Oh, so that’s why you sucked

January 4th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

Phew. I was so worried. Here all along, I thought Rex Grossman just didn’t have the talent or fortitude to put it together week after week. Boy was I wrong.

”In this league, especially at this position, you have to bring it every single week, no matter what. And the situation was I felt like I was going to play about a half, and it was the last game, it was New Year’s Eve — there were so many other factors that brought my focus away from what is actually important, and that’s something that I am never going to do again. There is too much I am responsible for to not give it 100 percent during the week and just the full attention. It’s another lesson.”

See everyone, nothing to worry about. He just didn’t try hard because golly, it was NEW YEAR’S FUCKING EVE. How could you ever expect him to give his all on Dec. 31?

If one of the Bear playoff games lands on Martin Luther King Jr. day in middle to late January here, Chicago is soooo screwed.

(Aside: Sorry, I just had to go off a bit there. And I’m not at all worried about the playoffs. The Bears will be just fine? Won’t they? *tear*)

Case of the Mondays: Nursing your alcoholic wounds

January 2nd, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

Welcome to 2007, friends.

Hopefully, your booze-induced hangover has fully departed your system, ensuring you a fresh approach to the new year. If not, then dude, let’s hang out this weekend. Give me a call, OK?

You may or may not have noticed, amid the throng of patrons at the 100-dollar-a-head bar you were at Sunday night, but Rex Grossman reverted back to Mr. Turnover while Brett Favre shined.

I’d give you a myriad of reasons as to why, despite Chicago’s rather quality record, the Bears are probably destined for another playoff disappointment. But frankly, I can’t stomach it at the moment.

Instead, here’s Brett Favre getting rather emotional in his post-game interview with Andrea Kramer. Will he or won’t he retire?!?!! The suspense is kiiiilling me.

Hey you. Yes you. The guy who thought Michigan deserved another shot at Ohio State. I agreed with you for the most part. However, it looks like we were somewhat foolish in our choice of logic, as USC took over in the second half and downed the Wolverines in the Rose Bowl.

Our friend Bob Knight tallied career win No. 880 yesterday. If you happened to catch the post-game festivities, you would have seen a love fest between the General and Dick Vitale. So sexy.

I’ll leave you with Peter Schrager’s bold and not-so-bold 2007 sports predictions. He even got help from some bloggers!

Here’s one of my favorite ones from the lot:

Gilbert Arenas does something really, really weird — prompting bloggers the world over to write about it.

The man knows those of our ilk far too well. Good play, my friend. Good play.

Case of the Mondays : PostmanR’s cornucopia of feelings

December 18th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

The National Football League :

Wrap your head around that Chicago Bear near meltdown. It’s hard to conceive. But hey, look at Mr. Grossman there. He’s all smiles. Career highs abound for him on the day. Defense and special teams let the Bucs get back in that one.

Jeff Garcia deserves some praise.

Collegiate Basketball :

Greg Oden is a freak. His wizardry around the hoop is simply stunning and once at full strength, it will simply be unfair. Like if Michael Jackson did a dance off against some dude with glowsticks. Simply unfair. (Did that make sense?)

Kentucky topples Louisville and I begin to wonder if the Cardinals are going to be a contender at all this year.

National Basketball Association:

George Karl should not have had Marcus Camby and Carmelo Anthony in the game so late. HOWEVA, that really is no excuse for this whole mess.

Observe.

Agent Zero dropped sixty on the Lakers in Los Angeles yesterday. Surely, to the pleasure of this Internet site.

Bulls continue to impress. Ben Wallace had 27 boards on Friday. Saturday, the overtime comeback win was stellar.

Um, so this was a pretty hodgepodge post. I spent hour upon hour re-working/designing the site into the wee hours of the night last night, so bear with me on the brevity. I’ll be back later with an informative post about the new design as well as some other treats. And we all love treats, no?

Gregg Doyel can actually make me argue against one of my favorite players

December 14th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Gregg Doyel has always been something of a mystery to me. There’s no question he’s a good writer; he (probably) wouldn’t be working for CBS Sportsline were he not.

But where Doyel could use the mighty powers of his position, and the Internet, for good, he instead uses them to kind of be an asshole to people in his mailbags. Honestly, it’s funny, but it’s also a dick move, and it would be a lot easier to respect the guy were he not so seemingly fond of the negative attention.

Oh, and sometimes he writes things like this.

The MVP strikes like lightning, but he’s no Bolt

He already owns the NFL’s single-season touchdown record, and has three games left to put it beyond mortal reach. His team has the best record in football, and he is the biggest reason. He is the league’s Most Valuable Player.

Phew. For a second there, your headline confused me. I thought you were going somewhere else than LaDainian Tomlinson on this one. Fortunately, that’s beyond normal reason, and you’re not unreasonable, are you Gregg?

His name is not LaDainian Tomlinson.

Oh.

Sorry. This line of thinking probably comes as a shock. Every time you turn on a television or open a magazine, you are notified that San Diego’s Tomlinson is this season’s MVP. You are reminded of his record number of touchdowns from scrimmage — 29 and counting — and told that he is the MVP as if this is gospel, something to be argued only by an idiot.

