Of Ozzie Guillen and blow-up dolls

May 6th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

It’s bad enough the Sox are coming off a four-game sweep at the hands of the Blue Jays. It’s bad enough their first place title is now gone, destined never to return again this season. It’s bad enough Guillen turned out one of his famous tirades in which he called the Sox “Chicago’s bitch.” (Can’t say I necessarily disagree.)

On top of all this, Guillen now has to deal with columnists shocked — absolutely shocked I tell you! — that a major league clubhouse might, get this, not respect women all the time.

Designed to help the team break out of its slump, the shrine featured two female blow-up dolls surrounded by ‘’strategically placed” baseball bats and was accompanied by a sign that read, ”You’ve Got To Push,” Canada’s National Post reported.

”A few of the bats were doing naughty things,” Sun-Times beat writer Joe Cowley wrote in his blog. Apparently one of the dolls was propped up by a bat in its rear end. Whether the lewdness was intentional or not, this was inappropriate. As were the blow-up dolls. Period.

[ … ]

Apparently the sensitivity training classes Guillen attended after using a gay slur in 2006 did not include a segment on blow-up dolls.

Just so we’re clear, had there been any female reporters working Sunday’s game — my understanding is there weren’t — the Sox could have found themselves in legal trouble as a result of the display. It’s also possible male reporters were offended by the display.

But this isn’t about reporters’ feelings. Reporters are conduits to the fans. What a team does behind closed doors is its own business. But once the locker room opens, the franchise is on public display. So, how do you like your team now, Sox fans? Do you think the players respect women? I’m not so sure about that.

So in an effort to try and lighten the mood and help the team hit, the Sox have effectively pissed off a female Sun-Times columnist and still aren’t hitting at all. So, to tally: one Guillen outburst, one borderline sort of, but not really offensive prank by the Sox all within the span of one series. And it’s only May. This season, I have a feeling, only promises to get better.

Ozzie Guillen is creeping on Derek Jeter

April 24th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Everyone likes Derek Jeter at least a little bit. Or, that is to say, everyone likes the idea of Derek Jeter, the notion that there is this steely-eyed clutch monster who never lets his team down. The ultimate captain. The gamer. The winner. Mr. New York. All that nonsense.

A look at the real Derek Jeter reveals a player who, while still productive offensively, is a truly dismal defensive player and whose “clutch” exploits have found something of a selective audience. When the Yankees win in the playoffs, it’s because Jeter pulled them through; when they lose, it’s because A-Rod let them down. Nor is Jeter a particularly good captain, considering he’s seemed pretty willing to let New York fans filet Rodriguez even though Rodriguez is without question the better player.

Anyway, you probably wouldn’t be reading if you didn’t already know all this, so let’s get to the important bit: Ozzie Guillen buys in to the Myth of Derek Jeter, and wants (his imaginary daughter) to make hot, sweaty man-love with that myth:

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had no problem expressing his man-crush on New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter. ”Derek Jeter has everything in his life,” Guillen gushed Wednesday. ”He’s got money, he’s got rings…”

Then Guillen paused and laughed as it became obvious where he was going.

”He’s not married,” he continued. ”He lives in New York. At the All-Star Game, I looked around to see if he’s got anything I don’t like. Whoa. The perfect man. Too bad I don’t have a daughter.”

I don’t want to know what Ozzie could possibly have been “looking around at”, or what about it was so “perfect.” I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Anyway, I’m sure he was just talking about Derek Jeter’s lifestyle. I heard that lifestyle is great, too. Long, and thick, but not too much … just the right balance of size, girth, and proportion. That’s one hell of a lifestyle.

Ozzie Guillen just now realizing how dumb most humans are

April 7th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

I don’t hate Ozzie Guillen. I’m ambivalent. He’s not a great manager, and gets way too much credit for the White Sox’ 2005 World Series run — home runs and lights-out pitching had far more to do with the team’s success than any supposed “smartball” could have — but he’s not a bad manager, either. He’s like most: reliant on talent for his own reputation. Managing is redundant that way.

