France hates Floyd Landis. Or not.

April 24th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

If there’s anything I know about our American sports heroes, it’s that when all else fails — literally, when the new set of tests on your urine fail — it’s, well, IT’S FRANCE’S FAULT!!!!

“First of all, I won the Tour fair and square,” Landis told reporters during a conference call on Monday. “I’m disappointed but not surprised about the leaks from the lab or from USADA to L’Equipe. It’s just another example that the very few rights the athlete has have been completely ignored by the anti-doping world specifically in regard to LNDD and USADA. We’re looking at potentially deliberate falsification of results and willful destruction of evidence which was one of our arguments against re-testing being done at the lab in question.”

At this point, I don’t really think anyone in America — save for hardcore cycling enthusiasts — cares all too much about whether or not Landis deliberately added some testosterone to his system. But, at this point, dude just give it up already. Save some face, buddy.

In any event, this sort of reminds me of the time my second grade teacher thought she caught me breaking all those windows with rocks. Just because she actually saw me throwing them doesn’t mean a damn thing. It was all Sarah’s fault! The power of the opposite sex possessed me!

It might put Indiana hospitals on the map, at least

September 12th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Oh, Lance. What are we going to do with you? We’d like to believe you’re as innocent as the American Pie in American Pie, right before the dude put his penis in it. Untouched, unfettered, dominant American - that’s you, right?

Perhaps. Or perhaps not, since your former teammates keep saying that they took EPO while they were helping you race in the 1999 Tour de France. Perhaps, like the pie, you are spoiled, having injected the sweet penis of performance enhancing drugs into your warm, sweet, American-y crust.

Just a month ago or so, I had hoped Floyd Landis’ situation - you know, getting caught like the day after he won the fucking race - might help you out. If he could be caught that quickly, and tests hadn’t found a whiff of drugs on you in a decade, I figured you might actually be clean.

But things are piling up, my friend. I know you won’t tell us the truth - that would seriously hamper Livestrong product sales - but you might consider buying some sort of exotic island and moving there for good. You know, to avoid the flying brown stuff after it careens through the fan.

If nothing else, people might get reintroduced to your little episode from a few years back, when an Indiana University hospital worker said you admitted to taking performance enhancers. IU hospitals - scouring for truth!

As if they weren’t dealing with enough already…

August 17th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

So you’re Floyd Landis’ extended family. You’ve had a pretty rough go lately, dealing with the unbelievable mistake your relative made on one of the world’s largest sporting stages. Your emotions (presumably) range from proud to angry to sad to supportive and back 100 times.

Then, this happens. Floyd Landis’ father-in-law was found shot in a San Diego parking garage, and the shooting was ruled a suicide.

We try to be positive around these parts; sure, we get after ugly columns and Jenn Sterger every once in a while (by the way, her new column is fantastic), but we mostly just like to keep it light and fluffy. As lame as it sounds, that’s kinda what life is all about.

But this is too much for any positive disposition. As if the guy and his family didn’t have enough resting on their shoulders. Doping your blood is a bad idea, of course, but man - possibly feeling responsible for your father-in-law’s suicide? That’s punishment no one deserves.

Of explosions and doping and Busted Teams (Tees)

August 15th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

First, if you have a Dell Laptop, please step away. This is for everyone’s safety; I don’t need any of your exploding computer infecting my website tubes. It’s nothing personal.

Anyway, speaking of explosions - Floyd Landis’ team is disbanding. The Phonak team is kaput, and the owner, Andy Rihs, is struggling to find another sponsor.

Well, I suppose that makes sense. When your star rider wins the Tour de France, that’s a good thing. A bad thing, though, is when that same rider comes up with two contaminated samples given during his near-legendary ride through the mountain stages.

It probably doesn’t help that your team also suspended two riders right before the Tour for similar doping issues.

“As a passionate cyclist, I am bitterly disappointed that the sport of cycling apparently has become a synonym for doping,” Rihs told the team’s website.

Ahem, Andrew. Andy. Buddy. That kinda seems like it’s, maybe, kinda your fault. Just a hunch, but when you have three people caught doping on your squad in one year - including the FUCKING TOUR DE FRANCE WINNER - there might be an in-house issue you should address. Like, guys, STOP DOPING. Or something.

Good luck on the next sponsor though. Busted Tees, perhaps?

