Like a Phoenix, rising from the ashes of high school journalism

October 19th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

You know, I love Sports Illustrated. That love is myopic and contradictory, but it is love nontheless. Let me count the ways: SI, as a print brand, has maintained a foothold of relevance despite the explosion of a fast-paced online sports community AND grown its online brand into a perfect complement of its print product. They’re solid in every way, except for when Dr. Z starts being all grumpy. Oh, and they gave Jenn Sterger a column. That remains a black mark.

Anyway, today, I found a new reason to love SI: the ever gag-inducing, collegiate stereotype-pushing SI On Campus just keeps getting better. Now, it seems, they’re letting just about anybody with a computer and a job at their collegiate paper be a campus correspondent. The result? A barely-literate introduction to the University of Iowa.

I’m not going to go through this bit by bit, because that would be mean, and it’s not the author’s fault at all, really. He just wrote this like he writes everything else, and SIOC went ahead and slapped it on their site. Though, it warrants mentioning - if this is the edited version, what in the hell could the original draft have looked like? Anyway, some of the keepers:

Located in the heart of Iowa City, the University of Iowa has been shaping young minds since 1847. The school, which was the first public university in the United State to admit men and women on an equal basis, has seen Nobel Prize winners, Pulitzer Prize winners and Supreme Court justices pass through its doors. These days, however, the main draw for the school’s 30,000 students is the football team. Led by quarterback Drew Tate and coach Kirk Ferentz, the 5-2 Hawkeyes are among the Big Ten powerhouses.

Yes, Brendan, you’re absolutely right. The reason 30,000 students go to Iowa is the football team. It’s not, you know, the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, or the excellent medical programs, or the solid liberal arts education, or the campus that so accurately resembles an overgrown corporate office park. It’s Kirk Ferentz and Drew Tate. That sounds completely reasonable.

Also, dude, calling your program a powerhouse a few days after you got beat by Indiana is probably ill-advised. Let’s do some word-association: Powerhouse. Michigan. Ohio State. USC. Auburn. LSU. Iowa. One of these things is not like the other.

Another neat tradition: In Heaven, There Is No Beer. When the band starts playing this tune, everyone in Iowa City is celebrating because it means the Hawkeyes were victorious. Every Iowan enjoys singing this one as often as possible. Here are the lyrics:

“In Heaven, there is no beer…
That’s why we drink it here…
And when we’re gone from here…
Our friends will be drinking all the beer.”

Brendan. I’m an Iowan too. Davenport, born and raised. I used to kinda be a Hawkeye fan, before life drew me further east and to a different Big Ten school altogether - one with actual traditions. Anyway, as an Iowan, I solemnly swear that I do NOT enjoy singing “In heaven there is no beer” “as often as possible.” There are lots of us, Brendan, and we’d hate that song if it wasn’t so insignifcant. I surmise the only reason that song exists is so neighboring states have another reason to rip on us.

Also, I have a lot of friends at Iowa, and they either don’t seem to care about that song, or seem to hate it. So let’s keep it out of your nationally-published traveler’s guide, OK?

Oh, and for the record - I’m a solemn believer that there is, in fact, beer in heaven.

One last one, for the road:

Best place to watch the game: Buffalo Wild Wings.

Ugh. Do you even live in Iowa City?

Eh, one more. Take it away, Brendan:

Best place for student activities: Hubbard Park. In recent weeks, Hubbard Park, adjacent to the Iowa Memorial Union on Madison Street, has been a hot spot. It was the site of “College GameDay” on September 30, when the Hawkeyes hosted Ohio State. It also held a concert featuring the bands Kansas and Guster, as part of Homecoming Week on campus. You’ll find students playing catch with footballs and Ultimate Frisbee, and it’s where many poster sales take place.

Guster? Ultimate Frisbee? POSTER SALES?!?! That is so college, SI On Campus! You know us college kids even better than we know ourselves!

My head just exploded.