Chicago meatheads rejoice: Tom Zbikowski visits Bears

April 14th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Oh no.

I’ve never met an intelligent Notre Dame fan that liked Tom Zbikowski. I’ve never met a dumb one that didn’t absolutely love him. Put these two things together, and you’ve got a recipe for Chicago meatheadedness to rival only that of people who still want Aaron Rowand back in Chicago.

He’s got the passion! He plays with fire! He’s blue-collar, even though he’s a millionaire and plays a child’s game! Ryan Theriot! It has nothing to do with their skin color! AHHHHHHHHH!

/head explodes

Robbie Gould, tequila, Cabo, but sadly, no US Weekly

April 7th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s by now the hoariest of football cliches: Kickers have a tough life. Their job is all expectation and no payoff. Anyone with even a passing interest in sports knows this.

Coincidentally, anyone with even a passing interest in the sport also knows that Matt Leinart, Tom Brady, and Tony Romo get just as much pub for their off-field exploits — dating models, impregnating unsuspecting movie stars, feeding beer bongs to underage girls — as they do for their play on Sundays. But wither Robbie Gould?

The day after the pub crawl, Gould could barely hide his hangover. McKie ribbed him, noting that Gould “lost a 12-round bout with tequila last night.”

The ribbing continued, with one fan teasing Gould about his pasty white body.

“When you’re underneath the canopy to the swim-up bar, you can’t get much sun,” Gould said in his own defense.

I, frankly, am outraged. When will our professional kickers realize that they are models of behavior for our children? When will they learn that getting bombed on tequila sets a much, much worse example than Daddy occasionally having a nightcap or six before he goes to bed? Daddy has a stressful day at work. Mommy makes Daddy’s head hurt. Daddy thinks Mommy is cheating on Daddy.

What? Sorry. I don’t know what happened there. What I meant to say is that Robbie Gould is destroying the very fabric of our society. Why does he hate America? And if you disagree with me, why are you such a terrorist?

{HT: Busted Coverage}

Farewell, Muhsin Muhammed

February 18th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

In the latest in our ongoing series of saying farewell to ineffective Chicago sports personalities (see here for a teary Veektor goodbye), today we bid adieu to Muhsin Muhammed. The Bears have released Moose, saying goodbye to his atrocious contract and veteran stature and sustained lack of offensive production.

It’s not entirely Muhammed’s fault that he never cracked 900 yards receiving in a single season. He was, after all, part of a bad offensive unit throughout his tenure on the Bears. But Muhammed’s lack of speed, occasional hands problems, and overall bleh-ness also contributed to that to lack of success.

So today, we say farewell, Moose. May the wind always be at your back — literally. You’re going to need it; those cornerbacks aren’t getting any slower, you know?

You too can own a commemorative Wild Card shirt

January 4th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

I’ll own up to an embarrassing bit of trivia: I do, in fact, own a Chicago Bears 2007 NFC Conference Champions shirt. I wanted it at the time, I was excited for it … but now, without that Super Bowl in tow (and let’s just face it, that Super Bowl was never gonna happen), I can barely look at the conference shirt, let alone wear it. It’s been relegated, become one of those long sleeved t-shirts you never wear outside of the house without a different t-shirt above it. It’s a strictly chill-mode t-shirt now. If that.

But the Redskins are taking this sordid phenomenon to new heights. I thought my conference shirt was bad; the Redskins are officially  — get this — selling 2007 Wild Card t-shirts. That’s right: Wild Card. It’s the perfect mix of desperation (as the hat tip-worthy Mr. Irrelevant notes) and the drastic lowering of the bar for NFL success. With the exception of one team, National Football League is already a wide-open crapshoot; any team can make the playoffs with a few breaks here and there. You’re telling me you want to openly celebrate the fact that your team was barely — barely — above mediocre? That you survived the limp-dick NFC on your way to Wild Card glory? That Todd Collins is your one great hope?

Jamie at Mr. I lays down the law: These are not to be purchased. Skins fans, now is the time to prove your mettle. There’s a whole world of things you can buy for $17.99. Buy the first season of “The Office.” Take a friend to see There Will be Blood. Have a nice, well-balanced meal. Just don’t, for the love of God, buy these shirts. You hold humanity in your clammy, bulbous hands, Skins fans. Make the right choice.

FOX hates Bears, America

September 10th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Sunday’s Bears game was bad enough for the season opening loss and the likely game-ending injury to safety Mike Brown — whose impassioned post-game interview brought the dust into my apartment, I’m not afraid to say — but not only that, it turns out a key turning point was caused by … FOX?

According to Mike Scifres, his short third-quarter punt that set up the Chargers’ go-ahead touchdown might have glanced off a wire on which a TV camera hovers above the field. The punt hit an unsuspecting Chicago blocker (Brandon McGowan) and was recovered by the Chargers’ Matt Wilhelm at the Bears’ 29-yard line.

Scifres said he wasn’t sure if the punt hit the wire, but a Chargers official watching the game from the field confirmed it did. Nate Kaeding’s first kickoff of the day also hit the wire.

“The rotation the ball had when it left my foot – when it came down it was spinning the other way,” Scifres said. “So I don’t know if it hit the cable or what, but either way it came out good for us. It was one of those freak things.”

I would whine here if I wasn’t constantly bitching about not having enough top-down, behind the play shots, the kind that actually let you see the whole field, in place of the standard side view. Can’t have one without the other, I suppose.

So I’ll grant that this is the nature of the game, sure, but I’m still confused at what, exactly, Rupert Murdoch has against Bears fans. We love freedom, promise! Anyone have any ideas?

