Gregg Doyel can actually make me argue against one of my favorite players

December 14th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Gregg Doyel has always been something of a mystery to me. There’s no question he’s a good writer; he (probably) wouldn’t be working for CBS Sportsline were he not.

But where Doyel could use the mighty powers of his position, and the Internet, for good, he instead uses them to kind of be an asshole to people in his mailbags. Honestly, it’s funny, but it’s also a dick move, and it would be a lot easier to respect the guy were he not so seemingly fond of the negative attention.

Oh, and sometimes he writes things like this.

The MVP strikes like lightning, but he’s no Bolt

He already owns the NFL’s single-season touchdown record, and has three games left to put it beyond mortal reach. His team has the best record in football, and he is the biggest reason. He is the league’s Most Valuable Player.

Phew. For a second there, your headline confused me. I thought you were going somewhere else than LaDainian Tomlinson on this one. Fortunately, that’s beyond normal reason, and you’re not unreasonable, are you Gregg?

His name is not LaDainian Tomlinson.

Oh.

Sorry. This line of thinking probably comes as a shock. Every time you turn on a television or open a magazine, you are notified that San Diego’s Tomlinson is this season’s MVP. You are reminded of his record number of touchdowns from scrimmage — 29 and counting — and told that he is the MVP as if this is gospel, something to be argued only by an idiot.

I’ll be your idiot.

You said it, not me. But seriously, is it really so renegade to suggest that Tomlinson might not be the most deserving, despite his otherworldly statistics? After all, the most prominent football writer in the country, Peter King, has steadfastly pimped Drew Brees for the award, not only for his crazy statistics, but for the impact he has had on a ravaged area of the country still recovering from a debilitating disaster (whether or not the main victims of the disaster have actually had a chance to, you know, get tickets in the Dome). I mean, if Peter King is going the other way on Tomlinson, there’s wiggle room here, provided the player can at least top Brees’ accomplishments, or, at the very least, there’s a shred of intelligence in the argument for said player. (WEEKEND UPDATE: Bill Simmons, the nation’s most prominent sportswriter, period, is also a Drew Brees proponent. So there’s the two most prominent sportswriters in the country saying the MVP doesn’t belong to Tomlinson, Gregg. Ugh.)

Because Devin Hester is your MVP.

Ha, oh, tell me this is a joke man. I love Devin Hester, but come on. Really? Devin Hester? Go on.

With an NFL-record six returns for touchdowns this season, Hester’s also your Rookie of the Year — but let’s not minimize his value to the Chicago Bears or his impact on this 2006 season by pigeon-holing him into the most conventional award possible.

A rookie can be the MVP. It’s allowed. Not that we need a precedent, but if it’ll make you feel better, fine. Here are your precedents: Rookie MVPs happened in the NBA with Wilt Chamberlain (1960) and Wes Unseld (’69), in baseball with Fred Lynn (’75) and Ichiro Suzuki (2001), and in the NFL with Earl Campbell (1978).

And it should happen this season with Devin Hester.

Hester won’t win because of his rookie status and his specialized role — although Redskins kicker Mark Moseley was MVP in 1982 — and because of Tomlinson, who is on pace to run for 1,780 yards, catch 64 passes and score 36 touchdowns. The Chargers (11-2) have the best record in the AFC. Tomlinson is a strong, strong candidate for MVP.

But to eliminate Hester, to consider the matter closed without even hearing his side, is the very thing you’d expect from the sports media. One or two sportswriters can be brilliant. A group of them, voting en masse? Lemmings. Show them a cliff, give them LaDainian Tomlinson, and watch them race each other to the rocks below.

As if your original sentence didn’t stress the fact enough, yes, Gregg, we get that you consider yourself different from your colleagues. You’re no lemming; you’re a renegade take-no-prisoners bad ass … guy that writes about sports. How very brave of you. Devin Hester.

But seriously … Devin Hester?

Meanwhile, Hester means as much to his team as Tomlinson to his. And seeing how the Bears are 11-2 — best in the NFC — Hester’s MVP credentials deserve a look.

OK. So your MVP criteria are laid out here, and they seem fair. Who means most to the most successful teams? I can dig it. But you really, really think Devin Hester means more to the Bears than Tomlinson means to the Chargers? Well, I disagree. In fact, I disagree that Hester means more to the Bears than Brian Urlacher or Olin Kreutz. But let’s see some argumentation, and then you might win me over. Cool?

Hester has scored in five games, with two Monday against St. Louis, and the Bears have won all five. When he scores, Chicago is unbeatable. No, he doesn’t score as often as Tomlinson. But he has scored more often than any return man in history. The most explosive athletes in the NFL have returned kicks, from Gale Sayers to Deion Sanders to Dante Hall — but none has scored six return touchdowns in a season. Hester has six in 13 games.

When Tomlinson scores, it finishes a drive. When Hester scores, it finishes the other team. His 83-yard punt return with 2:58 left beat Arizona. His 108-yard return of a missed field goal against the Giants turned a 24-20 Bears lead into a 31-20 margin in the fourth quarter — game over. His 94-yard kickoff return kept the Bears in the game early with St. Louis, and his 96-yard return in the fourth quarter was the knockout blow.

All told, Hester’s six touchdowns have covered 510 yards, almost two football fields more than the sum total of Tomlinson’s 29 scores (345 yards). When Hester scores the game changes, usually for good, and five of his six touchdowns have come on the road. What’s it worth to the Bears for Hester to psyche out an entire stadium?

Problem No. 1: Hester has scored in five games, with two Monday against St. Louis, and the Bears have won all five. When he scores, Chicago is unbeatable.

