Horses are not like people, Vol. 84

May 5th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

I’ll be honest. I don’t know nearly enough about horseracing to create any sort of coherent argument against the sport at large. Like most other sports — and pretty much anything, I guess — I assume horseracing is filled both with people who do the right thing and with people who don’t, people willing to win at any costs and people who maintain a stricter code of ethics. I couldn’t argue otherwise.

But it does seem a little weird to me to somehow applaud the notion of a horse dying on the racetrack, as if that horse’s death is a sign of its courage. That’s how New York Times contributor Jane Smiley ended this informative column yesterday, and I have to admit I’m a little confused:

It is possible, though, that Eight Belles would have run herself to death on any surface. We all know people who cannot admit defeat, and horses can be the same. We all know people who simply defy their own weaknesses and go on. I see Eight Belles’s death as heroic in that sense — stubborn and foolish, shocking and tragic, but not, in the end, an accident. I think the filly’s courage deserves respect, not pity.

I’m not really sure why any horse’s death would deserve “respect.” Sadness, yes, but if courage is defined the decision to do something contrary to one’s benefit for the fulfillment of a higher purpose (a totally arbitrary definition I just made up), then it’s hard to see how the horse “chose” to run itself literally to death, or what higher purpose — beyond human entertainment — it was serving. That’s not really courage. More likely, the horse was listening to its breeding and training when it unconciously said to itself, “There’s this dude on my back hitting me really hard with this stick. That means I need to run faster.” And then it kept running. So how is that courageous, again?

More likely, Ms. Smiley — like a legion of Barbaro fans before her — is more concerned with assigning human characteristics to an inhuman animal than she is with admitting that sometimes, horseracing is completely, utterly senseless. Most of all to the horses.

The last Barbaro post ever. Probably.

January 31st, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s been a couple of days now, I’ve had time to mourn and time to pay my respects, and I think it’s just better for all of us if we make a concerted effort to move on with our lives. Barbaro was an inspiration to us all, no doubt, but we can’t let his shadow define us. We’ve got to live, damnit.

So here is the final Barbaro compendium before we really focus on the collective deaths of a considerably larger number of horse-like creatures, the Indianapolis Colts.

It’s not exactly the most original idea to link to a Mighty MJD letter, but his latest from Barbaro is absolutely too good not to pass along and excerpt here, if only so I can stare at its glory with increased frequency.

I really think it lends that sense of closure we’re all so desperately chasing. For example:

Well, I’m dead. You happy now, motherfucker? I’m sure you thought I went somewhere else, but I hate to break it to you, chappy… I’m in horse heaven. I’m eating oats soaked in Cristal and getting my giant horse balls licked by a 20-year-old Anne Bancroft every night. Live with that, cocksucker.

So yeah, they’ve got internet access up here in heaven, and I saw the bullshit you wrote about me. I break my leg, and I’m on my deathbed, and you do is make glue jokes? Ha Ha Ha. Real funny, assface. I’ve already asked God and if he said if you get to heaven (he seemed to doubt it), he’d look the other way while me and all seven of original Budweiser Clydesdales rape your virgin asshole. We’ll see who’s laughing then.

You will die. And the cause of death will officially be listed as “massive horsecock trauma.” I’m going to chisel that into your tombstone myself. I hate you. I hate you with a burning passion, and I hope that your eyeballs get ripped out by a goddamn HIV-positive sea donkey who then sews your nipples together and jams a palm tree UP YOUR FUCKING — ah, hahahahahaha… I couldn’t keep a straight face. I’m just playin’, man! We cool.

It goes on like that for a while, and it’s all brilliant. Read up, kiddies.

Of course, he’s in heaven, so it doesn’t really matter to him where he’s buried - but apparently, Barbaro’s final resting place could generate quite a bit of revenue for the lucky facilitator. The ‘Spin’s all over this, so no more detail from us.

Oh, and that photo … that comes courtesy of none other than The Onion editorial staff. The accompanying headline? “Barbaro euthanizes self.” Awesome.

