Finally, you are Joey Chestnut

February 8th, 2008 | Posted by PostmanE

As the Friday winds down, and I consider what relaxing activity I’m going partake in tonight — the answer is usually some variant of “irresponsible alcoholism” — I must admit: I’ve found myself unable to scratch my video game itch recently. I don’t have a roommate with an XBOX 360 and a PS3 anymore, and so what little gaming I do has been confined to Guitar Hero 3 for Playstation 2. I know, right: lame. You don’t even shoot aliens or anything! Bor-ing.

So maybe it’s time to pull the trigger. Maybe it’s time to get back into the wild timesuck that is video games. Maybe it’s time to … play competitive eating?

A press release came rolling out far and wide today announcing an upcoming video game based on America’s favorite pastime: eating. Mastiff has snagged the license for Major League Eating, no doubt after a hot bidding war with EA. The aptly named Major League Eating: The Game promises that the “world’s greatest gurgitory athletes” will compete in a fighting game-like format, using offensive and defensive “burps, belches, and mustard gas” while making sure the stomach doesn’t go empty.The press release, which goes on to repeatedly refer to participants as “athletes” — presumably with a straight face — doesn’t list a release target for the title. “Major League Eaters aren’t just elite athletes,” said Bill Swartz of Mastiff. “They are the people who built America. Or at least the competitive eating part of America. And I am deeply honored that the International Federation of Competitive Eating and Major League Eating chose Mastiff as their exclusive videogame partner.”

And I am deeply proud. Not only that I live in a country that considers video games such a valid way to spend time. Not only that I live in a country that considers competitive eating a sport. No, I’m proud because this fine nation is one in which virtual competitive eating — and actually binging on fattening food — can be done simultaneously. God. Bless. America.

Oh, and in case you’re curious, that annoying movie about the preggers teenager is going to have a video game, too. Not sure how that will work out, but here’s hoping it involves some adaptation of Grand Theft Auto’s “Hot Coffee.”