So no, I don’t hate Ozzie, but I do kinda pity him. Because it seems he’s just now figuring out that there are morons in the world:

After a quick scan through his e-mails, Ozzie Guillen has read how he ”hates Brian Anderson” as well as being a ”Venezuelan piece of [bleep] that is racist and only starts the Latino players.” And those were sent in just the last few days. Not that the Sox manager is a stranger to hearing that kind of talk, but now seemed the time to set the record straight on a few fronts. Especially concerning the idea that he favors Latino players more than the ”white guys.””I got a bunch of e-mails that said I played the ‘Cuban Missile’ [rookie Alexei Ramirez in the season opener] because he’s Cuban,” Guillen said. ”Wow, did you see the spring training the ‘Cuban Missile’ had? You would play him, too. I don’t make a lineup because of who is Latino and who is not. That’s ignorant. The ‘Cuban Missile’ had bad games because he went against C.C. [Sabathia] and [Fausto] Carmona.

All sorts of confusion here. What is Ozzie doing reading email from fans? Is this his personal account, or a WhiteSox.com one? And why aren’t PR people filtering out the retards? But mostly, if Ozzie is just now realizing that there are a lot of dumb white people in this country, and that some of them have some truly damaged thoughts about professional sports and race, well, we need to get him a gig filtering promo-screen FanHouse commenters. That ought to open some eyes.

Len Kasper rules

February 28th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Baseball announcers are a fact of life. For example, if you’re a White Sox fan, and you really really want to watch the White Sox every night, you’re stuck with Hawk Harrelson. You might like Hawk. You might despise Hawk. But for better or worse, if you want to enjoy the crack of the bat and all the other sounds of baseball, you have to listen to Hawk’s twang and Darrin Jackson’s mumbles to do so.

So it goes for the Cubs. Fortunately, the Cubs have one of the cooler, hipper, more listenable, not-a-dinosaur baseball men in the business, one Len Kasper. A day after Sam Zell threatened to destroy all that is good and holy about free Wrigley Gum advertising space, it’s refreshing to be reminded of something the Cubs are doing right. Kasper is all of the following: a self-confessed “fringe sabermetrician,” a guitarist, and an indie rock enthusiast:

Beyond baseball, Kasper and Brenly discovered another mutual love: music. They’ve met up at Lollapalooza. The two would make mix tapes for each other. Kasper introduced Brenly to the Brian Jonestown Massacre and Son Volt; Brenly got Kasper into Ryan Adams, The Black Keys and Cold War Kids.

“You’ve got 2 1/2 hours of airtime and a lot of games during the course of a season,” Brenly said. “We both appreciate it can’t be baseball all the time.”

And now, the two have taken their music appreciation on stage. For the last two years, The Len & Bob Band has performed at the House of Blues for charity. Clips of the show circulate on YouTube, including a punk version of Patsy Cline’s “Crazy,” and “Love Stinks” by the J. Geils Band.

I know what you’re probably thinking: “E, I don’t give a shit if this guy likes The Black Keys. Can he broadcast?” And the answer is yes, he can. But in a world where Joe Morgan and Tim McCarver are considered by most average fans to be the foremost authorities on baseball talk, isn’t it refreshing to have someone who’s even tangentially down with the kids? Even if his voice is nasally from time to time?

I say yes. If you disagree, go listen to the Hawkmeister. He’s got this great Conway Twitty album he’s been meaning to suggest to you …

This should go well

February 18th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

As R is a White Sox fan, and I am a Cubs fan, we politely agree to disagree about Chicago baseball lore. To him, the White Sox are a first love passed down by family. To me, the Cubs are the purest expression of baseball we have left, a nostalgic treat for someone who usually eschews nostalgia and an unhealthy obsession passed down by WGN. In Iowa, no one can hear you cheer — but we love the Cubs all the same.

There is one thing we do agree on: Ozzie Guillen is out his damn mind. Thankfully, Ozzie has decided to be free to be Ozzie this year. This is going to be awesome:

In fact, he has put the stadium operations people on notice, saying they might want to rethink the plan that calls for his postgame news conferences to air on the U.S. Cellular Field video screen.