I suppose I have to mention this

January 29th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

R and I don’t usually swing to the tune of an injured horse, but when the poor fella gets euthanized, it probably deserves something of a mention. For that very purpose, here you go: Barbaro’s off to that big fake horse vagina in the sky.

For posterity’s sake, I’ll tell the one story I have about Barbaro that made me realize that a lot of people - reasonable people, even - actually did care about the horse beyond his potential for stud jokes….

My girlfriend’s family is from Louisville, and her father had the opportunity to view Barbaro up close on race day. A couple days after Barbaro’s now-fatal injury, she and I met her father and stepmother for dinner and, knowing that I needed a topic of conversation we all could relate to, I brought up Barbaro.

“It’s too bad, because he could have won,” I said. “But I don’t feel too bad. After all, the rest of that guy’s life is going to be pretty much unbelievable. As much sugar as you can eat, and mares all day - that’s livin’ the dream. Plus, he’s got a sweet online message board full of messages he can’t read. It’s brilliant.”

“It’s not funny,” the stepmom said. “He was the most beautiful horse any of the riders had ever seen. Everyone who saw him up close before the race said he would win - he was truly something special. He could have been the best. It’s really sad.”

She looked a little like crying, and right there I realized: a lot of people take this Barbaro thing pretty seriously. Sure, I still think the outpouring of internet support is downright ridiculous … but I also get that today is probably pretty bittersweet, at least for the horse racing and breeding community and even for smart, reasonable people who just happen to take a special interest in horse racing. For them, I’ll stuff my cynicism away, at least for a little bit.

Just so you know, this is difficult for me; the Barbaro message board soldiers on, and I’m stuck fighting the urge to copy and paste a few kooks’ comments for the sake of a cheap laugh. Damn conscience, always causing problems.

(UPDATE: Predictably, ESPN is already making it difficult for me not to make jokes. To wit: ESPN’s Barbaro correspondent, some woman whose name I didn’t catch Bob Ley mutter, just said the following words: “To many, it seemed (Barbaro) represented goodness and strength and innocence … He wasn’t a foul-mouthed, spoiled athlete running around getting into trouble…”

Ugh. You’re right, reporter lady, he wasn’t. BECAUSE HE WAS A HORSE. The most “trouble” he could run around and get into is maybe, I don’t know, kick one of his caretakers or something, and with two bum legs, that seems a bit of a stretch. Thanks for the moralizing, though.

Can’t…stop…cynicism…overtaking me…)

‘Perforation of the colon.’ What what what?!?

July 27th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

So Deadspin posts some nasty Barbaro related horse-porn fiction. It’s cool. I’m OK with it.

And then this: A commenter by the name of Rob Iracane drops this bomb on us:

“Seattle man dies after sex with horse”

Whoa, man. Slow down. He died? There are five paragraphs in this story, let’s go one by one.

SEATTLE - A Seattle man died after engaging in anal sex with a horse at a farm suspected of being a gathering place for people seeking to have sex with livestock, police said Friday.

OK - this probably resembles the PETA plantation in that one South Park episode, right?

The horse involved in the incident was not harmed, and an autopsy of the unnamed man concluded that “the manner of death was accidental … due to perforation of the colon,” a police spokesman said.

Holy. Shit. “Perforation of the colon.” He literally died from his colon being … perforated. Ughhhhh.

“The information that we have is that people would find this place via chat rooms on the Web,” said Sgt. John Urquhart of the King County Sheriff’s Department.

Of course, who hasn’t been to an internet chat room that organizes trips to outlying farm areas in Washington state, where dozens of people clamor for hot, hot sex with farm animals? Oh, that internet. Always getting people in trouble.

And these two paragraphs just speak for themselves:

Although sex with animals is not illegal in Washington state, Urquhart said that investigators were looking into whether the farm, located in Enumclaw, 40 miles southeast of Seattle, allowed sex with smaller animals that resulted in animal cruelty, which is a crime.

“If you’re talking about sheep or goats, there could be some issues,” Urquhart said.

