Bryant McKinnie sounds like a ferocious streetfighter

February 25th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

I’ve been in just a few drunken bar fights in my day, and in most of them, nothing ever really happens. You scream a little bit. You get your “boys” to restrain you. You talk loudly about how much of a “bitch” and a “douchebag” that guy across the bar with the popped collar is. You stare a little bit. And everybody goes home feeling much better about themselves and the size of their penises.

But given my experience in the one fight I’ve actually thrown a punch in (it broke my hand! Ow ow ow!), it takes someone with both size and that crazy look in their eye to be truly effective. That’s why I want Bryant McKinnie on my side:

According to a Miami police report obtained by The Herald, McKinnie spit on the face of a bouncer, 32-year-old Eric Otero, shoved a camera phone into his face and then picked up a heavy pole and slammed it over Otero’s head. This occurred in front of a large crowd.The trouble had started when Otero attempted to eject the 6-8, 335-pound McKinnie from the club. As he was being taken out of the establishment, McKinnie yelled obscenities and spit in Otero’s face according to police. Otero said if McKinnie left, he would not press charges.

That’s … insane. Note to bouncers in the Minneapolis/Miami area: When you see Bryant McKinnie starting trouble in your club, don’t try to reason with the man. Do not attempt to restrain him. Pick up the phone (if you do not have a phone, a camera phone will clearly be provided to you) and call the police. Then find a safe position away from all windows, cross your legs, put your head down, and pray to whatever God you pray to.