislike Mariotti - his petulant writing style, his limitless ego, his quasi-oppressed Jesus complex - but fails to really confront those issues, opting to let Jay imbue the piece with his views of why it’s everyone else’s fault no one wants to sit at his lunch table anymore.

To be fair, the story is relatively close to balanced. At most mentions of Mariotti’s “positives,” negatives are routinely trotted out. The problem, of course, is that Mariotti has no redeeming qualities, making the positives impossible to swallow. If you need an example, chomp on this beaut:

In his 15 years in Chicago, Mariotti - who lives in the north suburbs with his wife and two daughters - has proved himself one of the most prolific sports columnists in America. He writes a dizzying number of columns, upwards of 300 a year. He is so fiercely driven he will sometimes rip up a column between editions and start over. His columns can infuriate, but also sparkle, like fireworks with cinders that fall and burn wherever they land. It’s certainly no fun to be the object of Mariotti’s ire. But he can be a pleasure to read.

Beyond the brutal metaphor, let’s get serious. Mariotti’s columns are never a pleasure to read. He’s verbose, unprofessional, whiny, and what’s worse, he’s the greatest windsock show on Earth. Don’t believe me? Read this. His willingness to switch stances - not for the sake of accuracy, mind you, but in the hopes he can never be called blatantly wrong - is well documented.

In the end, the question Mr. Johnson is missing is a grand one, but one he needed to ask: As such a prominent sportswriter with such a wide realm of influence, what, if anything, have you done, Mr. Mariotti, to genuinely improve your profession?

There’s no doubt Jay would make up some sort of platitude to satisfy his ego for that one, but maybe, after the interview was over, just maybe, he’d go home, clank a few ice cubes into his tumbler, and take a long, slow look at what it is, exactly, he does for a living. And maybe, for only a few columns, Mariotti would try to remember why he decided to spend his life writing, and he’d realize what he’s been doing for a long time is not that at all, really. It’s food-fight instigation, at this point; of course no one wants to sit as his table anymore.

Case of the Mondays: Stumbling back in front of the keyboard

August 14th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

So you were out all night this weekend, guzzling sake in a brothel-like hibachi experience, randomly throwing together your friends and an equal number of all-too-ready soriority girls for what could have been a scene from any given episode of Entourage.

OK, so that wasn’t you; that was me. But never fear, because it’s Monday, and we’re back at the Postmen helm. Still hungover.

Were you out and about, you may have missed the White Sox’ sneaky sweep of the Tigers. Those Sox, seemingly doomed but a week ago, have taken back a big ol’ chunk of that AL Central lead. Jay Mariotti has once again fully graced the Sox bandwagon, which is becoming a bit of a yearly tradition.

Maybe you were feeling a little international this weekend. Hey, so was Randy Lerner! He completed his purchase of Aston Villa, a middling English Premier League club, for about 62.6 million pounds. Browns fans everywhere now have financial evidence that Lerner is only slightly concerned with their football team’s chances of improving in any sincere way, and more concerned with owning a lot of shit. Rad.

Also, mark your fantasy boards: Clinton Portis took a shoulder injury last night. (I believe Mark Schlereth would say he’s “got a shoulder.” Jerkoff.) Not good for Redskins fans, or for anyone who might’ve just drafted their fantasy team. Thank God my league waits until the last possible moment.

As R would say, Snoop Bloggy Blog:

MJD gives us the latest in Joe Buck-related news. Yes, you will get more Joe Buck. [TheMightyMJD]

Golden State of Mind chronicles the Donald Sterling housing discrimination mess. [Golden State of Mind]

EDSBS takes on Orlando Sentinel columnist Mike Bianchi. I didn’t know who Mike Bianchi was, exactly, but I enjoyed this nonetheless. [Every Day Should Be Saturday]