The U.S. medal count: Yep, we’re screwed

August 18th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Believe it or not, there are people out there, in the world, that will consider it extremely important that the U.S. win the overall and gold medal counts at this year’s Olympics. These people can be cross-referenced into three categories: 1. Bush voters. 2. Jay Leno fans. 3. People from Wisconsin.

Despite it being very, very unimportant except for nebulous things like “national pride” and “ability to tell everyone else in the world to suck it”, the medal counts really don’t mean that much. Not at all, actually. China’s ability to avoid regulation while utilizing its incredibly huge, incredibly cheap workforce to overtake the U.S. as the world’s leading economic power … that’s something to be concerned about.

Still, the Postmen are nothing if not in service to our reader or two, so how does the U.S. stand in the medal count? Can we win? Fortunately, the Chicago Tribune wrote about this this morning! What a coincidence! I’m going to blockquote it now!

An everything-goes-right view of the second week has the United States winning 31 gold medals for a total of 48, a whopping 12 more than the U.S. performance in Athens. China won 32 golds at those Games. Expect China to add to its total with three more golds in table tennis, three in diving and one or more in boxing and gymnastics, with others possible in canoe-kayak and track and field.

When it’s all done, and if everything goes the U.S.’s way, that leaves the projected total at:

• U.S. 48.
• China 45.

That’s assuming the U.S. wins absolutely every medal it’s “supposed” to win, and a bunch it’s not. So you’re telling me there’s a chance.

Tony Stewart: Don’t fear the reefer

August 18th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Dude, Tony Stewart. Dude. What’s the deal, man? I’m over here, in my cubicle listening to my dub-step, trying to mellow out. Yeah man. Maybe play a little Rock Band later. Maybe watch some Aqua Teen. Not sure, you know? Just trying to live my life a day a time, and it’s hard, you know, because life is difficult dude and that’s why you have to take time for yourself and just think, man, like, look at the Olympics right now. Think about that. That shit is crazy, man. China, man. Crazy.

Anyway, Tony, dude, what’s up man? I thought we were buddies, and now you’re totally over here harshing me man. Harshing my mellow with your casual and comical ignorance of proper drug lingo:

Stewart, who revels in jousting with the media, jumped in: “What kind of crack are you on? You must be smoking pot grass.”

“Pot grass.” Bwahaha. Nobody smokes “pot grass,” Tony. They smoke bud weed, and occasionally they top themselves off with a little beer alcohol. Duh.

(HT: TSB, which totally just geeked me out, dude.)

From the It-Doesn’t-Even-Matter file

August 18th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

You know your quarterback situation’s bad when this is the top sports story in the most important newspaper in your city:

It’s not that we’ve actually come to the point where Kyle Orton is not only the favorite in the Bears’ quarterback competition. That’s not the first sign of a crisis; that’s just business as usual. It’s when the usually reasonable David Haugh throws his hands up in the air and starts pining for Kyle Orton — that, friends, that is when you are truly fucked.

This season is going to rule.

BELA FREAKING LOVES GYMNASTICS

August 15th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

More Bela Karolyi freakout video, courtesy of AA:

SHE IS OLYMPIC CHAMPION. YES.

See, I have no idea what Bela is cheering about — the girl is just dancing, you know? But I have a feeling that my friends/roommates/innocent bystanders feel the same way about me when I’m watching soccer. I’m prone to freakouts, even if the stakes look relatively minor to the untrained eye.

So, you see, Bela Karolyi. We’re not so different, you and I. Except you’re a gymnastics coach, so you’re kind of creepy. But in a good way.

Michael Phelps is a fatass, theoretically

August 13th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

I’ve heard a fair amount of praise for Michael Phelps’ physique (and other noticeable parts of his anatomy) throughout the Olympics, and if I may say so myself, the dude’s got abs. I’m not even afraid to admit it. They’re nice. But he also swims like 10 hours a day while the rest of us sit in cubicles. Sorry, ladies: I don’t have time for that kind of body. I make it up in “personality.”

But both males and females, skinny or fat, weight-watching or no, can relate to the twinge of jealousy one feels when reading the following. Because of that strenuous workout routine, Phelps eats just about everything you can imagine. Simon On Sports transcribed some of the details:

By order he is supposed to consume between 8000 and 10,000 calories a day. Take that Dr. Atkins. After the segment was over Bob Costas ran through what his typical breakfast is.

