The last Barbaro post ever. Probably.

January 31st, 2007 | Posted by PostmanE

It’s been a couple of days now, I’ve had time to mourn and time to pay my respects, and I think it’s just better for all of us if we make a concerted effort to move on with our lives. Barbaro was an inspiration to us all, no doubt, but we can’t let his shadow define us. We’ve got to live, damnit.

So here is the final Barbaro compendium before we really focus on the collective deaths of a considerably larger number of horse-like creatures, the Indianapolis Colts.

It’s not exactly the most original idea to link to a Mighty MJD letter, but his latest from Barbaro is absolutely too good not to pass along and excerpt here, if only so I can stare at its glory with increased frequency.

I really think it lends that sense of closure we’re all so desperately chasing. For example:

Well, I’m dead. You happy now, motherfucker? I’m sure you thought I went somewhere else, but I hate to break it to you, chappy… I’m in horse heaven. I’m eating oats soaked in Cristal and getting my giant horse balls licked by a 20-year-old Anne Bancroft every night. Live with that, cocksucker.

So yeah, they’ve got internet access up here in heaven, and I saw the bullshit you wrote about me. I break my leg, and I’m on my deathbed, and you do is make glue jokes? Ha Ha Ha. Real funny, assface. I’ve already asked God and if he said if you get to heaven (he seemed to doubt it), he’d look the other way while me and all seven of original Budweiser Clydesdales rape your virgin asshole. We’ll see who’s laughing then.

You will die. And the cause of death will officially be listed as “massive horsecock trauma.” I’m going to chisel that into your tombstone myself. I hate you. I hate you with a burning passion, and I hope that your eyeballs get ripped out by a goddamn HIV-positive sea donkey who then sews your nipples together and jams a palm tree UP YOUR FUCKING — ah, hahahahahaha… I couldn’t keep a straight face. I’m just playin’, man! We cool.

It goes on like that for a while, and it’s all brilliant. Read up, kiddies.

Of course, he’s in heaven, so it doesn’t really matter to him where he’s buried - but apparently, Barbaro’s final resting place could generate quite a bit of revenue for the lucky facilitator. The ‘Spin’s all over this, so no more detail from us.

Oh, and that photo … that comes courtesy of none other than The Onion editorial staff. The accompanying headline? “Barbaro euthanizes self.” Awesome.