This weekend was exhausting

June 9th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s been a long time since we don’t a Monday morning recap of the weekend’s sports, but think about everything that happened this weekend:

– Euro 2008 kicked off, featuring four matches on both Saturday and Sunday
– Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer faced off in the French Open final
– Big Brown attempted to win the Triple Crown
– The U.S. faced the No. 1 team in the world, Argentina, in an international friendly
– The Lakers and Celtics played Game Two of the NBA Finals

I’m almost positive I’m missing stuff. Like, somewhere, Tiger Woods probably played a hobbled round of golf. College football players were probably doing nefarious things after summer practice. NASCAR probably had some sort of circular driving competition. A tree fell in a forest. Etc.

So, in the spirit of comprehensiveness, let me see if I can remember everything I felt about sports this weekend:

Good morning, Saturday morning. Why is, wait … what’s that score? 6-1, 6-3, 6-0? Is Nadal doing that? What the hell happened? He’s going to … wow, it’s already over. And he’s not even celebrating. He just looks embarassed, like a guy who just got an undeserved promotion in front of his co-workers. Incredible. Let’s go get some breakfast.

Oh, Portugal. Beautiful, tricky Portugal. You’re just going to toy with Turkey for 60 minutes and then score two goals, aren’t you? Yes you are.

Speaking of toying with people, flip over to the racing coverage. Nice suit, Rick Reilly. Yeesh. Talk about Big Brown. (Badum-ch!) Anyway, Big Brown is winning this, no problem, no issues; it’s just a matter of margin. Whoa. He looks a little unhappy today. Roid rage? He doesn’t want to go in the blocks. Uh-oh. RUN! RUN, YOU … he’s not going to win. Oh my god … he’s really losing. He’s dead last. He lost.

Ah, yes, more soccer today. Awesome. Didn’t catch the first match, but Germany-Poland ought to be a good one. It is a good one. Easy goal in the first, though the Poles are threatening now. Why are their fans so angry? What about these two countries’ pasts could have spurred such negative feelings? Floating ball in the box … PODOLSKI! Game time.

Come on, U.S. Come on. COME ON. COME ON COME ON. COME ON PLEASE OH TIM HOWARD THANK GOD FUCK COME ON SCORE FUCK COME ON PLEASE NO MASTROENI FUCK. Fuck. All right. Good draw.

Why the hell are the Celtics making everything? Will the Lakers defend? I am sick of this bullshit Big Three nonsense and why won’t Kobe take over this game and do something and oh wait here we go, this might be it, just ten more points; ooh, just five more points, are they going to do it? Down to four they might catch up here and … aw, shit, seriously? Really? Kobe’s not even going to get the ball late? Screw the Celtics. This series is bothering me.

I think I’m drunk. Time for bed.

(Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.)