From the It-Doesn’t-Even-Matter file

August 18th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

You know your quarterback situation’s bad when this is the top sports story in the most important newspaper in your city:

It’s not that we’ve actually come to the point where Kyle Orton is not only the favorite in the Bears’ quarterback competition. That’s not the first sign of a crisis; that’s just business as usual. It’s when the usually reasonable David Haugh throws his hands up in the air and starts pining for Kyle Orton — that, friends, that is when you are truly fucked.

This season is going to rule.

K.C. Johnson really hates Joakim Noah

June 27th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Hey, last night was fun. The Bulls drafted in a position they didn’t deserve and landed a player they didn’t really earn, and the prospects are bright. It was, generally, a fantastic evening to be a basketball fan, unless your name is Darrell Arthur.

But where most people saw the beginning of a bright Chicago Bulls future, Chicago Tribune reporter K.C. Johnson saw the perfect opportunity for a not-so-subtle dig at Joakim Noah:

Derrick Rose likes to attract attention as much as he likes committing turnovers, so a seersucker suit and bow tie definitely weren’t part of his equation Thursday night.

Nevertheless, Rose is all dressed up with somewhere to go after the Bulls used the No. 1 pick in the NBA draft on the speedy, sturdy point guard who grew up in the Englewood neighborhood on the city’s Southwest Side.

Unlike Joakim Noah’s brash and outlandish outfit when he was the team’s first-round pick last year, Rose blended in with a classic gray suit, blue shirt and tie. However, as the Bulls’ first No. 1 overall pick since Elton Brand in 1999, Rose won’t be blending in much anymore.

See, Derrick Rose is going to be good, because he’s really quiet, and Joakim Noah is an evil non-veteran bad seed because he … wore seersucker. And that bow tie. Everyone knows people that wear bow ties are douches.

In related news, it’s Friday, which means part two of THE MOST IMPORTANT SERIES OF OUR TIME. I think the White Sox are winning already.

OMG CUBS-SOX OMG

June 20th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s probably because I’m a dirty (now flooded) Iowa native that I don’t have much appreciation for Cubs-White Sox. I mean, I get that the series itself is kind of a big deal — anytime regionally relevant opponents square off, rivalry ensues — but excuse me for not thinking it’s the biggest deal in the world. Everyone else, apparently, disagrees:

The Chicago Tribune would like to ask the important question of our day: Why are baseball fans/Chicagoans/fat people so fat? Hey, look at that fat guy! Also: Is this the golden age of Chicago sports? (No.) Are you ready to rumble in a needlessly violent fashion at Wrigley Field? (Yes!) Did you need a reminder that the first game starts in like three hours, even though, you know, everyone is talking about it? Here’s this handy countdown that you really shouldn’t need if you have ever cared about baseball ever in your life! WOOOOO!

Of course, the Sun-Times is on the story too:

Do you dream, Chicago fans? Do you love? Do you go to bed at night, still stinking of the day’s toil, hoping for a future brighter than the present? Are you going to vote for Barack Obama? Then this baseball series is for you! Maybe some dude will punch some other dude, or something.

Of course, I kid. I’m actually pretty happy with all this coverage, because baseball is fun, I enjoy it immensely, and Sox-Cubs feels like an event to be witnessed. Those are always worth the pixels. It is unfortunate, though, in the midst of all this harmless fun and sheer joy, that the Sun-Times still lets Jay Mariotti write things like this. I think Kenny Williams is kind of a nitwit, too, but it seems impossible to me that Mariotti can get away with writing that it’s “low” for Williams to bring up the Cubs’ 100-year title drought. It’s not like Mariotti, you know, brings that up whenever possible. And yet, there it is:

How weird is that? How low is that, bringing up the 100-year plague? And how hypocritical is that, given his role in the ongoing civic grudge? For years, Williams has positioned himself as an executive who encourages Sox fans to hate the Cubs and, thus, has contributed mightily to dividing the city. Now, he chides Cubs fans because they “refused to enjoy” the World Series title won by the Sox in 2005? He wants Sox fans to resent the Cubs and Cubs fans to respect the Sox? And I thought Ozzie Guillen made no sense.

Sigh. This is going to be a circus.