Yes. There could be some issues, there, John. Issues which, I don’t believe, are necessarily confined to sex with small animals.

Wait, hold on. Perforation of the colon?!? Noooo WAY!

Case of the Mondays: Yanks movin’ on up

July 17th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

Baseball:

The Yankees swept the White Sox this weekend, moving them within a half-game of the AL East-leading Boston Red Sox. It was the first time the White Sox were swept all season. Mariano Rivera picked up the 400th save of his career Sunday, becoming the fourth-ever pitcher to do so. He’s 36 years old, which has to be a lie. He’s at least 50. Four other clubs also enjoyed a weekend sweep.

Not a single save was recorded on Saturday in the MLB, for the first time in almost 28 years. Six pitchers blew saves. Awesome work, guys.

NFL:

Cowboys safety Keith Davis was shot early Sunday morning on a Texas highway during a drive-by shooting. His condition is currently listed as stable. Here’s to a speedy recovery.

Barbaro Death Watch:

Things still aren’t looking so good for the winner of the Kentucky Derby. Pray for Barbaro, everybody.

Soccer:

Another Zidane video for your enjoyment. Fidel Castro is in this one!

Sightings :

One of our buddies saw Bulls coach Scott Skiles at Nick’s English Hut over the weekend. Apparently, Scottie got worked over in “sink the biz.”

Snoop Bloggy Blog:

Carl Monday, you sunofabitch! [Deadspin]

Paul Shirley is back with a vengance, baby. [Shirley’s Journal, ESPN]

Jesus Christ, Sports Superstar. [I Dislike Your Favorite Team]

Of Love and Horses

May 25th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

To be honest, I can’t really get with the whole Barbaro thing.

For a few minutes yesterday, I had a few people convinced that his breeders had decided to shoot him, and I thought it was a pretty funny joke. Apparently, it was not, as people asked me how I could make jokes about life and death while the horse’s life hung in the balance.

Well, he is a horse. And this whole outpouring of support thing is pretty hypocritical.

Don’t believe me? Check out (registration required) this column by William C. Rhoden in the NY Times today about a day at Belmont when the cameras aren’t there to capture the injuries of celebrity horses. Yesterday, a horse named Lauren’s Charm almost finished its race, got to the final turn, and then had a heart attack. By the time his trainers and medics reached him, he was dead. And the crowd barely noticed.

There was no array of photographers at Belmont Park yesterday, no sobbing in the crowd as a badly injured superstar horse tried to stay erect on three legs. There was no national spotlight.Instead, there was death. In the seventh race at Belmont, a 4-year-old filly named Lauren’s Charm headed into the homestretch. As she began to fade in the mile-and-an-eighth race on the grass, her jockey, Fernando Jara, felt her struggling, pulled up and jumped off.

As the race concluded, Lauren’s Charm collapsed. No one, except those associated with the horse and two track veterinarians, seemed to notice.

But there was nothing beautiful or gracious or redeeming about the seventh race at Belmont. This was the underside of the business. The nuts-and-bolts part, where animals are expendable parts of a billion-dollar industry.

The gate to the fenced-in area was closed. I glanced back at Lauren’s Charm, lying on the ground. Just days ago, the cameras were trained on Pimlico, and a nation cried for Barbaro. I wonder what the nation would have thought about this.

One animal breaks an ankle on national television in a Triple Crown race and sets off a national outpouring of emotion. A 4-year-old collapses and dies in full view on a sunny afternoon and not many seem to notice. Or care.

Sorry for the long quote, but you get the idea. It’s incredibly interesting to me that one horse can hurt its ankle and the nation does this, while another can suffer a heart attack and even the crowd at the track that day struggles to notice.

Another representation and further extension of our celebrity-obsessed culture, a culture in which American Idol, a stupid talent show, is a billion-dollar business?

I won’t go that far. Barbaro is just a horse, after all.

(By the way, if you visit that Barbaro message board and look hard enough, you can find a message from yours truly. I couldn’t resist. I’m not the only one - Don Quixote and Bill Walton both left messages too. Hilarious.)