PostmanR’s official welcome to Rich Harden

July 10th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

PostmanR is such a huge Cubs fan, and was so excited by the Rich Harden trade, he just had to create this fan video*. Coincidentally, this is his favorite song.

“Say hello to Rich Harden and his incredible pitching … and Chad Gaudin.”

Beautiful.

*Not really. This was created by “FamilyGuyFan64,” which explains so much.

Can somebody please tell me what these two were doing at Wrigley Field last night?

June 26th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

On the right: I have an opinion on sports that is both manly and ill-considered. I played sports. Ergo: I know sports.

On the left: I am an erudite little guy who mines self-flagellation for humor. I occasionally say smart things. My SportsCenter broadcasts always somehow take on the air of assassination coverage.

Together: We were born to host a hit syndicated morning radio show. Also: to throw the first pitch at Wrigley! Huh?

Listen, Cubs marketing people. I know. I feel your pain. You’ve got 81 home games this year, and Ernie Banks can’t throw out the first pitch at all of them. You improvise. You find celebrities. Etc. It can’t be easy.

But how much sense does it make to have ESPN talk-show personalities be the center of your promotional package? For the Cubs, it’s just sort of stupid. For ESPN, it seems like the kind of too-tight business relationship they’re often criticized for maintaining. In the broadest possible sense of the term, Mike and Mike are journalists. Singing the seventh inning stretch and screaming “let’s get some runs” is like the least journalisty thing you could do. Besides, like, being Jayson Blair. That might be worse.

Negligible emo-pop invades Wrigley Field

June 23rd, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

The White Sox and their fans weren’t the only sketchy things invading Wrigley Field this weekend — White Sox joke! oh snap! — Fall Out boy frontman and ubiquitous CTA billboard-dweller Pete Wentz was there, too. He threw out the first pitch and sang the seventh-inning stretch and was in general kind of annoying:

That video didn’t have Wentz’s best moment. In the bottom of the seventh, Jason Marquis reached base on a weak single, only to slightly turn toward second base and be tagged out by A.J. Pierzynski. Wentz’s confused questioning of Bob Brenly was classic: “What, so can he like not even turn that little bit? Really?” Because OMG, sports are so not scene. Know the rules? Whatever dude.

OMG CUBS-SOX OMG

June 20th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s probably because I’m a dirty (now flooded) Iowa native that I don’t have much appreciation for Cubs-White Sox. I mean, I get that the series itself is kind of a big deal — anytime regionally relevant opponents square off, rivalry ensues — but excuse me for not thinking it’s the biggest deal in the world. Everyone else, apparently, disagrees:

The Chicago Tribune would like to ask the important question of our day: Why are baseball fans/Chicagoans/fat people so fat? Hey, look at that fat guy! Also: Is this the golden age of Chicago sports? (No.) Are you ready to rumble in a needlessly violent fashion at Wrigley Field? (Yes!) Did you need a reminder that the first game starts in like three hours, even though, you know, everyone is talking about it? Here’s this handy countdown that you really shouldn’t need if you have ever cared about baseball ever in your life! WOOOOO!

Of course, the Sun-Times is on the story too:

Do you dream, Chicago fans? Do you love? Do you go to bed at night, still stinking of the day’s toil, hoping for a future brighter than the present? Are you going to vote for Barack Obama? Then this baseball series is for you! Maybe some dude will punch some other dude, or something.

Of course, I kid. I’m actually pretty happy with all this coverage, because baseball is fun, I enjoy it immensely, and Sox-Cubs feels like an event to be witnessed. Those are always worth the pixels. It is unfortunate, though, in the midst of all this harmless fun and sheer joy, that the Sun-Times still lets Jay Mariotti write things like this. I think Kenny Williams is kind of a nitwit, too, but it seems impossible to me that Mariotti can get away with writing that it’s “low” for Williams to bring up the Cubs’ 100-year title drought. It’s not like Mariotti, you know, brings that up whenever possible. And yet, there it is:

How weird is that? How low is that, bringing up the 100-year plague? And how hypocritical is that, given his role in the ongoing civic grudge? For years, Williams has positioned himself as an executive who encourages Sox fans to hate the Cubs and, thus, has contributed mightily to dividing the city. Now, he chides Cubs fans because they “refused to enjoy” the World Series title won by the Sox in 2005? He wants Sox fans to resent the Cubs and Cubs fans to respect the Sox? And I thought Ozzie Guillen made no sense.

