Cedric Benson looks incredibly happy

May 8th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

It was something of a hectic day in non-Chicago-blogging-related pursuits, so I didn’t get to this earlier, but it’s fantastic stuff: Cedric Benson, on his boat, just a few hours before the Lower Colorado River’s finest decided that was just about enough of that.

As Chris Mottram says, just look at that buzz. A little beer, a little Grey Goose-looking something, a little $175,000 boat, a mother, and hordes of sexy females. There’s absolutely no reason for the Lower Colorado River to bust this party up, except sheer spite, which, I hear, is like 50 percent of every cop’s job description. The other five percent? Power! MUAHAHAHA:

LCRA officials say they will not release any details about the Benson incident, beyond an arrest affidavit that was made public earlier this week, because Benson’s first court hearing is pending for May 19. But they deny police abused Benson or that he was singled out for special scrutiny.

“It’s routine to stop people on the water for safety checks,” said Krista Umscheid, an LCRA spokeswoman.

“It’s not based on anything in particular that people are doing. The officers are not required to have probable cause to do an inspection.”

Ah, yes, probable cause. Such a persistent little nuisance. Why, on thissa here Colorada Rivah, we don’t NEED no PROBABLE CAWSE to come up on yah boat, BOY!

What started off as a funny mental image of Cedric Benson furiously paddling to freedom has turned into a pretty fishy case of premeditated police malignance. And yeah, I just came up with “premeditated police malignance” off the top of my head, son. That’s that lawyerly shit. Yeah, I took the LSAT. No big deal.

Cedric Benson drowning his pain in actual body of water

May 4th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Poor Cedric Benson. First he gets ostracized for the Thomas Jones trade. Then, in what might be his only chance to be a legitimate NFL workhorse back, he runs like a nancy. Then Jerry Angelo drafts some unimpressive dude named Matt Forte, and openly admits that Benson was a disappointment. What’s a sullen, antisocial running back to do?

“Boating while intoxicated,” apparently:

Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested for boating while intoxicated and resisting arrest near Austin, Texas, according to KVUE television in Austin.
Both are Class B misdemeanors punishable by up to six months in jail or $2,000 fines. Authorities reportedly had to use pepper spray to subdue Benson before booking him.

Assuming this arrest took place on the whatever Austin-area body of water Benson was boating on, I would have loved to see the high-speed antics of a boat chase. Benson escapes, and leads police officers on a route that never acheives higher than five miles per hour. The mental imagery here is pretty priceless.