Opening Day: Cubs suck, White Sox suck too; Yankees set to win World Series; fans consume alcohol at dangerous levels

April 2nd, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

Ah, Opening Day. The time to make rash predictions about the rest of the year based on 1/162nd of the season. Ready?

The Cubs suck. The Cubs couldn’t hit one freaking Aaron Harang sinker if they tried, Carlos Zambrano had volatile issues with the plate ump’s strike zone, and The Lineup $300 Million Built lost 5-1 to at Cincinnati. What it means: The Cubs are set to go 0-162, followed by Mark Cuban buying the Cubs and moving them to Dallas. That’s probably best case. Worst case: Old Style-soaked Wrigley concrete finally crumbles for good and the team simply dissolves, its players surrendered to some sort of expansion draft-like auction. Yep, that sounds about right.

The White Sox suck even more than the Cubs do. Some good news for this Cubs fan today: the White Sox, who lost 12-5 to Cleveland today, are also set to go 0-162, but will do so in historically siv-like fashion, losing every game by seven runs. Just like today, the White Sox losing by a wider margin than the Cubs is the only thing that will redeem an otherwise disastrous season for Cubs fans.

The Yankees are once again dominant. It’s true. Nothing is more convincing than an Opening Day win over Tampa Bay. And is that a Carl Pavano win? Actually, no, it’s not. Figures. Nonetheless, no doubt Pavano will win the Cy Young this year in a near-unanimous vote. The one defector? Peter Gammons, who will vote for Gil Meche.

People in Wisconsin know how to drink. The above photo (Credit: Kristyna Wentz-Graff, Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel), is of a gaggle of Brewers fans guzzling what is presumably Miller Lite through a multiple-bong apparatus. The only other time I’ve seen such well-constructed alcoholism was at Iowa, when some football tailgaters had a similar device. I was as frightened of it then as I am now.

Plenty more baseball to come later today. Peep The FanHouse for round-the-clock updates and foolish, gullible posts from yours truly.