Sigh. This is going to be a circus.

Update: ESPN’s on the bandwagon now too, though I give them credit for leading with a particularly funny D.J. Gallo how-to for soulless bandwagon jumpers. Yay national attention. Yay.

Kenny Williams gets you ready for the MOST IMPORTANT SERIES OF OUR TIME

June 19th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Kenny Williams has pulled no punches this morning. Why, he’s provoking Cubs fans! And I’m responding! On two blogs!

”It is so different,” Williams said. ”You might as well build a border, a Great Wall of China on Madison, because we are so different. We might as well be in two different cities ”The unfortunate thing for me is it’s a shame that a certain segment of Chicago refused to enjoy a baseball championship being brought to their city. The only thing I can say is, ‘Happy anniversary.”Early in his career as GM, talks of budget constraints would creep up. So hours before the Sox played the Pittsburgh Pirates, Williams was asked — if the opportunity presented itself — if he could imagine ever being GM of the deep-pocketed, throw-money-at-every-hole Cubs.

”That would be a betrayal,” Williams said before a long pause. ”God, I would really, really have to need the job. Oh, wow, really need the job.’ ”Let me just throw out one question: What happens if we win another one before they win one?” he said.

First, kudos to Sun-Times reporter Joe Cowley for labeling the Cubs as “throw money at every hole,” when the White Sox’s 2008 payroll just slightly exceeds the Cubs’. Whoops!

Second, Kenny, if the White Sox win another title, congratulations. I imagine it will be just as sweet as the first. Your fans will be pleased. In the meantime, keep draining that farm system and hiring shady scouts to sell you bogus prospects. Whoops again!

Third, if we are to follow Kenny’s logic, surely he’ll be rooting for the Cubs to win a World Series this year. You know, just to enjoy it? Somehow, I doubt that.

What I didn’t write at FanHouse is this: Kenny and Ozzie know their fan base. Without making any crude generalizations about White Sox fans — many of whom are informed, bright people whom I would like to hug with both arms — Sox fans occasionally like to bemoan their second-rate status in Chicago. Williams and Guillen know just how to rile up their base. They’re the Karl Rove of baseball management. If White Sox fans really want to buy into this — that they’re owed some sort of extra due from Cubs fans — that’s fine. The smart ones won’t do it. I hope.

In the meantime, the CROSSTOWN SERIES is set to be the MOST IMPORTANT OF OUR LIVES. Did you hear both teams are in first place? And that they’ll … still probably in first place no matter what happens? FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!?!

Ozzie Guillen knows Lou Piniella can eat him under the table

June 18th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

What has it been … a solid week since Ozzie Guillen has given us a quote to blog about? I mean geez: I can’t just go out and create this stuff, Mr. Guillen. You need to be swearing and joking and talking like a madman on a daily basis so I have something to blog about. Heaven forbid I actually have to dig deep and search for something of worth.

Wait, what’s that you say?

”Lou Piniella does two things better than me,” Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said before Tuesday night’s game against Pittsburgh. ”Managing and eating.”

[ … ]

”It took them three weeks to find a [body] double for Piniella,” Guillen said. ”For mine, you just go to a model agency.”

This reminds me of a few summers ago, when Subway ran a promotion around the Cubs-Sox series in which Piniella and Guillen had their own sandwiches you could get. I think they should have an eat-off with these before the first inning Friday.

I give Guillen a fighter’s chance. I think the bread will start to weigh Piniella down after some time.

UPDATE: Ziggy– a smart, handsome commenter with a better memory than me — points out the Subway deal was actually with Dusty Baker and Ozzie. Which, in turn, works the same if not better. (They are both portly.) Yeah for my errors working out in the end.

Here comes the flood

June 9th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s June. It’s baseball season. The Sox and Cubs, each the product of their own demented universes, are playing extremely good baseball. This means one thing: Lame national attention time!

Oh my God! Did you know Chicago “does weird” better than anyone in the country? I don’t know what that means, but you can bet it’s going to lead to a tremendously confusing Wojo column, in which he lists the reasons why Chicago is the most compelling sports city in the U.S. Seems like a flimsy premise, doesn’t it? It is!

Or, what’s this: An argument about a topic that pretty much everyone, even White Sox fans, would agree is not that much of an argument? Let’s have at it! (Oh, and it’s the Cubs. Come on.)