“…Three sandwiches of fried eggs, cheese, lettuce, tomato, fried onions and mayonnaise, add one omelet, a bowl of grits, and three slices of french toast with powdered sugar, then wash down with three chocolate chip pancakes.” Costas

Fatty. Those of you looking for the Phelps abs … I highly recommend this diet. That should work out well.

Today in good sportswriting: Karen Crouse sneaks in classic Bob Knight

August 12th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s not often enough that I just stop and say, hey, that’s a good piece of sports journalism, but today is that day. The New York Times’ Karen Crouse not only wrote an interesting profile of 50-meter freestyle swimmers, she dropped a semi-funny (or maybe I’m just not caffeinated enough — trying to ditch the habit) reference to Bob Knight:

Jones’s stroke rate was high, indicating he was spinning his wheels, not catching the water as efficiently with each arm pull as he had in the preliminaries when he was clocked in an American record of 21.59 seconds. Garrett Weber-Gale, who took first at the trials, lowered it to 21.47. “I was rotating my arms too fast,” Jones said. Or in layman’s terms, he said, “I panicked.”

The 50 freestyle is perhaps the most misunderstood of Olympic swimming events. Because it is the first race most children try when dipping their big toes into year-around competitive swimming, it is easy to get the wrong impression. To be a specialist in the event is to continually fight the perception that, to paraphrase former basketball coach Bob Knight, all swimmers learn to race the 50 freestyle in the second grade and most go on to better things.

Yes, Karen Crouse, you sly journalistic devil you. Working in a self-reference about Bob Knight’s views on journalism into a sports journalism piece about swimming is notably brilliant. Also: So meta my head burst. But again, that might just be the caffeine.

Hey, people actually care about the Blackhawks now

August 12th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Hockey isn’t exactly “back” in Chicago — it’s still here, to be sure, and thanks to young players, it’s experiencing a sudden surge in optimism. But it’s not all the way back, at least not yet.

Still, people in Chicago seem to be noticing the Blackhawks again, for a few reasons. One: Good young talent and an interesting team. Two: The Bulls were horrible to watch last year, and an $8 hockey ticket was a relative bargain. Three: Former Cubs marketing guru John McDonough is raising the team’s profile in the city little by little, whether through standard marketing (player outreach, team events) or through big coups like the planned game at Wrigley Field in January. After a few years of obsolescence, the Blackhawks are moving in the right direction.

At least it feels that way. Do the numbers match up? Are people buying more season ticket packages? Apparently it feels that way because it is that way:

Mike Kamarauskas’ predawn drive from Bartlett to the United Center to be at the front of the line to purchase Blackhawks tickets Monday was a first for him. It also marked the first time in recent memory Kamarauskas — or anyone else, for that matter — needed to arrive before sunrise to buy Hawks tickets.

“I wanted tickets for some of the premium games, and I knew I had to get out early,” said Kamarauskas, who established the head of the line at 5:30 a.m., 41/2 hours before single-game seats for the upcoming season went on sale. “I didn’t do it last year. I bought tickets the day of [games], and I bought tickets a few days or couple of weeks before the big games. I’m afraid they’re going to sell out this year.”

“Every single day, with everything we do, we need to make good impressions,” McDonough said as he worked the line under a sunny morning sky. “I met a gentleman in line who said it’s the first time he’s been back as a ticket-holder in 27 years. I hear more and more of that every day. Many of them are coming back.”

See? Hockey may suck sometimes, but some of its major problems — lack of scoring, broadcast difficulties — have been eliminated by new rules and the rise of HD television. In Chicago, ownership is no longer running the franchise as if its the 1930’s. Without getting too worked up, it’s fair to say hockey is making its push; the only uncertainty is whether that push will be a gentle nudge or a vicious shove.

NY Times: Golf sucks before you’re drunk

August 11th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

At least, that’s how I read this story about the pre-tee time nerves on a golf course.

For whatever reason, that first tee is symbolic. It’s a first impression and a microcosm rolled into one, and if you’re a terrible golfer (I am), it’s even worse. All of your friends, who usually aren’t polite enough to just let you fail without saying something biting, insist on giggling or insulting you to the point where you no longer even want to play that wretched fucking sport. It’s terrible.

