The Postmen NBA Spectacular: Eastern Conference

October 30th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Even though I’ve only recently actualized it, there are few things that get me as excited as the start of the NBA season. The constant highlights, Charles, Ernie, and Kenny on Thursday nights … man, do I love it. To express that love in full, here’s Part One of the Postmen NBA Spectacular, brought to you by nondescript team previews everywhere. This wouldn’t be so uncreative, but FD totally stole my every player preview idea. Sure they did.

Below, the Eastern Conference, in some vague semblance of order.

Boston Celtics: I didn’t want to do it. I want to be a Celtics hater; I want to believe that their utter lack of anything outside the big three (can you really count on Rajon Rondo yet?) will cripple them. I want to believe it, but I can’t. If it were any other three superstars in the league, maybe, but if we know anything about Kevin Garnett, it’s his near-inhuman desire to win. He will not only be the second option in this trio, he’ll be the third, and be willing to complement the perimeter games of Paul Pierce and Ray Allen whenever necessary. He is really the key piece; were it just Allen and Pierce and pieces, the Celtics might be just as bad as they were last year. Instead, they’ll be the toast of the East thanks to their trio of unselfish stars … but mostly thanks to KG.

Chicago Bulls: Yes, I’m a Bulls fan, but that doesn’t change the fact that this is the year. I don’t mean that in the championship sense of the word — that would still be asking too much — but, trade or not, this is the year the Bulls own the Central and make their run at the conference title. They don’t have a game-changer like LeBron James, and their core lacks whatever veteran panache the Pistons still subscribe to, but there’s no reason the Central’s deepest, most talented ballclub shouldn’t take the division and do more than compete in the East. (Amended Kobe-related prediction: If the Bulls snag Bryant for Gordon-Thomas-Noah-picks, pencil them in for the Finals. Anything more, and the above non-patenthetical still stands.)

Detroit Pistons: Even though LeBron finally made it past them last year, leading to all sorts of lazy mythological Jordan lineage comparisons, the Pistons are still a contender in the East. Chauncey Billups is back, Rasheed Wallace is making insane predictions … it’s like the good old days all over again. That said, the Pistons will need to get help off the bench this year; they were a tired team in the playoffs. Jason Maxiell should help. Flip Saunders: Still suspect.

Toronto Raptors: The Raptors are not-so-quietly-anymore building a Suns replica in the East, only the Raptors — excepting Chris Bosh — don’t have near the talent level. No matter: Even a semi-effective Suns fascimile is good enough to work in this conference, and all signs point to even further improvement from the team up north. Jason Kapono is a great, free-shooting addition. Jose Garbajosa can only help, and increased production from Andrea Bargnani and Jose Calderon make the Raptors a run-and-gun team with teeth.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Rarely has a team with such a young, talented superstar had such an anxious fanbase. There are worries about talent level. There are worries about the coaching staff. Most disconcertingly, there are worries about LeBron’s James status in Cleveland vis a vis the first two worries. I would say I feel bad for Cavs fans, but they do, you know, have LeBron. Which means they’ll have another average year, and perhaps another playoffs climb, but there’s no way this Cavs team beats any Western Conference champ in the Finals. LeBron might be enough in the first few rounds of the playoffs, but it will take some sort of addition — the kind of addition the Cavs aren’t able to afford — to get LBJ his first title.

Washington Wizards: This is the year the big three — and by big three I mean one star, one very good player, and one solid one (your guess which is which!) — all stay healthy. Still, a lack of defensive acumen from a team unable to truly drown opponents in baskets is unsettling.

Orlando Magic: Rashard Lewis’ contract was ridiculous. I mean, ridiculous. Rashard Lewis is a lovely player, but he is not so lovely as to deserve $118 million. Rashard Lewis is a lovely player, but he is not so lovely — and he will not be so lovely — as to deserve $23.7 million (!!) in 2012/13. With his contract and Dwight Howard’s extension, the Magic are on the hook for $42 million all the way through 2012/13, which is damn near crippling in the long term … but will have this team far more competitive in the short. Lewis is a versatile scorer, which should complement Howard’s power game well, and the Magic have the shooters outside. Perimeter defense will be a problem … and … sorry, I can’t stop looking at that contract. What were we talking about?

New York Knicks: Yes, yes, I know. Isiah Thomas is an idiot. Saying this gets so old one begins to root for the contrary even if he doesn’t necessarily believe it to be true. Isiah is very probably terrible at being a GM, but he seems OK at being a coach, and he has a team assembled this year that ought to — ought to — do serious damage in the East. This is probably too low for them, but these rankings are, beyond their obvious structural advantages, meaningless. The point is that the Knicks should regain be relevant again this year, without losing any of the batshit crazy we’ve all come to expect.

Remainders: It was tempting to throw Atlanta in here; at the very least they will be a beautiful mess … I smell Dwayne Wade and Shaq injuries, and Jason Williams, even in a contract year, definitely isn’t the key to victory … I wish I could take Joe Johnson, Andre Iguodala, Gerald Wallace, Jermaine O’Neal, and Michael Redd, and give them a home somewhere together. That team competes for the conference, instead of toiling away as individuals in the dregs of the NBA. Sad.

Props to PostmanR for the art.