White Sox 80s prototype jerseys = boss

July 2nd, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

I caught these late last night over at Uni Watch — which is an excellent column, btw — and I can’t get enough of them. Apparently the Sox drew up a bunch of prototype jerseys before they went with the beach towel look and decided to display these ones that never graced the field.

My favsie is the one three from the right with the stripe extending from the chest down the sleeve with the big Sox logo on the front. FRESH TO DEATH.

Negligible emo-pop invades Wrigley Field

June 23rd, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

The White Sox and their fans weren’t the only sketchy things invading Wrigley Field this weekend — White Sox joke! oh snap! — Fall Out boy frontman and ubiquitous CTA billboard-dweller Pete Wentz was there, too. He threw out the first pitch and sang the seventh-inning stretch and was in general kind of annoying:

That video didn’t have Wentz’s best moment. In the bottom of the seventh, Jason Marquis reached base on a weak single, only to slightly turn toward second base and be tagged out by A.J. Pierzynski. Wentz’s confused questioning of Bob Brenly was classic: “What, so can he like not even turn that little bit? Really?” Because OMG, sports are so not scene. Know the rules? Whatever dude.

OMG CUBS-SOX OMG

June 20th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s probably because I’m a dirty (now flooded) Iowa native that I don’t have much appreciation for Cubs-White Sox. I mean, I get that the series itself is kind of a big deal — anytime regionally relevant opponents square off, rivalry ensues — but excuse me for not thinking it’s the biggest deal in the world. Everyone else, apparently, disagrees:

The Chicago Tribune would like to ask the important question of our day: Why are baseball fans/Chicagoans/fat people so fat? Hey, look at that fat guy! Also: Is this the golden age of Chicago sports? (No.) Are you ready to rumble in a needlessly violent fashion at Wrigley Field? (Yes!) Did you need a reminder that the first game starts in like three hours, even though, you know, everyone is talking about it? Here’s this handy countdown that you really shouldn’t need if you have ever cared about baseball ever in your life! WOOOOO!

Of course, the Sun-Times is on the story too:

Do you dream, Chicago fans? Do you love? Do you go to bed at night, still stinking of the day’s toil, hoping for a future brighter than the present? Are you going to vote for Barack Obama? Then this baseball series is for you! Maybe some dude will punch some other dude, or something.

Of course, I kid. I’m actually pretty happy with all this coverage, because baseball is fun, I enjoy it immensely, and Sox-Cubs feels like an event to be witnessed. Those are always worth the pixels. It is unfortunate, though, in the midst of all this harmless fun and sheer joy, that the Sun-Times still lets Jay Mariotti write things like this. I think Kenny Williams is kind of a nitwit, too, but it seems impossible to me that Mariotti can get away with writing that it’s “low” for Williams to bring up the Cubs’ 100-year title drought. It’s not like Mariotti, you know, brings that up whenever possible. And yet, there it is:

How weird is that? How low is that, bringing up the 100-year plague? And how hypocritical is that, given his role in the ongoing civic grudge? For years, Williams has positioned himself as an executive who encourages Sox fans to hate the Cubs and, thus, has contributed mightily to dividing the city. Now, he chides Cubs fans because they “refused to enjoy” the World Series title won by the Sox in 2005? He wants Sox fans to resent the Cubs and Cubs fans to respect the Sox? And I thought Ozzie Guillen made no sense.

Sigh. This is going to be a circus.

Update: ESPN’s on the bandwagon now too, though I give them credit for leading with a particularly funny D.J. Gallo how-to for soulless bandwagon jumpers. Yay national attention. Yay.

Kenny Williams gets you ready for the MOST IMPORTANT SERIES OF OUR TIME

June 19th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Kenny Williams has pulled no punches this morning. Why, he’s provoking Cubs fans! And I’m responding! On two blogs!

