Big Game Blogger Breakdown: Tim Tebow is a Titan

October 6th, 2006 | Posted by The Postmen

We love college football. So much so, in fact, that we are giving up any expert pretense we might have and going to people who eat and drink (creepy, eh?) their respective teams. Each Friday, we’ll break down the biggest game of the week with someone who writes or blogs about a team involved. This week, we’re previewing the Florida-LSU tilt set for Saturday afternoon with a little help from the hilarious fellas and Florida fanatics over at everydayshouldbesaturday.com.

Seriously, you need to read this. Because usually we only try to be funny on this site and fail. But with the EDSBS boys taking the majority of text below – you’re in for a real treat.

The Postmen: We gushed about Tim Tebow awhile back after his performance against Kentucky. Is this kid some sort of mythic figure sent to us from Zeus? And are people legitimate in their calling for him to start over Chris Leak?

Every Day Should Be Saturday: No–he predates Zeus, and is in fact one of the Titans, which is why he has a bear of time at the DMV since he predates the Social Security Administration. Fortunately, his resistance to aging and radiation have allowed him to survive the centuries looking youthful, which combined with the ingots of Nazi gold he bribed the counter guy with made his “first” application for a driver’s license plausible.

That said, Titans do not possess an inherited understanding of the game of football, much less Urban Meyer’s spread option scheme. Despite being merely mortal, Chris Leak has a better understanding of what to do and what not to do in this offense, and will therefore get the start barring a sudden upswing in Tebow’s ability to read defenses. Which is something we’re told Titans do very well in their second year.

People who disagree with this and want Tebow to start listen to and enjoy the music of Nickelback. We need say no more.

TP: Give us your favorite Louisiana-ian stereotype.

EDSBS: Cajun-man stereotypes are fun but too easy, so we’ll hone in on a different one entirely: the perpetual Carnivale-type aura surrounding anyone and everyone from Louisiana. If our research has told us anything, it’s that Lousianans are just few snaps and pops of the synapses away from declaring a party on spot, chugging gallon beers effortlessly, exposing their breasts, and immediately stabbing you to death in order to then hire a high-stepping New Orleans funeral band to play at your funeral before resurrecting you with voodoo and beginning the whole cycle again just for the hell of it.

TP: LSU was the last team to beat the Gators at home back in 2004. Does that worry you guys for this weekend?

EDSBS: That stat doesn’t worry us. The roster full of 4.4-running ballhawks in their secondary does. The game’s been reasonably close over the past three years, and will be again no matter if they played it in the parking lot of the Lake City La Quinta, which we totally recommend for nasty anonymous hotel sex. (You’re welcome, Condi.)

TP: We’re big Bear fans. Who’s the better QB – Rex Grossman or Chris Leak?

EDSBS: Grossman. The discerning Gator fan may even tell you they’d take Grossman over Saint Danny simply for style points: he threw an artful deep ball, cannonaded the ball through coverages, and played like he had an extra testicle in any environment. He and Jabbar Gaffney had a mindmeld allowing the two to play almost without looking at each other. Grossman once dribbled a shotgun snap, bounced it once off the ground, and then threw the ball completely across his body to a wide-open Gaffney for a touchdown just seconds before an oncoming rusher pasted him. You’re a lucky NFL team to have him.

TP: From pictures we’ve seen on the Internet and eh, images we’ve seen on the TV, it seems like the undergrad ladies at Florida are pretty top notch. Fact or fiction?

EDSBS: Stranko and I both married Florida ladies, and are still married to them. So yes, both in terms of showroom appeal, mileage, and durability, they’re hard to beat. Take the recent SI On Campus of rich, Corinthian Leather-bound Jenn Sterger looking like a Kosovar stripper next to a perfectly cute but not overmade blond woman with a biggish but apparently natural rack, and you’ve got a good standard to judge the school by. It’s a big state with a diverse gene pool, which helps.

TP: OK, prediction time. Who’s gonna win this won?

EDSBS: Florida, 31-23. We embrace the power of positive thinking. LSU hasn’t run the ball yet, which means Jamarcus Russell will be throwing, throwing, and throwing into our secondary some more. A few crucial picks by our secondary make the difference, since Meyer will button the game plan down to an almost comical degree of conservatism. Lotsa points off of turnovers and possibly a special teams play.

(EDIT: Just so you know, Weekend Fun is taking a break today. It had a hard week; it lost its job at the power plant, the wife ran off with its brother, Case of the Mondays, and its kids said they would never speak to it again. Give the dude some slack, huh?

Anyway, with the college football preview taking over, Weekend Fun might be back, or it might not. If you care either way, drop us a line so we know better. Have a good weekend.)