I’ll be your idiot.

You said it, not me. But seriously, is it really so renegade to suggest that Tomlinson might not be the most deserving, despite his otherworldly statistics? After all, the most prominent football writer in the country, Peter King, has steadfastly pimped Drew Brees for the award, not only for his crazy statistics, but for the impact he has had on a ravaged area of the country still recovering from a debilitating disaster (whether or not the main victims of the disaster have actually had a chance to, you know, get tickets in the Dome). I mean, if Peter King is going the other way on Tomlinson, there’s wiggle room here, provided the player can at least top Brees’ accomplishments, or, at the very least, there’s a shred of intelligence in the argument for said player. (WEEKEND UPDATE: Bill Simmons, the nation’s most prominent sportswriter, period, is also a Drew Brees proponent. So there’s the two most prominent sportswriters in the country saying the MVP doesn’t belong to Tomlinson, Gregg. Ugh.)

Because Devin Hester is your MVP.

Ha, oh, tell me this is a joke man. I love Devin Hester, but come on. Really? Devin Hester? Go on.

With an NFL-record six returns for touchdowns this season, Hester’s also your Rookie of the Year — but let’s not minimize his value to the Chicago Bears or his impact on this 2006 season by pigeon-holing him into the most conventional award possible.

A rookie can be the MVP. It’s allowed. Not that we need a precedent, but if it’ll make you feel better, fine. Here are your precedents: Rookie MVPs happened in the NBA with Wilt Chamberlain (1960) and Wes Unseld (’69), in baseball with Fred Lynn (’75) and Ichiro Suzuki (2001), and in the NFL with Earl Campbell (1978).

And it should happen this season with Devin Hester.

Hester won’t win because of his rookie status and his specialized role — although Redskins kicker Mark Moseley was MVP in 1982 — and because of Tomlinson, who is on pace to run for 1,780 yards, catch 64 passes and score 36 touchdowns. The Chargers (11-2) have the best record in the AFC. Tomlinson is a strong, strong candidate for MVP.

But to eliminate Hester, to consider the matter closed without even hearing his side, is the very thing you’d expect from the sports media. One or two sportswriters can be brilliant. A group of them, voting en masse? Lemmings. Show them a cliff, give them LaDainian Tomlinson, and watch them race each other to the rocks below.

As if your original sentence didn’t stress the fact enough, yes, Gregg, we get that you consider yourself different from your colleagues. You’re no lemming; you’re a renegade take-no-prisoners bad ass … guy that writes about sports. How very brave of you. Devin Hester.

But seriously … Devin Hester?

CONTINUE READING THIS POST –>

A plea from a friend, Mr. Grossman

December 11th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

Hi Rex. It’s me, PostmanR. You’ve come under fire the last few weeks. Low QB ratings. Heaving the ball downfield into double and triple coverage. It pains me to see everyone hating on you.

Remember the beginning of the season? You were great. You gave Chicago hope. Finally, a quarterback with skill to work in congruence with the stellar defense. What happened?

I don’t want to see Brian Griese play tonight against the Rams. I hear he’s getting more snaps in practice. I want my sexy Rexy back.

And Rex, let’s tell Ron Turner to start out a bit more conservative tonight. You’ll build up some confidence. Then you can air it out.

Another poor performance and you’ll be marginally better than Kyle Orton last season. That’s a fate I don’t wish upon my worst enemy.

Love and kisses-

PostmanR

Rex Grossman will take your mother, Dorothy Sharper, out for a nice seafood dinner … and never call her again!

November 30th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Oh Rex. You look so innocent out there. That pasty Bloomington baby-face, the one that so casually turns the ball over, seemingly without a care in the world. You are innocence personified, like a happy little child.

But little children shouldn’t use dirty words, Rex. For shame. From the Chicago Tribune:

With as much sincerity as he could muster with a straight face, Rex Grossman apologized Wednesday to Vikings safety Darren Sharper for “X-rated” comments Sharper claimed the Bears quarterback made to him after he had thrown a go-ahead touchdown pass in September….By labeling Grossman the worst trash-talking quarterback he has heard in 10 years in the NFL, Sharper quickly changed the subject around Halas Hall from Grossman’s vulnerability to his vocabulary.

Whoa. The worst trash-talking quarterback Darren Sharper has ever heard? Are quarterbacks traditionally mild-mannered? Is this some sort of tallest midget award? Am I missing something here?

Apparently Sharper has never played Kurt Warner. Because I heard that dude gets straight biblical with his on-field flo:

“Your mother is a very nice woman, Darren, though I wish she came to church more often. We missed her last Sunday! … What’s that? Oh, wow. I mean, wow. That was really - that was really inappropriate. Wow. You’ve gone and hurt my feelings. …

You know what Darren? Forget you, OK!!! Just - forget you!!! Gosh darnit!!!

Oh jeez, I’ve gotten myself all worked up again and used profanity. Darren, I apologize. No, no, I was out of line. Let me take care of this - Brenda, honey, get me some holy water. We’re going to need an emergency consecration here.“

Case of the Mondays: Bears, Bears, Bears

November 13th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Bears…phew

How about the Cardiac Bears? The Chi-town Stroke-Inducers? The team that either dominates or barely wins after a sustained period of seeming collapse?