”It is so different,” Williams said. ”You might as well build a border, a Great Wall of China on Madison, because we are so different. We might as well be in two different cities ”The unfortunate thing for me is it’s a shame that a certain segment of Chicago refused to enjoy a baseball championship being brought to their city. The only thing I can say is, ‘Happy anniversary.”Early in his career as GM, talks of budget constraints would creep up. So hours before the Sox played the Pittsburgh Pirates, Williams was asked — if the opportunity presented itself — if he could imagine ever being GM of the deep-pocketed, throw-money-at-every-hole Cubs.

”That would be a betrayal,” Williams said before a long pause. ”God, I would really, really have to need the job. Oh, wow, really need the job.’ ”Let me just throw out one question: What happens if we win another one before they win one?” he said.

First, kudos to Sun-Times reporter Joe Cowley for labeling the Cubs as “throw money at every hole,” when the White Sox’s 2008 payroll just slightly exceeds the Cubs’. Whoops!

Second, Kenny, if the White Sox win another title, congratulations. I imagine it will be just as sweet as the first. Your fans will be pleased. In the meantime, keep draining that farm system and hiring shady scouts to sell you bogus prospects. Whoops again!

Third, if we are to follow Kenny’s logic, surely he’ll be rooting for the Cubs to win a World Series this year. You know, just to enjoy it? Somehow, I doubt that.

What I didn’t write at FanHouse is this: Kenny and Ozzie know their fan base. Without making any crude generalizations about White Sox fans — many of whom are informed, bright people whom I would like to hug with both arms — Sox fans occasionally like to bemoan their second-rate status in Chicago. Williams and Guillen know just how to rile up their base. They’re the Karl Rove of baseball management. If White Sox fans really want to buy into this — that they’re owed some sort of extra due from Cubs fans — that’s fine. The smart ones won’t do it. I hope.

In the meantime, the CROSSTOWN SERIES is set to be the MOST IMPORTANT OF OUR LIVES. Did you hear both teams are in first place? And that they’ll … still probably in first place no matter what happens? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!?!

Ozzie Guillen knows Lou Piniella can eat him under the table

June 18th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

What has it been … a solid week since Ozzie Guillen has given us a quote to blog about? I mean geez: I can’t just go out and create this stuff, Mr. Guillen. You need to be swearing and joking and talking like a madman on a daily basis so I have something to blog about. Heaven forbid I actually have to dig deep and search for something of worth.

Wait, what’s that you say?

”Lou Piniella does two things better than me,” Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said before Tuesday night’s game against Pittsburgh. ”Managing and eating.”

[ … ]

”It took them three weeks to find a [body] double for Piniella,” Guillen said. ”For mine, you just go to a model agency.”

This reminds me of a few summers ago, when Subway ran a promotion around the Cubs-Sox series in which Piniella and Guillen had their own sandwiches you could get. I think they should have an eat-off with these before the first inning Friday.

I give Guillen a fighter’s chance. I think the bread will start to weigh Piniella down after some time.

UPDATE: Ziggy– a smart, handsome commenter with a better memory than me — points out the Subway deal was actually with Dusty Baker and Ozzie. Which, in turn, works the same if not better. (They are both portly.) Yeah for my errors working out in the end.

Here comes the flood

June 9th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s June. It’s baseball season. The Sox and Cubs, each the product of their own demented universes, are playing extremely good baseball. This means one thing: Lame national attention time!

Oh my God! Did you know Chicago “does weird” better than anyone in the country? I don’t know what that means, but you can bet it’s going to lead to a tremendously confusing Wojo column, in which he lists the reasons why Chicago is the most compelling sports city in the U.S. Seems like a flimsy premise, doesn’t it? It is!

Or, what’s this: An argument about a topic that pretty much everyone, even White Sox fans, would agree is not that much of an argument? Let’s have at it! (Oh, and it’s the Cubs. Come on.)

