Focus on the positives: Michael Jordan existed

February 5th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

I’m doing my best to prevent a meltdown here. Thankfully, I was directed to this video in TrueHoop’s Yinka Dare (the Youtube mix creator, not the deceased former NBA player) collection.

Sorry, Colts fans. You might have a Super Bowl now, but Jordan still twerked you in the Eastern Conference for a decade. I’m going to hang my hat on that one for a little bit here.

I’m starting to feel a little bit better.

Some Super Bowl betting help for you suckers

February 1st, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

Much has been made of the Billy Joel “just how long will he sing the National Anthem?” bet, which you can wager on over at the fine sports betting site, Bodog. You can also bet on about 1,000,000,000,000 other things for Sunday’s matchup over at Bodog.

Let’s dip into some, shall we?

Who will score more on Sunday: LeBron James or the Indianapolis Colts?

Well, LeBrizzle and the Cavs are hosting the Pistons at home Sunday. James is averaging 27.2 points a game. Eh, this one is TOUGH. Let’s go with LeBron here. Hopefully he drops over 30, because I see the Colts easily being able to score 27 or perhaps more on the Bears. OK, so maybe it would be better to go with the Colts then? Man, this betting stuff is hard.

Who will have more: James Blunt total Grammy wins or Peyton Manning total touchdown passes?

James Blunt is a douche. Plus, he’s British. BUT, Peyton Manning is a douche. And, he plays for the Colts. All that aside, I’d go with Peyton here. Yeah, Blunt is up for five grammys. HOWEVA, he has to go against Gnarles Barkley in the ‘record of the year’ category. No way he wins that one. So that like, totally means Peyton will get more TD passes than Blunt grammy awards. It’s science, people.

Who will have more on Sunday: Brian Urlacher solo tackles or Jason Kidd assists?

Definitely J. Kidd. He’s averaging almost nine dimes a game. Yes, Urlacher is quite the linebacker, but come on, I don’t see him racking up that many solo tackles. Racking up that many Miami women? Why yes, of course.

As far as the actual game line?

The Colts are seven point favorites. My head says take them to cover, my heart says Bears: 40 Colts: 0. So, yeah, um…wait, is that James Blunt playing outside my window? I must go investigate.

Case of the Mondays: The Bears, cigar smoke, and reporting live from the vortex

January 22nd, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

If you read this site even semi-regularly, then you’re well aware that R and I are loyal Chicago sports fans. While we differ on our choice of baseball teams, nothing unites us quite like those good old Chicago Bears.

Lo and behold, the first calender year after we start this site, our Bears are going to the Super Bowl. Repeat that one more time: The Bears … are … going … TO THE SUPER BOWL. Awesome.

We know nothing is won yet, and that the Colts have a pretty good team over there on the other side of the ball, and that the Bears aren’t perfect by any means and certainly not favored and … aw, who cares man? Let’s bust out the cigars. (30 guys smoking fat celebratory stogies in a small college house does terrible, terrible things to the nostrils, by the way.)

Anyway, my heart is already racing for the game. It would be bad enough if I lived in some Bears-dominated area, but thanks to my geography, I am literally in the one of the most divided football cities in the country, Bloomington, IN. Though it lies much closer to Indianapolis on the map, the huge number of Chicago-born college students creates a, I would say, 60/40 divide between Bears fans and Colts fans. I’ve already seen a fight between someone in a Tommie Harris jersey and someone wearing Brandon Stokley’s 83. (Which, by the way, is a really old, ugly jersey. At least find someone on the team, please.)

Oh, and I know this Case of the Mondays, and I’m supposed to, like, wrap some weekend shit up or something, but did anything else really happen this weekend? Nope, didn’t think so.

(Also, quick note: Thanks to recent scheduling changes, R and I are switching our site days around. I’ll be patrolling Monday and Wednesday now, and he’ll be working Tuesdays and Thursdays. Just so you know.)

Weekend Fun: These playoffs are killing me inside

January 19th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

We ought to apologize for our relative lack of football coverage this week (or coverage of any sort, really), but, see, it’s been hard on us. It’s one of those things that should be fun but that you put off forever because you’re so scared about it - you know, like moving out of your mother’s basement and getting a real job, you burnout. Day by day, it’s gotten more and more difficult to think about the NFL Playoffs. The Bears won, and I was still a Lindsay Lohan-level emotional wreck for two hours afterward. I can’t remember the last time I cried … but I was dangerously close to breaking the streak Sunday. (Don’t worry, I held off. I know, I’m just that tough.)

Anyway, the hour of reckoning is nearly upon us, so I suppose we should spend a little time trying to vitiate these two match ups to the best of anyone’s ability. Considering I thought the Colts were set to get worked last weekend, and persuaded myself that Marty could somehow prevent a playoff meltdown, my credibility is dangerously low. On the bright side, I went two-for-two in the NFC, so that’s … good, right?