The good thing? Pro golfers feel it too:

They call this the first-tee jitters, which sounds a bit wimpy for something so vexing. In the theater, they give it a beefy name: stage fright. In golf, we ought to call it first-tee terror.

It’s one of golf’s most common maladies and even the great Tiger Woods has admitted to having it. Lee Trevino once said the only people on the first tee of a PGA Tour event who weren’t nervous were the volunteers keeping score. Gary Player meditated on the first tee and Ben Hogan slowed his every movement.

“That’s why I tell my students to step on the first tee, take a practice swing about three inches from the ball, immediately step closer and hit it,” said Butch Harmon, rated the country’s best golf teacher last year by Golf Digest. “There shouldn’t be any more thought than that. The other thing I tell them is this: No one watching cares what you do. Golfers are too worried about what other people will think of them. No one cares. The other people are busy worrying about their own first shot.”

With all due respect to Butch Harmon, I think golfers should consider my theory: Get drunk. Not only are the jitters gone, so is that existential ache in your head about why, in the small amount of time you get to be on Earth, you choose to spend your Saturdays hitting an tiny ball around in circles. Screw that sissy nonsense; the cart girl is kinda cute, and I need another beer.

On my growing obsession with the Olympics

August 11th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

In the past few years, I’ve formed a pretty coherent daily newsreading schedule. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s about 65 percent sports, 35 percent everything else. Of that 35 percent, probably 25 is politics. Miniature political junkie over here, which is to say, I probably read more political news than the average American, but less than an actual “junkie.” Something like that.

Anyway, I’ve found that the confluence of sports and politics is causing an irrational, unexpected interest in the Beijing Olympics. I’m utterly fascinated by it — by the sociopolitical condition in China, by its various mysteries and abuses, by the way large countries work so hard to gloss their reputations, by how everyone sort of drops everything the minute the Games start and pretend that all is well in the world.

(Plus, I was thinking about this the other night — in the course of human history, the Olympics are, like, a really big deal. They really matter, you know? In 100 years, people will look at the Beijing Olympics as the real true start of China’s introduction as a hybrid East-West power. It’ll be a milestone. Grade school kids will study it. Etc. Sorry, I had this thought just after Pineapple Express, so you can probably gather what spawned it.)

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I really like sports, and I’m really interested in politics, and damn if the Olympics aren’t the best combination of the two sports has to offer. Which is a long way of saying that I would like to post this video now, where the U.S. beats France in an arbitrary race that, for whatever reason last night, meant a shitload to a lot of people just like me. It doesn’t make sense, but it sure is fun:

In your effing FACE, Frenchies. We destroyed you like a smelly Tibetan protester! Bitches!

Michael Phelps: Most popular swimmer evar!!!!11!

August 11th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s early in the Olympic Games, and already Michael Phelps is in cruise control. He’s competing in about ten million events, of course, but just as entertaining as seeing him win those events is seeing him effortlessly slide into second- and third-place finishes so he can rest. Dude is so good, he beats everyone else, and people say he’s intentionally dogging it.  It’s like he’s having his personal rec swim out there; the rest of the Olympics just happened to show up.It’s impressive.

But this is 2008, not 1896, and the true test of success in life is not gold, bronze, or silver, but News Feed, Zombies, and Scrabulous. Screw medals; how many Facebook friends does Phelps have?

Darren Rovell investigates:

With a gold in the 4×100 relay this morning, Michael Phelps now has eight gold medals to his name and two for this Olympiad. The bad news? He’s not allowed to have any more friends. On Friday, the day of the Opening Ceremony, Phelps reached the limit on his facebook page of 5,000 friends. More than 1,600 come from the University of Michigan, where Phelps goes to school, almost 200 come from New York and about 170 friends come from Baltimore, his hometown.

See, I was totes going to get 5,000 friends too, but then I was all like, pshh, Facebook is stupid, I don’t need any more friends than 15 anyway, like, screw that. I’m too popular already.

I feel pretty good about my decision.

Anyway, in case you really wanted to tie yourself to another person’s Olympic success, you can still become Michael Phelps’ “fan” on Facebook. The board seems pretty active, but beating the smarmy French will do that to a message board. USA! USA!