Ozzie Guillen is creeping on Derek Jeter

April 24th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Everyone likes Derek Jeter at least a little bit. Or, that is to say, everyone likes the idea of Derek Jeter, the notion that there is this steely-eyed clutch monster who never lets his team down. The ultimate captain. The gamer. The winner. Mr. New York. All that nonsense.

A look at the real Derek Jeter reveals a player who, while still productive offensively, is a truly dismal defensive player and whose “clutch” exploits have found something of a selective audience. When the Yankees win in the playoffs, it’s because Jeter pulled them through; when they lose, it’s because A-Rod let them down. Nor is Jeter a particularly good captain, considering he’s seemed pretty willing to let New York fans filet Rodriguez even though Rodriguez is without question the better player.

Anyway, you probably wouldn’t be reading if you didn’t already know all this, so let’s get to the important bit: Ozzie Guillen buys in to the Myth of Derek Jeter, and wants (his imaginary daughter) to make hot, sweaty man-love with that myth:

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had no problem expressing his man-crush on New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter. ”Derek Jeter has everything in his life,” Guillen gushed Wednesday. ”He’s got money, he’s got rings…”

Then Guillen paused and laughed as it became obvious where he was going.

”He’s not married,” he continued. ”He lives in New York. At the All-Star Game, I looked around to see if he’s got anything I don’t like. Whoa. The perfect man. Too bad I don’t have a daughter.”

I don’t want to know what Ozzie could possibly have been “looking around at”, or what about it was so “perfect.” I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. Anyway, I’m sure he was just talking about Derek Jeter’s lifestyle. I heard that lifestyle is great, too. Long, and thick, but not too much … just the right balance of size, girth, and proportion. That’s one hell of a lifestyle.