Off we go …

Saints at Bears, 3 p.m. EST, Fox

Ho, boy. What am I going to do? A small part of me wants to feel bad about rooting against the Saints, but come on: the hype about a football team resurrecting a city and all of that, while nice and trite and all, isn’t really tangible in any way. I love New Orleans as much as the next guy, but the Lower 9th Ward isn’t going to even marginally improve if they go to Super Bowl. Electricity isn’t going to be reinstalled any more quickly, houses aren’t going to be cleaned out, and relocated refugees aren’t coming back any sooner. Can we agree on all of this? Can I feel OK for rooting for the Bears now? Glad we cleared that up.

As far as the actual football game (remember, that’s all it is), I’m terrified. Half-crippled Sean Alexander waddled for over 100 yards last week against the Bears - what will a healthy McAllister-Bush do to them? And with Drew Brees behind center, there’s no real way to prepare defensively for this team. Ugh.

But the Bears do have an offense of their own and a legitimate deep threat in Bernard Berrian. That’s good, because the Saints corners are some of the slower and thus most vulnerable in the league. The Bears defense isn’t what it used to be, but it might just be good enough to keep the offensive task manageable for the Sex Cannon.

I can talk myself into this further, or we can get down to brass tax: Bears 30, Saints 27

Patriots at Colts, 6:30 p.m EST, CBS

Ugh. We have to go through this again? Unless you’re a Colts or a Patriots fan (and let’s just hope you’re not a part of either wretched fan base), this is a lose-lose situation. Either the Patriots win, and we get to hear more about Belichick and Brady and their relative genius and Gisele Bundchen and GQ and Tedy Brussssssschi and walking out as a team and dancing like Shawne Merriman and - enough already! Really, we get it. The Patriots do more with less. Bully for them, but I’d prefer not to have every prominent sportswriter in the country reinforcing already commonly held tenets.

On the other hand, if Peyton Manning puts the Nokia phone away long enough to actually win this game, those same sportswriters that would have beaten Gisele to Brady’s knob will be all over Manning’s, wrestling like a thousand snakes fighting for one tiny, shriveled rat. (How’s that for a visual image? Beat that, Capote!) If Manning wins, we will be subjected to an unstoppable array of Manning-related fellatio. And I can’t stomach that.

So here’s the solution: The Colts win, but Manning plays horribly again. Peter King might go out on a limb for him, but at least the cascade of praise will be reasonably limited. This route also prevents any Patriots-fan gushing, and should stunt most of the media week nonsense. So even though most Colts fans I know are dicks, here goes nothing: Colts 22, Patriots 13

That hurt me way more than it hurt you.

This is already too much fun

January 15th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

If there’s one thing I’ve particularly liked about the direction Gannett has taken (besides the fact that unlike some conglomerates, they seem to get this whole ‘Internet thing’) is how entertaining the comment section under the Indianapolis Star’s articles and columns can become.

It’s Monday (MLK day, in fact) and already we have Colts and Pats fans going at each other like mentally challenged dogs starved of Pedigree and water.

Say what you want about how played out this Colts-Pats storyline is, but I’m going to try and make the best of it this week. (Hint: Just don’t watch ESPN. Stay in front of your computer reading blogs like this or this if you want some Manning-Brady Bowl coverage. It will be much more worthwhile and entertaining, while far less mind numbing than getting Manning’s or Brady’s shit-eating grins shoved down your face on SportsCenter every night. Not that I don’t think they’re both cute, because they are. Let’s get that straight.)

Just come to the Internet, where commenters such as Get er done talk some serious smack.

PatPa triot wrote:

Don’ t you guys ever get sick of us?
Bwa ha ha ha

The only sickness we’ll be getting from you is the cold virus you’ll be bringing with you from MASS…but there is a product available to wipe out any New England viruses… it’s called Lysol, and the Colts Offense and Defense will be the one’s doing the applying!
Go Colts! Git er done!

PatPa triot just got PWNED.

Johnny D enlightens us as well.

OK COLTS!
It’s time for a real-for-sure
PEY-Back!
This is your chance to grab that elusive “brass-ring”, grab it
with gusto!!
Your fans, our city, and many COLT
enthusiasts across the country are solidly behind you!
Good Luck and God speed. See you in Miami!

That’s just simply poetry in motion.

Anyways, as I said last Monday, don’t sleep on the Colts. And as much as don’t want to say this, I’ll be ro ro rooting (phew, that was hard) for them because if the Bears win next weekend as well, it will be a Bears-Colts Super Bowl. And the town we currently reside in will be near explosion.

And that, my friends, would simply be awesome.