“I know there are kids there,” he said.

Guillen promises to be “back to [being] Ozzie.” That means his language won’t be fit for children and that his commentary about his players will be pointed.

“Last year I hated to walk back to the tunnel and see [reporters],” Guillen said. “I ran out of bullets because I was honest. Sometimes during games I was asking the coaches what to say. This year I’m going to know what I’m going to say because I’m back to being Ozzie.”

Having lost their two gritty, grindy top-of-the-lineup-but-why? white guys in the offseason, the White Sox will need Ozzie to make up the grit deficit. Everybody, get ready to bunt!

Case of the Mondays: I love interleague play

May 21st, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

(Before he begins, PostmanE would like to apologize for being so late to the punch today. He went for a brief swim in the backyard pool with a cinderblock tied to his ankle, and has since been dealing with his disappointed father. Back now, though.)

Ah, yes, Monday morning. The morning after a three-day stint of drinking and watching baseball and taunting friends. That is what interleague play is all about: Cubs and Sox fans packed into a Wrigleyville bar shoulder to shoulder, alternating chants, downing expensive Old Styles and stumbling home in the middle of the day. (And then napping and then getting back out there, of course.)

Sorry, but I can’t get with the purists who decry interleague play as a violation of tradition. It is, above all things, fun. I know it’s fun for the fans, I get the impression it is fun for the managers, and even the players, or most of them, seem to enjoy it. Without interleague play, who gets bragging rights? Who gets to call himself the best manager in the city? (This weekend in Chicago, with his sneaky little Derrek Lee pinch-hit, that was clearly Lou Piniella.) Without interleague play, how can you switch from radio station to radio station, just to see the different ways the team’s announcers are calling the game? It’s fun, damnit. Isn’t that baseball’s oldest, and finest, tradition?

NBA: Sorry, but with the travel and the weekend-long focus on baseball, the NBA went quietly by. That might have to do with the fact that the Spurs had such a quick turnaround from the series with the Suns, but all the same, they had no problem dispensing with the Jazz in typically efficient fashion. If Deron Williams is going to be the Jazz’ leading scorer all series, that will no go well for the Fightin’ Mormons. Also, the return of Big Shot Rob and his evil calm feels like some sort of Darth Vader re-entrance. (”They complained … like I can get in their heads and play Nintendo with their minds and bodies and get them to walk out onto the court,” Horry said [of Stoudamire and Diaw’s suspensions].) Poor Jazz.

Preakness: Some horse other than Street Sense won, which continues to prove just how hard it is to win a Triple Crown. It also proves how hard it is to win money at horse-racing. Stupid off-track betting; I could have had ten more Old Styles!

Um, the White Sox may in fact stoop to this level

October 11th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

Well, hopefully not. But here’s the latest out of the South Side. All home night games will start at 7:11 next season!!!!

Weekend Fun: Set head dials to “explode”

September 15th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s enough to make taligating seem like an afterthought.

Seven games, 14 ranked teams, eight Heisman trophy candidates, a bajillion fans - that’s this weekend in college football, a slate of intensity that I don’t know I’ve ever experienced before. I’m sacrficing for this weekend. Not only might I not tailgate, but I decided not to travel to Notre Dame for the Michigan-Notre Dame game too. This might be the greatest college football weekend of my lifetime, and I plan not to waste it, sir.

Of course, you’re not properly prepared for the weekend unless you’ve read Pat Forde’s rundown of the games and, as I’m still getting my head around it all, I’ll just let him handle the introductions. But I will say this: Texas Tech, Oregon, Miami, Florida, USC, Michigan, LSU. Got that?

Even though I won’t be paying attention to it, you might: Starting tonight at 9, R’s White Sox look to get back their two game deficit from the Twins and make this a real, live baseball race. C’mon - you know it, I know it - the Tigers are collapsing like PostmanE at 7 p.m. on a tailgate day. Let’s end this cruel charade, eh?

