Jay Mariotti doesn’t live in Wrigleyville

March 13th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

Jay Mariotti is the king of manufactured drama. After all, four 800-word columns a week are tough to write if there’s nothing compelling going on in Chicago sports. For example, this week: The Bulls still suck, the Blackhawks are still surprisingly mediocre, and the Cubs and White Sox are still weeks away from truly mattering. There’s really nothing to get too excited about.

Ah, but Mariotti, whose schtick is well-recognized around here, has to have something. So he comes up with this:

It would be so typical, so Cub, if the Brian Roberts carrot dangled and teased and baited … and ultimately remained in Baltimore. Not since John McDonough distributed Beanie Babies and Mark Grace told the female fans where he drank beer has there been such breathless panting in Wrigleyville. I think Roberts will be here, and you think he’ll be here, and the players think he’ll be here.But what if, by some chance, he never arrives?

I live on the border of Wrigleyville and Lincoln Park. R lives mere blocks from Wrigley Field. After conducting a brief survey, I can confirm that neither of us have heard any literal or metaphorical panting. There’s this one dude I always catch sleeping in the alley, but he’s not really panting. Just sort of breathing hard. He’s not bothering anybody. And I’ve never stopped to ask, but I don’t think Brian Roberts anxiety is a cause of his breathing patterns.

This isn’t limited to geography, obviously, but seriously: Who is really worried about Brian Roberts right now? I haven’t heard his name in at least a week. If this is breathless panting, it’s the sorriest breathless panting I’ve ever been a part of. And I grew up with a lot of fat kids.