(HT: Sergeant T-Forn’s Lonely Foul Balls Band. He’d like to take you home with him; he’d love to take you home.)

G-reg is ready to rock this b

April 30th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Both R and I were mildly intrigued, and pleased, by the Bears’ first round pick on Saturday. His name his Greg Olsen, a tight end from Miami who is one of those more-like-a-wide-receiver types, from what we hear. I am a fan of those sorts of tight ends, assuming they’re used properly and aren’t expected to block for Cedric Benson, who will likely need as much help as possible to get free of the line of scrimmage next year.

But there’s a whole ‘nother reason I’m hopping on the Greg Olsen bandwagon: he’s part of the 7th Floor Crew! From Tremendous Upside Potential:

“(Whats your name?) G-Reg. (What you do?) Get head. (How you do it?) Drop my drawers, let her see my third leg. Chillin’ on the 7th floor, I gotta let these chickens know Big Greg is in the house, and I’m gonna to make these hoes choke. On my balls, on my dick then I bust a nut quick. On her face, on her chest, stick my dick between her breasts. Come on fellas, let’s get weird. Stick your dick up in her ear. While I’m laughin at these guys, a second nut all in her eyes. (Wait a minute…in her eyes?) In her eyes.”

You know what G-reg? We’re think you’re gonna get along with the Sex Cannon just fine, man. Just fine.

This is too easy

February 13th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

You know what’s great? Those wacky news stories. Man humps donkey. Donkey humps man. A tiger escapes from the zoo and eats your newborn. But, this might be the best one EVER.

The last thing Lorraine Grossman expected to see as she gazed out the kitchen window of her daughter’s home was a 211-pound bear.

“I was making a pot of coffee, and I turned around and there he was in the window looking at me,” said Grossman. “For a minute I didn’t realize there was a glass between him and me.”

The scream Grossman let out was loud enough to startle the wandering bear, who turned tail and scurried some 40 feet up a tree.

More than 50 neighbors gathered to watch and the beast soon grew tired. As the bear gave a lazy yawn, the crowd cooed loudly in appreciation.

“He’s really kind of cute,” Joanne Penaluna said.

The bear remained wedged in a web of branches until it was shot with a tranquilizer dart Sunday. The bear hung on for 10 minutes before dropping neatly into a taut net set up below.

The bear, a male estimated to be 2 or 3 years old, was released at a state wildlife-management area.

“It’s not something you get to see every day,” said Pete Samek, who hoisted his 5-year-old daughter, Lucy Rose, on his shoulders. “Bears falling out of trees.”

Yes, a lady with the last name Grossman got startled by a bear. She then scared it away with her shriek and the bear got caught in a tree. This is sort of like Rex Grossman’s relationship with his receivers. He’s scared, they’re scared, they run into the defense, get trapped in coverage and….interception!

HIIIII-OOOO!

Focus on the positives: Michael Jordan existed

February 5th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

I’m doing my best to prevent a meltdown here. Thankfully, I was directed to this video in TrueHoop’s Yinka Dare (the Youtube mix creator, not the deceased former NBA player) collection.

Sorry, Colts fans. You might have a Super Bowl now, but Jordan still twerked you in the Eastern Conference for a decade. I’m going to hang my hat on that one for a little bit here.

I’m starting to feel a little bit better.

As I sit idly by my laptop…

February 1st, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

With nothing much of substance matriculating throughout the blogosphere today, (except for this, of course) let me take this opportunity to comment on the above picture of Charles Tillman.

That face speaks for the nation, people. Bored. Waiting. For. This. Damn. Game. To. Start. Already. Ahhhhhhh!

Sidenote: The brilliant Dan Shanoff picked a Colts-Bears Super Bowl before the season started. Pretty baller pick, if you ask me. Although, he has the Colts winning. For shame, Dan. For shame.

(Update: the 6 p.m. SportsCenter had video of Tillman acting all apathetic to reporters. AWESOME.)

Some Super Bowl betting help for you suckers

February 1st, 2007 | Posted by PostmanR

Much has been made of the Billy Joel “just how long will he sing the National Anthem?” bet, which you can wager on over at the fine sports betting site, Bodog. You can also bet on about 1,000,000,000,000 other things for Sunday’s matchup over at Bodog.

Let’s dip into some, shall we?

Who will score more on Sunday: LeBron James or the Indianapolis Colts?

Well, LeBrizzle and the Cavs are hosting the Pistons at home Sunday. James is averaging 27.2 points a game. Eh, this one is TOUGH. Let’s go with LeBron here. Hopefully he drops over 30, because I see the Colts easily being able to score 27 or perhaps more on the Bears. OK, so maybe it would be better to go with the Colts then? Man, this betting stuff is hard.

Who will have more: James Blunt total Grammy wins or Peyton Manning total touchdown passes?

James Blunt is a douche. Plus, he’s British. BUT, Peyton Manning is a douche. And, he plays for the Colts. All that aside, I’d go with Peyton here. Yeah, Blunt is up for five grammys. HOWEVA, he has to go against Gnarles Barkley in the ‘record of the year’ category. No way he wins that one. So that like, totally means Peyton will get more TD passes than Blunt grammy awards. It’s science, people.

Who will have more on Sunday: Brian Urlacher solo tackles or Jason Kidd assists?

Definitely J. Kidd. He’s averaging almost nine dimes a game. Yes, Urlacher is quite the linebacker, but come on, I don’t see him racking up that many solo tackles. Racking up that many Miami women? Why yes, of course.

As far as the actual game line?

The Colts are seven point favorites. My head says take them to cover, my heart says Bears: 40 Colts: 0. So, yeah, um…wait, is that James Blunt playing outside my window? I must go investigate.