None too catchy, I suppose.

We need to start brainstorming a name. Granted, last night’s 38-20 win wasn’t necessarily heart attack-worthy, but it did cause yours truly - and surely, a legion of Bears fans - to wonder why every year so much potential was squandered with relative mediocrity.

But, alas, the Bears pulled out a win, thanks to Devin Hester’s trickery and a resurgent second half offense. And do the Bears have a name for the 108 yard kickoff return play? Because, like us for them, they need a name for it.

NBA:

The Rockets - thanks to Yao’s surge (finally) - took down the Heat. Essential carbon copies of each other, perhaps the Rockets are the new blood. The Heat certainly look sluggish … old even.

Awkward. That’s the best way to describe Vince Carter’s overtime-forcing three that just sort of, um, fell in to the hoop last night. His quote, on whether the old ball would have gone in:

“If it would’ve hit like that? Heck no. No way.”

Well, that settles that. Thanks David Stern!

College Football

Check out that dateline. Stewart was in town this week! Anyway, he witnessed a Michigan beatdown that effectively set up Saturday’s OSU-UMICH Footballgasm. Until then, we can talk about the BCS, a strange beast if ever there was one.

Say peace to: Texas, California, Auburn, and any chance Tennessee had, which wasn’t much of a chance at all. Will it be Rutgers, or Arkansas, or someone else taking that Big Ten title game winner? Only time will tell.

Case of the Mondays: Just watch this video, please

October 30th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

Our Bears won this weekend. Dominated, in fact. Indy played themselves a nice little game in defeating the Broncos at Mile High.

Yeah for them.

This video, dear reader, is far more important. Some dudes set up a Rube Goldberg contraption in their office and worked on it from 11 p.m. to 5:30 a.m. At the end, it knocks down some bowling pins.

When you think about all the dumb things you’ve spent way too much time on in your life, just think of two dudes in an office at 3 a.m. gleefully setting up the office fan at just an angle to keep the train moving.

You just may feel better about yourself.

I can’t take this

October 16th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

My heart really can’t do it. My throat is shot; my head is throbbing; my chest is pounding arhythmically.

I consider myself a pretty healthy guy. But I can’t take this.

Somewhere between the slamming on the table in front of me, the shouting at Rex Grossman, the silent resignation … and then the sudden pouncing jubilation, the kind rare and powerful enough to induce roommates to jump around in their living room, hugging each other violently, dropping to their knees with their heads in their hands … somewhere in there, you realize the power all this has over you and that it might not be healthy or normal in any way.

A midseason game, a regular Monday Night contest against an average team with a rookie quarterback, somehow felt like a playoff win. It somehow felt like a comeback win over the Packers. The newfound expectation of success - it does terrible things to a fan.

Anyway, three big points from the game, if you made it down here:

1. Brian Urlacher can take control of a football game whenever he wants. Granted, the Cardinals refused to block him in the second half. Whatever. He flew around, made every play, had a possessed glare that is ususally reserved for nostalgic ideas of players of old. When I’m 50, Urlacher is the player I’ll be telling my kids about. That was made official Monday.
2. Matt Leinart is pretty good, too. Not great yet, of course; that hit he took on the backside, though not his fault, could have been prevented with a little more pocket awareness, but still. Leinart guided a good offense over a great defense for most of his first primetime appearance, and barely lost. You’d feel terrible for him, if he wasn’t so smarmy. The rest of the Cardinals? Feel bad. Real bad.
3. The Bears might have a long way to go before they’re the “team of destiny.” As a matter of fact, as miraculous and mythical as this win was, the Bears showed the entire country they’re still weak in the secondary, have what is essentially a rookie quarterback at the helm and are prone to huge mental and emotional lapses.

All of that considered, the Bears are 6-0, a needed bye week is on tap and everyone can settle and remember they haven’t won anything yet. Except the craziest, most emotionally affecting game I’ve seen since Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS.

I don’t want to get into that conversation. My chest and heart are already fucked; I fear my lower portions may go next.

(As you might be able to tell, I’m a Bears fan, but upon re-reading this thing, it occurs to me I don’t exactly seem sympathetic to the Cardinals. Trust me, I am. I feel genuinely terrible for the team, Denny Green - his post-game presser just about summed it up - and especially their fans. No one deserves this sort of thing. Not in Week 6. Not ever.)

We don’t quite imagine Lovie Smith dropping to this level…

September 18th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

With the Bears’ victory against the Lions yesterday still running through our veins, we are reminded of the last time when, well, a Bear QB actually played like a professional quarterback and the defense straight up rolled on the opposition.

It was a time when Mike Ditka ruled the land and rapped with the Grabowskis. You know, the Grabowskis! Those blue collar workers that very much embodied the spirit of those Bear teams!

(P.S. Sorry to get all Chicago on you today. It just seeps through sometimes, apologies. Also, the rapping doesn’t start until after the doll commercial. Again, sorry. And one last note: This looks like it was filmed a few years removed from the ‘85 season. No matter, really.)