Daddy, why are the draft men yelling?

April 28th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Because this is the most important day of the year for the draft men, sweetie, and neither like having their authority challenged by the other. Really, though, they’re both just as irritated ESPN’s coverage of the draft as everyone else. Let’s go over to Mike Tirico, and back to Chris Berman, who wants to share stupid nicknames with you now, and ohmygodwhatisKeyshawn wearing, and back to you, Stuart Scott, and which camera am I supposed to look into now, and wow these graphics are really shiny and distracting but at least the countdown builds some semblance of suspense, and wow Steve Young’s hand gestures are really distracting and unconvincing, and if I get up and go get another beer and, say, watch Ratatouille in its entirety and maybe read the collected works of Dostoevsky will I actually miss anything, and … let’s go back to Tirico. Mike?

AHHHHHHH.

There is no such thing as too much Chris Berman video

February 11th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

This is Friday night, smack dab in the hours when (presumably) no one reads sports blogs because anyone who would deign to read a sports blog is off getting boozy. Including yours truly.

But it would be shame if no one saw these. They are, of course, more Chris Berman footage, footage designed to make Senor Berman look every bit, I don’t know, mean? Creepy? Drugged-out? It’s better to just watch:

In situations like these, it’s important not to take things out of context. After all, that wouldn’t be fair to — oh, who am I kidding? This is pretty damning stuff, especially the first. We finally know everything we’ve always suspected: The man knows his Canadian painkillers.

{HT: Nyjer Please, who found these suspiciously quickly Friday night. Also, it was Colonel Mustard in the library with the candleholder. BUM BUM BUMMMM.}

Oh, Sports Guy - you slay me!

July 13th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Now hold on. Before you think I’m being sarcastic here, let me assure you. I am not. I actually really, really like the Sports Guy, despite a brief slump, I guess you would call it, earlier this year. Otherwise, he’s been brilliant for just about as long as I’ve read him.

Something funky is indeed going on over at his place of employment, however. Not only did he not know about that little gambling blog thing ESPN is starting up, he seems to be carving out his outsider status over there even more, with a greater ability to diss colleagues. Don’t believe me? Check out these two zingers from his chat yesterday:

Chris Berman (Bristol, Conn): You’re with me, Sports Guy.Bill Simmons: (Trying to fight off 100,000 bolts of electric current …)

Ken (Tarzana, CA): Your’re subbing for Kornheiser on PTI. Who do you want sitting next to you? Stuart Scott or Skip Bayless?

Bill Simmons: (2:04 PM ET ) How drunk am I allowed to be before I go on the air?

The first one, with the slick Berman reference, is kinda funny, but so many people know that little story it’s past its point. The second one is much funnier, if only because I can imagine both Stu and Skip hearing about the little jab and flipping out on one of the Page 2 editors or the Buzzmaster. Hilarious. The really interesting thing is that these little remarks are even making it past whatever chat moderator is working with Simmons. Maybe he doesn’t have a moderator? Even better.

Throw in Bill’s ongoing feud with Screamin’ A Smith, and you’ve got an ESPN writer who not only realizes his ability, but who capitalizes on the knowledge that a lot of the people he works for - and works with - are five-compartment toolboxes.