Finally, let’s roll some footage. How about John Kruk on how Ozzie’s rant magically energized the White Sox clubhouse, just in time for them to restore their 2005 awesomeness. It was the rant, of course, and not the fact that they’re hitting better and scoring more runs. It’s Ozzieball! Totally!

Everyone who had June 9 in the “When will ESPN realize both Chicago teams are good?” pool, please collect your winnings in human resources. Thank you.

Of Ozzie Guillen and blow-up dolls

May 6th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

It’s bad enough the Sox are coming off a four-game sweep at the hands of the Blue Jays. It’s bad enough their first place title is now gone, destined never to return again this season. It’s bad enough Guillen turned out one of his famous tirades in which he called the Sox “Chicago’s bitch.” (Can’t say I necessarily disagree.)

On top of all this, Guillen now has to deal with columnists shocked — absolutely shocked I tell you! — that a major league clubhouse might, get this, not respect women all the time.

Designed to help the team break out of its slump, the shrine featured two female blow-up dolls surrounded by ‘’strategically placed” baseball bats and was accompanied by a sign that read, ”You’ve Got To Push,” Canada’s National Post reported.

”A few of the bats were doing naughty things,” Sun-Times beat writer Joe Cowley wrote in his blog. Apparently one of the dolls was propped up by a bat in its rear end. Whether the lewdness was intentional or not, this was inappropriate. As were the blow-up dolls. Period.

[ … ]

Apparently the sensitivity training classes Guillen attended after using a gay slur in 2006 did not include a segment on blow-up dolls.

Just so we’re clear, had there been any female reporters working Sunday’s game — my understanding is there weren’t — the Sox could have found themselves in legal trouble as a result of the display. It’s also possible male reporters were offended by the display.

But this isn’t about reporters’ feelings. Reporters are conduits to the fans. What a team does behind closed doors is its own business. But once the locker room opens, the franchise is on public display. So, how do you like your team now, Sox fans? Do you think the players respect women? I’m not so sure about that.

So in an effort to try and lighten the mood and help the team hit, the Sox have effectively pissed off a female Sun-Times columnist and still aren’t hitting at all. So, to tally: one Guillen outburst, one borderline sort of, but not really offensive prank by the Sox all within the span of one series. And it’s only May. This season, I have a feeling, only promises to get better.

Ozzie Guillen is creeping on Derek Jeter

April 24th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Everyone likes Derek Jeter at least a little bit. Or, that is to say, everyone likes the idea of Derek Jeter, the notion that there is this steely-eyed clutch monster who never lets his team down. The ultimate captain. The gamer. The winner. Mr. New York. All that nonsense.

A look at the real Derek Jeter reveals a player who, while still productive offensively, is a truly dismal defensive player and whose “clutch” exploits have found something of a selective audience. When the Yankees win in the playoffs, it’s because Jeter pulled them through; when they lose, it’s because A-Rod let them down. Nor is Jeter a particularly good captain, considering he’s seemed pretty willing to let New York fans filet Rodriguez even though Rodriguez is without question the better player.

Anyway, you probably wouldn’t be reading if you didn’t already know all this, so let’s get to the important bit: Ozzie Guillen buys in to the Myth of Derek Jeter, and wants (his imaginary daughter) to make hot, sweaty man-love with that myth:

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had no problem expressing his man-crush on New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter. ”Derek Jeter has everything in his life,” Guillen gushed Wednesday. ”He’s got money, he’s got rings…”

Then Guillen paused and laughed as it became obvious where he was going.

”He’s not married,” he continued. ”He lives in New York. At the All-Star Game, I looked around to see if he’s got anything I don’t like. Whoa. The perfect man. Too bad I don’t have a daughter.”

I don’t want to know what Ozzie could possibly have been “looking around at”, or what about it was so “perfect.” I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Anyway, I’m sure he was just talking about Derek Jeter’s lifestyle. I heard that lifestyle is great, too. Long, and thick, but not too much … just the right balance of size, girth, and proportion. That’s one hell of a lifestyle.