By the way - anyone else think Rihs (pictured) looks like a fatter, balder Bill Murray?  

It is here that Jay Leno “O’Reillys” Floyd Landis and his poppycock excuses

August 9th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

So, you’re Floyd Landis. And you’re scheduled to appear on the “Tonight Show” with Jay Leno shortly after your triumphant Tour de France victory. Then, you do whatever it is you do to your body (or someone else did to your body), have an 11:1 testosterone/epitestosterone ratio in your system, fail a drug test and then cancel your appearance on the “Tonight Show.”

Jay does not like that. Jay is angry. Jay will show you not to mess with him!

So yeah, Landis went back to Leno yesterday to tape a show and angry Jay did not go lightly on Floyd. It appears there was some grilling and calling out of Landis from ol’ Big Chin. (You can read some of the details here.)

And you know if Landis went on Letterman, Dave would have been a coward and not gone after him. Because even though Letterman owns an Indy racing team, Jay Leno has a bunch of sweet motorcycles.

And having a bunch of sweet motorcycles makes you more of a badass than owning an Indy racing team.

Do you understand? Me neither.

In a land of forgiveness, we still choose denial

August 2nd, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

In one corner, we have Floyd Landis. The Mennonite from Pennsylvania, a demon on the velo and champion (for now) of the Tour de France. In the other corner is Justin Gatlin. Thick, strong and explosive, he’s arguably the fastest man on the planet.

Both men are at the height of respective sports. And both men are most likely (gasp!) cheaters.

It’s already been pointed out by MJD and Pat Forde that in the cycling world (and one could assume, by extension the land of track and field) drugs, doping and testosterone is all just part of the game. Fair enough. I don’t feel confliction towards the sports when I realize this sad truth, it is what is and I’ll accept it.

But what continually confuses me is why these guys presumably continue to hide behind ill-conceived lies (sabotaging masseuse/alcohol). Now, if I was in a similar situation, I might choose the same sort of tactics.

But if recent history is any indicator, Floyd and Justin should take a page out of the Jason Giambi book.

Let’s take a look at some of the ballplayers entangled in the steroid/HGH baseball circus:

Rafael Palmeiro. Dude went in front of Congress, pointed and said he “never took steroids.” Later that year, he tests positive and tries placing the blame on teammate Miguel Tejada. Public perception on this guy is extremely low.

Same thing with Mark McGwire. Although never testing positive for any steroidal business his “not here to talk about the past” routine in front of Congress dropped him from heralded slugger to whimpering, little girl in the court of public opinion.

Jose Canseco. Say what you will about the guy for a being a snitch, but in my mind he comes out looking a lot smoother than McGwire and Palmeiro.

And lastly, Jason Giambi. Guy admits to a grand jury he knowingly used the cream, the clear etc. etc. does an apology without necessarily implying exactly what he was apologizing for and he went on his merry way.

Now, I’m not saying Jason Giambi is a revered figure across the land, but don’t you think he’s leaps and bounds ahead of guys like McGwire and Palmeiro - character and perception wise?

America is a land of second, third and even forth chances. Why not admit wrongdoing (presuming they are both guilty) in a sport we all know is pretty tainted anyways and save face a bit?

Blaming the victim - damn you America!

August 1st, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Testosterone. A fickle being; thousands of frat guys have it in huge supply, but the college freshman that works at the day job with you couldn’t muster a facial hair if his life depended on it. Oh, the inequality.

You see, it’s not Floyd’s fault. Not so long ago, he was the man with no testosterone. Ridiculed, laughed at - even his trainers had a deeper voice than he did. Their leg hair was bushy! Bushy! All Floyd wanted was a little forest to call his own.

It wasn’t a performance enhancer. It was a performance complement. One can’t go riding around the French Alps sans scraggly beard. When conquering mountain impasses with nothing but sheer human will (oh, and maybe some extra stuff thrown in the bloodstream for good measure), one requires the scraggliest of beards. Lance always had at least a little stubble. Why do you think he was always so intimidating? Even Jake Gyllenhall knows that.

Synthetic testosterone, schminthetic mestmosterone. Floyd needed it, OK? Self image issues can be crippling. Blame society, for its unreasonably hairy male visual standards. Blame the French, for its witchhunt coverage, coverage that was sure to unearth Floyd’s lack of back hair. Blame Floyd’s parents, for not mustering up enough genetic wherewithal to bestow their boy with the hormones he needed.

