Eduardo Perez: Worse than Emmitt Smith

October 26th, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Let that sink in for a second.

If you thought Emmitt Smith was the lowest the jocks-by-default model could go, allow me to introduce you to Eduardo Perez. Repeated postgame quotes, constantly tortured and rattled off as if Stuart Scott jumped out from under that big shiny desk:

– “The Rockies need to believe in themselves … and just play baseball.”
– “They need to go back to Colorado and that crowd’s got to be … um, fired up … and they’ve, you know, they’ve got to hit the ball.”
– “You’ve just got to get on that field and play the game, and believe in yourself.”
– On what he would say were he Clint Hurdle (Rockies fans, thank God he is not): “I’d tell them to forget about it and just believe in each other and just go out there and play your game.”
– “The Rockies need Matsuzaka to struggle because he hasn’t pitched in that thin air. Not even on Mount Fuji.” (Awkward laugh)

None of this really does any justice to what, besides any semblance of thought, Perez really lacks: that all-too-hard-to-pinpoint polish. If Joe Morgan has taught us anything, it’s that you can be sort of silly and dumb, but as long as you’re easy to listen to and you seem relatively comfortable with what you’re doing, well, hell, you can win an Emmy! But beyond being base and just really sort of stupid (mean, I know, but it’s true), Eduardo seems like he’d rather be doing anything else than talking about baseball. As a roommate so eloquently put it: He’s a mess.

As if it needs repeating: When you eschew thoughtful analysis for the idea weird idea that ex-athletes are the only ones capable of talking to you about the game, you end up with people like Eduardo Perez. Wherever the replacement-level bar sits for baseball pundits, Eduardo isn’t even close. Give me Peter Gammons; give me random Joe BaseballFan; give me that 12-year-old on Sunday NFL Countdown. Just don’t give me the notion that athletes are better, and more knowledgeable, by default. If they can’t even talk, what’s the point? And what happens when they have nothing to say?

Oh, right: Eduardo Perez. That’s what happens.