Bill Simmons is going to blow his brains out

May 23rd, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

How funny was that? Come on, right? For almost six months Simmons has been railing on about the Celtics’ draft, and to be honest, I sort of agreed with him: Celtics fans deserved a little goodwill considering the Duncan draft and the rest of the nonsense over the past 10 years or so. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t laugh my ass off when the Celts came up with the No. 5 pick — No. 5!! — and ESPN was obligated to show about 100 different Celtics fan reactions. Too funny.

So, in his honor, here’s a little roundup of the reaction to the lottery last night. And hopefully Bill can come to grips with this; we don’t want him pulling an A.J. Soprano or something.

Lion in Oil: Taking it back to the Sports Guy, he can’t be happily married to his Boston teams. If they were always winning, he wouldn’t have anything to write about, considering how limited his topics already are. But it’s the frustration, the losing, and the angst that gets him going. And that is what ultimately makes him successful. If all Boston teams went undefeated, it would be a yawner. He’d be boring. With his Hollywood experiences Simmons knows this all too well, and as painful as it must have been as a fan to see Oden and Durant slip away, he must have been smiling on the inside, for now he has a column topic for the morning.

Bob Ryan: Fifth!

“I paid off the leprechaun this morning,” sighed Tom Heinsohn, who was the Celtics’ representative, “and he lied to me. Leprechauns will do that.”

Bye-bye, Greg Oden, the next great franchise center. Bye-bye, Kevin Durant, an explosive 6-foot-10-inch forward who may not guarantee you a championship but who will at least keep folks highly entertained for the next 10 years. Fifth! The horror!

True Hoop: Wow. Really, I mean … wow.

I don’t want to put myself in the middle of the story or anything, but I can’t shake the feeling that I did this. Clothespins fashioned as butterflies with my daughter’s face on them now have a 100% success rate in bringing home the best possible draft pick.

I am not convinced that that this is guaranteed to be a Greg Oden pick, and I imagine this’ll be like the Dwight Howard/Emeka Okafor draft where no one will really know for sure until David Stern says the name.

Larry Brown Sports: I’m not one to jump to conclusions or anything, but, let’s jump to a conclusion. Portland will take Greg Oden. They will take the Ohio St. center, and they will ride him to an NBA title.

FanHouse: Final thoughts: Both Oden and Durant end up in the Western Conference. WHAT THE HELL?! Luckily, if Portland and Seattle fans collectively burn their cities down in joyous revelation, there’s a lot of water around to help put it out. Phoenix has had a terrible week… knocked out by David Stern’s iron hammer and Nique’s lucky pink tie. Yikes. And Milwaukee… so much for launching into the Eastern Conference Finals next year.

That’s all for us, folks. Remember Bill: it’s going to be OK. Corey Brewer is a very nice player, I hear.