But don’t blame Floyd. No, Floyd is but a victim of the system, a pawn in society’s image game. You should be ashamed of yourself, America.

Case of the Mondays: Cubs win! Cubs win!

July 31st, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

Baseball:

We’re not sure how, but the Cubs have flat out dominated the Cardinals at Wrigley Field this season. The club’s four-game sweep of the Birdnals this weekend dropped Pujols and crew to a woeful 0-7 at Wrigley on the year. Hard to believe, no? You know, sort of like Mel Gibson getting a D.U.I. and being an anti-Semite in the process.

The Yankees acquired right fielder Bobby Abreu and pitcher Cory Lidle from the Phillies yesterday. Aging power hitter? Check. Unnecessarily large contract? Check.

Doping:

After Floyd Landis failed a drug test for having a little too much testosterone in his system (it was that sweet, sweet beer, damnit!) sprinter and sole co-world-record holder in the 100 meters, Justin Gatlin, tested positive for testosterone or other steroids from a drug test administered after a race in April. Gatlin’s coach claims he was sabotaged by a massage therapist who rubbed in a testosterone cream without Gatlin’s knowledge. Remember kids, drugs are bad for you.

Snoop Bloggy Blog:

Proof that Lance Armstrong was indeed in Iowa this weekend. E wasn’t making this up, people. [Deadspin]

Chuck Norris, the Combat League Playoffs and you. [Sportsfrog]

Ever wonder what announcers say during commercial breaks? Here’s a video of it. [WBRS Sports Blog]

Humanity is ripping itself apart at the seams

July 27th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Barry Bonds, yes. Obviously. Jason Giambi? Of course. Palmeiro. Whatever.

But Floyd? Floyd Landis? Say it ain’t fucking so.

Apparently, our boy did a little bit of the blood doping and failed a test during the Tour. He still has a chance to provide a “B” sample, whatever that is, and clear his name … but man. If that second sample doesn’t help him, he’s royally effed.

Come on Floyd! Your name is Floyd! You drink beer! You’re not supposed to buy into the whole superhuman must win at all costs bit, man. Damnit.

By the way, you have to think this kind of clears Lance from a fair amount of suspicion. I mean, they’ve been going after him for what, 8 years now? It took Floyd about a week to fuck up. If Lance was doping and got away with it for that long, that’s some James Bond-type shit right there. At this point, a political career could be well within reach.

(By the way, I hope you noticed the category - “We Recommend.” There’s really nothing else to file this under without starting a “Cylcing” or “Blood-Doping” category. But kids, we don’t endorse blood doping. That shit is not cool.

Also, apparently, this was not blood-doping per se, but rather testosterone use. It’s all the same to me, but just clearing it up.)

Weekend Fun: Floyd takes us all for a ride

July 21st, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

When I was little, my Dad - still limber before three back surgeries - used to pack my brother and I into a little Schwinn tent-on-wheels sort of thing, which he would use to drag us about our suburban neighborhood.

For some reason, I just thought of that as I considered writing about Floyd Landis and his amazing last two days, which he began relatively forgotten in the Tour de France. Now, Landis is back in third place and has a chance to challenge for the Tour title tomorrow. Imagine if one of the Tour de France guys could compartmentalize someone into those Schwinn things my Dad used to use and take them whipping around the Pyrenees. That would certainly be a ride. Instead, we’ll have to settle for enjoying Landis’ story as the U.S.’ post-Lance cyclist. Good enough for me.

Besides cycling, there’s a good bit else going on this weekend. If the repitition of riders repeatedly pedaling is too boring for you, you might find some solace in the non-stop, fast-paced thrills of … golf. That’s right, the British Open is engaging the masses again (as we’ve chronicled a good bit just down the page there), and Tiger is back in business. Like I said earlier, those Tiger fist pumps are always entertaining. And you never know - maybe Phil will be around on Sunday too, preparing to answer the question posed by his nickname (FIGJAM).

That should be plenty to hold you over. Of course, we finally (only about three days late) got the copy of NCAA we were talking about, so we’re going to go ahead and pop that in and review the bejeesus out of it. In fact, we might live-blog the experience, or at least the day-job co-workers’ experience with it. Stay tuned for that.

And, reader, in case you forgot - I love you. See you Monday.