Weekend Fun: Divisional playoffs style

January 12th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Is there a better sports month than January? Think about it: the NBA is in full swing (not to mention approaching the always-fun All Star Game), the college basketball season is entering its bonafide conference schedule, college football wraps up with a bang, and the NFL - well, you know all about the NFL.

That’s where we are this weekend: still digesting the college football season, steadying ourselves under the increasing weight of college basketball, keeping one eye on the NBA schedule, and staying squarely focused on the NFL playoffs, a mammoth entity too great for even the most apathetic NFL fan to ignore. Plus, I mean, the Bears are playing.

So let’s go through the Divisional match ups, completely ignoring the gambling lines - I’m not touching those with a ten foot pole - and see what we’ve got here.

Colts at Ravens, Sat. 4:30 p.m. EST

I confess: I thought the Colts were going to lay about 700 yards rushing to Larry Johnson last week, so perhaps I shouldn’t doubt them so vociferously again this week. But … bah, fuck it: they’re going to get crushed. The Ravens D is second in the NFL in rush defense, first in points allowed, sixth in pass yards allowed, and first in total yards allowed. Sure, Manning might be able to hit on some short routes, but Joseph Addai ain’t seen nothing like this.

Ravens 27, Indianapolis 20.

Eagles at Saints, Sat. 8 p.m. EST

Sometimes, in these playoff games, it takes some sort of extenuating circumstance to pick a rooting interest. A bet, perhaps, or maybe some ill will toward your ex-girlfriend’s new Philadelphia boyfriend. (I made that up. Promise.) But this game is not difficult in the least: New Orleans, a team that could uplift a still-struggling city with the flick of a few Drew Brees spirals, or a team led by … Jeff Garcia. Easy decision.

Saints 34, Eagles 17

Seahawks at BEARS, Sun. 1 p.m. EST

On the set of Superfans: Sure, Da Seahawks got an OK offense, der, Bob, but you know what? I think Rexy’s gonna get it done. Grossman’s line: 9 touchdowns, 0 INTs, 847 yards. (What? It could happen! Me, I’ll be watching the game with a Tank Johnson-like ski cap over my face. I can’t take this stuff.)

In all seriousness, I don’t know what to make of this game. The weather is supposed be nasty, but that doesn’t matter; Seattle isn’t exactly Tampa Bay. No, if the Bears have an advantage, it’s - stay with me here - Cedric Benson. He hits the hole, runs hard, needs no cutbacks and doesn’t rely on his footing to get him places. If it’s slippery, Lovie, GIVE THIS MAN THE BALL. Failing that, line up Rex at wide receiver. Might as well.

Don’t think I’m not keeping the faith, though. Who do you think I am?

Da BEARS 123, Seahawks - 22

New England at San Diego, Sun. 4:30 p.m. EST

Now this is a divisional playoff game. Belichick’s wily coaching style (the Patriots stood pat all year, just barely tipping their hand against the Titans in Week 17; what a coach!) vs. Martyball, a style that has apparently all but left San Diego. Problem is, what if the Chargers are nursing a small lead early? If you were a Charger fan, would you feel safe with that lead, knowing your coach might have a relapse and decide to start handing the ball off as many times as is humanly possible? Phillip Rivers will be taking knees on 1st and 10 at the 25, while Tom Brady sits on the sideline, grinning slyly, waiting for that last fourth quarter drive. Scarrrry.

That said, San Diego is still the best team in the league, and the Patriots laid a playoff stinker last year, so maybe Belichick isn’t so infallible. And it’s in San Diego … you know what? I just talked myself into this. Let’s go Chargers.

Chargers 24, Patriots 21

This image will soothe the soul

December 4th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

There are moments when watching a team you loathe falter brings as much joy to your heart as watching your quarterback rack up a 1.3 QB rating, damn you Rex Grossman your team succeed.

This, my friends, was one of these moments.

Unfortunately, no one has uploaded the video of Rob Bironas’ miracle 60-yard kick against the Colts yesterday onto Youtube.

If it ever makes it up, you can rest assured I will either update this post with it, or perhaps give it its own separate entry.

(I actually don’t hate on the Colts that much; I just really like Rob Bironas. And by liking Rob Bironas, I mean I had never heard of him until yesterday.)

Case of the Mondays: Just watch this video, please

October 30th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

Our Bears won this weekend. Dominated, in fact. Indy played themselves a nice little game in defeating the Broncos at Mile High.

Yeah for them.

This video, dear reader, is far more important. Some dudes set up a Rube Goldberg contraption in their office and worked on it from 11 p.m. to 5:30 a.m. At the end, it knocks down some bowling pins.

When you think about all the dumb things you’ve spent way too much time on in your life, just think of two dudes in an office at 3 a.m. gleefully setting up the office fan at just an angle to keep the train moving.

You just may feel better about yourself.