Finally, let’s roll some footage. How about John Kruk on how Ozzie’s rant magically energized the White Sox clubhouse, just in time for them to restore their 2005 awesomeness. It was the rant, of course, and not the fact that they’re hitting better and scoring more runs. It’s Ozzieball! Totally!

Everyone who had June 9 in the “When will ESPN realize both Chicago teams are good?” pool, please collect your winnings in human resources. Thank you.

Moises Alou never really cleared Bartman’s name

June 3rd, 2008 | Posted by PostmanR

You may remember a few month’s back when it was reported that everyone’s favorite urinator, Moises Alou, had finally cleared Steve Bartman’s name. You know, he wouldn’t have caught the ball anyways, all is forgiven etc. etc. Well, turns out that might not be so true after all. Mike Downey digs deep for the Chicago Tribune today and finds the real story. Apparently, Alou was just joking around with the AP reporter who penned the piece.

To wit:

In an actual interview a few days ago with Joe Carpozzi of the Palm Beach (Fla.) Post, the 41-year-old ex-Cub insists he would indeed have caught that infamous Oct. 14, 2003, foul ball at Wrigley Field had a fan not interfered with it.

Exactly as he has been saying all along.

[ … ]

A conversation thus having been struck up, Alou, according to Litke, said this: “Everywhere I play, even now, people still yell ‘Bartman! Bartman!’ I feel really bad for the kid.”

Followed by: “You know what the funny thing is? I wouldn’t have caught it anyway.”

Litke’s other son then told Alou: “Sure you would have.”

And that was that.

So why did the AP writer do a story on it? Why make such a big deal out of it?

He didn’t.

Months passed. Litke did not write a word about it. It was a funny moment on a Manhattan elevator with Alou, who now plays for the Mets, and no more. He and his boys got a laugh or two out of it, end of story.

But then on March 31 of this year, Litke wrote a long essay on 100 years of Cubs bad luck. It ran in USA Today and scores of other publications.

In the 29th paragraph—repeat, 29 paragraphs into the piece—Litke recounted the elevator anecdote. It was not the focus of his story by any means. It wasn’t in the headline AP put on it. It wasn’t presented as any kind of revelation or Alou admission.

But others picked it up and ran with it.

TV shows, radio hosts, etc., raked Alou over the coals. I caught countless references in the media as if the player had finally come forward to change his tune.

So yes: turns out Alou still thinks he would have caught the ball. Hooray for investigatory journalism. (Really, it would have been close, but I give the edge to Alou. It wasn’t like he had no chance.)

But anyways, have you guys heard the one about the Cubs having the best record in baseball? Or peeling off eight straight wins? Yeah, me either.

Yes, Cubs vendors are still racist

May 29th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Memorial Day weekend. Sun. Fun. Cubs atmosphere. Old Style. A little batting practice at Sluggers’. And, of course, a discussion on race with a dumbass t-shirt vendor (via TSB).

I already wrote about this at FanHouse, but for the fifty of you reading today who might also be Cubs fans, let me reprise. (Actually, maybe it’s more; we are worth a million dollars in pretend internet money.) If you buy a “Horry Kow” t-shirt, you are scum of the Earth. Why? Because you are doing any of the three following things:

1. Exhibiting a stunning lack of personal inhibition about offensive stereotypes.
2. Putting money in retards’ pockets.
3. Playing in to every bad name Cubs fans get called, which, I’m starting to believe, we deserve.
4. Being a dumb fucktard.

So don’t buy one. The shirt salesmen won’t sell them if there’s no market. Like the drug war, it’s time to focus on demand-side prevention. Capiche? Actually, you know what? Take the 20 bucks you’d pay for one of these shirts, and buy a sack of bud. I’d rather your money went to drug dealers.

This is fucking rich

May 15th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Know what amuses me about Cubdom? If Jim Edmonds rips a game-winning home run today, 40,000 fans will develop instant amnesia about why they hate him. They’ll jump, scream, dance, bow, shimmy, do the Soulja Boy thing, demand a curtain call, scream louder when he doffs his blue cap, sing “Go Cubs Go” and vanish merrily into a Wrigleyville afternoon while reminding their friends, “Dude, I told you Edmonds was a good pickup.”

Jay Mariotti, everyone. Who never waffles on anything, ever. Ever.

For the record, Jay also supports the Edmonds signing. So in two weeks, when Edmonds doesn’t hit and doesn’t field and generally stinks up the place, will Jay … reverse his opinion? But that’s what he loves about Cubs fans!

Fuck. Ing. Douche.