Ozzie Guillen just now realizing how dumb most humans are

April 7th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

I don’t hate Ozzie Guillen. I’m ambivalent. He’s not a great manager, and gets way too much credit for the White Sox’ 2005 World Series run — home runs and lights-out pitching had far more to do with the team’s success than any supposed “smartball” could have — but he’s not a bad manager, either. He’s like most: reliant on talent for his own reputation. Managing is redundant that way.

So no, I don’t hate Ozzie, but I do kinda pity him. Because it seems he’s just now figuring out that there are morons in the world:

After a quick scan through his e-mails, Ozzie Guillen has read how he ”hates Brian Anderson” as well as being a ”Venezuelan piece of [bleep] that is racist and only starts the Latino players.” And those were sent in just the last few days. Not that the Sox manager is a stranger to hearing that kind of talk, but now seemed the time to set the record straight on a few fronts. Especially concerning the idea that he favors Latino players more than the ”white guys.””I got a bunch of e-mails that said I played the ‘Cuban Missile’ [rookie Alexei Ramirez in the season opener] because he’s Cuban,” Guillen said. ”Wow, did you see the spring training the ‘Cuban Missile’ had? You would play him, too. I don’t make a lineup because of who is Latino and who is not. That’s ignorant. The ‘Cuban Missile’ had bad games because he went against C.C. [Sabathia] and [Fausto] Carmona.

All sorts of confusion here. What is Ozzie doing reading email from fans? Is this his personal account, or a WhiteSox.com one? And why aren’t PR people filtering out the retards? But mostly, if Ozzie is just now realizing that there are a lot of dumb white people in this country, and that some of them have some truly damaged thoughts about professional sports and race, well, we need to get him a gig filtering promo-screen FanHouse commenters. That ought to open some eyes.

Len Kasper rules

February 28th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Baseball announcers are a fact of life. For example, if you’re a White Sox fan, and you really really want to watch the White Sox every night, you’re stuck with Hawk Harrelson. You might like Hawk. You might despise Hawk. But for better or worse, if you want to enjoy the crack of the bat and all the other sounds of baseball, you have to listen to Hawk’s twang and Darrin Jackson’s mumbles to do so.

So it goes for the Cubs. Fortunately, the Cubs have one of the cooler, hipper, more listenable, not-a-dinosaur baseball men in the business, one Len Kasper. A day after Sam Zell threatened to destroy all that is good and holy about free Wrigley Gum advertising space, it’s refreshing to be reminded of something the Cubs are doing right. Kasper is all of the following: a self-confessed “fringe sabermetrician,” a guitarist, and an indie rock enthusiast:

Beyond baseball, Kasper and Brenly discovered another mutual love: music. They’ve met up at Lollapalooza. The two would make mix tapes for each other. Kasper introduced Brenly to the Brian Jonestown Massacre and Son Volt; Brenly got Kasper into Ryan Adams, The Black Keys and Cold War Kids.

“You’ve got 2 1/2 hours of airtime and a lot of games during the course of a season,” Brenly said. “We both appreciate it can’t be baseball all the time.”

And now, the two have taken their music appreciation on stage. For the last two years, The Len & Bob Band has performed at the House of Blues for charity. Clips of the show circulate on YouTube, including a punk version of Patsy Cline’s “Crazy,” and “Love Stinks” by the J. Geils Band.

I know what you’re probably thinking: “E, I don’t give a shit if this guy likes The Black Keys. Can he broadcast?” And the answer is yes, he can. But in a world where Joe Morgan and Tim McCarver are considered by most average fans to be the foremost authorities on baseball talk, isn’t it refreshing to have someone who’s even tangentially down with the kids? Even if his voice is nasally from time to time?

I say yes. If you disagree, go listen to the Hawkmeister. He’s got this great Conway Twitty album he’s been meaning to suggest to you …