Let’s be fair here, no one’s really paying attention to this: Ah, another PGA Tour event, another likely missed cut for Michelle Wie. Keeping the moralizing to a minimum…fighting off urges to make psuedo-sexist comments…must…be…strong…

Highlight of the Weekend: Excuse me, the Magnificent Seven? Don’t they mean eight? Clearly ESPN - and everyone outside of Bloomington’s 3-square mile radius - has forgotten about the major tilt going down in central Indiana tomorrow. Hoosiers, Salukis, 4 p.m. Two of the country’s most storied…most plucky…ok, most laughable programs square off in a battle to see who’s the tallest midget. We’ve got Indiana (our Indiana) taking this one, and winning one for the Hepper. Get well, Coach.

Oh, and yeah, we’ll probably be tailgating, but we’ll be watching the Magnificent Eight, too, hopefully in some sort of hyperbolic chamber that will prevent our brains from oozing out our ears. If we can hold off early-onset dementia, we’ll see you Monday. Peace.

Weekend Fun: Full Pigskin Jacket

September 1st, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

In case you were worried, let me assuage your ponderings: Indiana is not - repeat, is not - a football state.

Our squad, IU, is perenially terrible; the small schools - Indiana State, Ball State, etc. - give suck a new perspective. Hell, even the state’s best (Purdon’t) are terrifically average by anyone else’s standards.

Thus, with the exception of tailgating, we’re a bit more excited about non-Indiana area football this weekend. The first glorious college football Saturday is here, complete with College Gameday, hungover roommates, a late tailgate, and loads and loads of exciting games.

Ranking-wise, the most exciting should be Cal vs. Tennessee, on ESPN at 5:30, but the Notre Dame-Georgia Tech, Vanderbilt-Michigan, and USC-Arkansas things should be relatively interesting, if not disasterously entertaining. Then again, as we’re tailgating from 12-6 on Saturday afternoon, the margin of football watched here might be pretty slim. Still, it’s comforting to know the games are out there, huh?

If college football isn’t your thing - in other words, if you’re a robot - solid baseball races still abound. The White Sox will look to hold on against the Royals as the Twins and Tigers test their mettle against the Yankees and Angels, respectively. Just for kicks, the Cubs are playing too, and are actually up 6-0 on the Giants right now. Whoaaa.

Also, if you’re masochistic, you could tune into USA Basketball as they complete their only slightly dissapointing FIBA World Basketball Championships. After the loss last night, it’d be nice to see Coach K, you know, try something different, if not for the purposes of the win, then at least to see where we need to go from here.

Scattered NFL exhibitions are around this weekend, too, but come on. It’s the first weekend of college football. Get to a campus - even if it’s one without a football team; hey, just like IU! - get a grill, get some beer and some tequila or whatever else floats your boat, and break off a piece of that pigskin. And we’ll see you there.

And your bizarre, yet somewhat fitting story from the All-Star Game goes to…..

July 12th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

JOEY CORA and CARLOS ZAMBRANO!

We’ll let the Chicago Tribune take over for a bit here:

The team’s only All-Star, pitcher Carlos Zambrano, was hit above the right elbow with a fungo bat during pregame practice Tuesday by White Sox coach Joey Cora. Neither Zambrano nor Cora was available for comment afterward. Cora said through a Sox spokesman that Zambrano was doing an interview with a Venezuelan journalist behind the batting cage and Cora hit struck with a backswing while he was hitting ground balls to infielders. X-rays taken at PNC Park were negative.

The article later indicated that Zambrano’s ‘elbow tendon contusion’ as they are calling it, was the reason he didn’t see any action in the All-Star Game, as he was slated to pitch the fourth and fifth inning.

We’re at a loss for why Cubs fans seem to hate A.J. Pierzynski so much. (OK, actually we’re not, but follow us here.)

Wasn’t it Cora who got involved in the brawl and may or may not have used his teeth as a weapon? And now, he goes ahead and injures the only Cubs starter of any value?

It’s time to reevaluate your hating priorities, Cubs fans.