Well, isn’t this maybe kind of a coincidence? Five games is a decent size, but the Bears are 11-2, meaning they’ve won 6 games when Hester hasn’t scored. So it’s not like the dude is putting his team on his back or something.

Problem 2: All told, Hester’s six touchdowns have covered 510 yards, almost two football fields more than the sum total of Tomlinson’s 29 scores (345 yards).

Wait, I’m confused. Hester’s six touchdowns - that’s right, six - have covered 510 yards, which you think is more impressive than Tomlinson’s 29 freaking touchdowns covering merely … 345? Which would you consider more valuable - 29 touchdowns and 345 scoring yards or six touchdowns and 510 yards? Since touchdowns are worth six points, and points are the structural zenith of a football game, let’s just do the math.

Tomlinson: 174 points, 345 yards.
Hester: 36 points, 510 yards.

Let’s say, for my own personal satisfaction, you consider yardage just as important as points, which you possibly couldn’t, even though that’s kind of what you’re saying in that paragraph. Tomlinson’s final tally from above, if you add the two (which you really shouldn’t since one is worth so much less than the other) is 519. Hester’s is 546. Now I see what you’re getting at. Makes total, complete sense now. I guess Hester is more valuable to the Bears.

Problem 3: What’s it worth to the Bears for Hester to psyche out an entire stadium?

Well, that’s certainly an interesting question. But can you answer it? Can anyone? And if they could, do you think it would be worth more than Tomlinson’s - I’ll say this again, just for emphasis - 29 freaking touchdowns?

This is how Chicago is 11-2 despite its quarterback controversy and an offense ranked 20th out of 32 teams. The Bears have a stud defense, but given their basket case of an offense, defense doesn’t fully explain 11-2. Thanks to Hester, Chicago owns the kicking game and all those hidden yards within. In addition to his TDs, he has seven other punt returns of at least 20 yards. He leads the NFL at 14.4 yards per return, and with a few more kickoff returns to qualify, his 35.1-yard average also would lead the league.

At the end of the day, though, Tomlinson will win because he’s an every-down back who will touch the ball 400 times this season compared to 50 or 60 for Hester. That’s not just you thinking it. It’s people here at SportsLine.com. One of our NFL writers pointed out in an e-mail the discrepancy in touches between Tomlinson and Hester, wishing me a mocking “good luck” with this story. In other words, an MVP for a specialist like Hester would be like an MVP for a baseball pitcher. Which has happened 20 times, by the way.

Ouch. One of your NFL writers derided your own column before you even wrote it? Good thing that sort of logic and reason didn’t stop your groundbreaking thoughts from being published. You renegade.

Also, by the way, Hester winning the MVP wouldn’t be like a “baseball pitcher.” It wouldn’t be like a starter - it would be more like, oh, a middle relief pitcher winning it, which has (correct me if I’m wrong here, which I might be) never happened.

Look, I’m aware that Tomlinson’s ridiculous touchdown total will carry him to the MVP. For every 11.5 times he touches the ball, he ends up in the end zone. Then again, Hester scores every 7.8 touches. And when he’s on the field, the other team isn’t thinking about Philip Rivers or Antonio Gates. There are 11 sets of eyes watching Hester and only Hester.

Hester touches the ball an unbelievably fewer amount of times than Tomlinson, because he is a returner, and Tomlinson is a running back. This is comparing apples to a t-bone steak.

Tomlinson: 665 touches, 1906 yards.
Hester: 46 touches, 976 yards.

Not only that, but those 11 players chasing Devin Hester are also worried about their blockers, those pretty big dudes running at them trying to knock them violently to the ground. See, Devin Hester isn’t out there alone. This is actually where he and Tomlinson are similar. They both have 10 other people on the field with them attempting to aid them in their pursuits.

But instead of taking on that similarity, you’d like to compare their per-carry averages, which is unbelievably wrongheaded.

Me, I’m looking at the stats of Tomlinson’s backup, Michael Turner. He’s averaging more yards per carry (6.2) than Tomlinson (5.0), which makes me wonder if the Chargers’ real MVP isn’t their offensive line.

Again, Turner touches the ball far less. His total touches: 75. Compared to almost 600 more than that. You’re getting closer; you actually decided to apply a standard to the same position, but your sample size is again totally skewed. Not too fair to Mr. Tomlinson, but hey, who needs to be fair when a country of lemmings is trying to stop THE TRUTH from seeing the LIGHT OF DAY, man.

Not that Tomlinson isn’t great. He is. But his greatness is forged by teamwork and enhanced by circumstances. Hester’s greatness comes from thin air. In one instant the football is falling out of the sky, and in the next it is 80 yards away, in the end zone, held aloft by Devin Hester, who still has room in his other hand for the MVP trophy.

Again, it’s as if Devin Hester, Grand Champion of all He sees, is out there by himself, sprinting for touchdowns without the aid of a single Bears blocker or punt wall or kick return scheme. It’s as if he’s out in the wilderness, boldly attacking kicking teams with nothing but his 4.3 speed and a desire to dethrone LaDainian Tomlinson. Because Tomlinson has blockers and Hester doesn’t, or something.

Or maybe Doyel sees a little of himself in Hester - underappreciated, alone in the world, fighting off a team of cliff-diving lemmings with little else than a laptop, his tricky but misleading use of statistics, and his desire to dethrone LaDainian Tomlinson. A renegade, if you will, battling back against the world of people who refuse to see what he sees. Or maybe he’s the one who needs new glasses.

Apologies to FireJoeMorgan, whose style was aped shamelessly here.

Also, for the record, I really love Devin Hester. Blame Doyel for this.