Update: ESPN’s on the bandwagon now too, though I give them credit for leading with a particularly funny D.J. Gallo how-to for soulless bandwagon jumpers. Yay national attention. Yay.

Oh snap: Mike Downey pwns the Sun-Times

May 8th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

The Sun-Times is good at lots of things, but most of all, they’re good at bandwagoneerism. It helps to have Jay Mariotti on their roster, who windsocks with popular (and unpopular) opinion almost every single day. That helps.

But beyond Jay — when the slightest hint of buzz surrounds a topic, the Sun-Times is fantastic at absolutely beating it into the ground. Witness the contrived populist outrage surrounding Wrigley’s potential name change, something most reasonable people seem to be OK with, but something the Sun-Times seems intent on fighting with poetry.

This week’s White Sox blow-up doll blow up is no different. Most people have moved on, firm in the knowledge that baseball people are just as stupid and insensitive as one would assume. Nothing more, nothing less. But the Sun-Times needs to keep pickups high! They need this! Don’t you take this away from them!

The final word instead goes to Mike Downey, who absolutely excoriated, or pwned (whichever you prefer) the Sun-Times for its own women issues:

• Naked Dancers: Peep Show, $20 for 1/2 Hour”

• X-Treme Body Massages with ‘Hotties’ ”

• Hot, Wild, Fun—Blonde or Brunette?”

— Ads that ran in Wednesday’s sports section of the Chicago Sun-Times. Awwww, isn’t it sweet of the Sun-Times to go to bat against Ozzie Guillen’s bad language and the sexism of the White Sox? Gloria Steinem must be the new editor over there. I mean, isn’t it great to see the Sun-Times scolding the White Sox this way for offending women? You know, while the paper runs sex-club ads and sexy photos of non-athletes in the sports section? […] Bravo to the Bright One for making sure no one out there is offended by sex or dirty talk.

Downey’s logic eventually tapers off — he criticizes the Sun-Times for publishing the blow-up doll story as if the story itself is another example of crude content — but he’s absolutely, 100 percent right. More importantly, he’s criticizing the crosstown newspaper, and open newspaper feuds in Chicago are freaking awesome. They’re sort of like blog feuds, except even lamer. And that’s really fucking lame.

Welcome to the Jay Mariotti mailbox

March 31st, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

The Tribune and Sun-Times like to have their fair share of spats, most of which revolve around one of two things: Whether or not the Sun-Times is in fact dying (if the quality of its broadsheet is any indication, the answer is a wholehearted “yes”), and whether or not Jay Mariotti is indeed the spawn of the devil.

What’s funniest about the latter is that Mariotti is, in fact, quite bad at his job, though that’s only if you value insight and analysis and an interesting read. If you value controversy and papers sold — as a struggling paper like the Sun-Times might — then Mariotti is one of the best in the country at bringing it nearly every single day. It’s dishonest and silly, but it moves papers. Also, the Trib shouldn’t throw stones: They give Mike Downey ink twice a week, and even the Trib’s good columnists aren’t above the occasional dopey pander.

Still, this is hilarious: The Tribune has opened up the Jay Mariotti mailbox, a not-at-all-subtle jab at the Sun-Times‘ recent decision to outlaw reader feedback on Mariotti’s columns. (That way, no one can challenge Jay’s authoritah!) Readers can put whatever comments they’d rather have put under Mariotti’s byline on the Tribune’s site, and can thus have their feelings made known to the world. Little do they know, they’re only making Jay more famous. Whoops!

The Tribune’s site looks to be flooded with comments, which is no surprise. The real surprise is that an intern agreed to this. Poor bastard.

This weather is making me seasonally deprizzled

March 20th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

This isn’t even a sports headline, but since I picked on the Stimes the other day, it’s only fair I point this Trib headline out:

Yes, that’s snizzle. As in snow and drizzle. Or, as in “I just ripped a bowl and this doppler is geeking me out. Let’s inexplicably listen to some Snoop Dogg.”

In other news, these afternoon games are destroying my spirit. Marquette is finally pulling away from Kentucky, Pittsburgh’s putting it on Oral Roberts, and Baylor is simultaneously ruining my bracket and making Purdue look primed for an Elite Eight run. It’s a good thing there are like 8000 million more games later today and tomorrow. God, this tournament rules.