It might put Indiana hospitals on the map, at least

September 12th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Oh, Lance. What are we going to do with you? We’d like to believe you’re as innocent as the American Pie in American Pie, right before the dude put his penis in it. Untouched, unfettered, dominant American - that’s you, right?

Perhaps. Or perhaps not, since your former teammates keep saying that they took EPO while they were helping you race in the 1999 Tour de France. Perhaps, like the pie, you are spoiled, having injected the sweet penis of performance enhancing drugs into your warm, sweet, American-y crust.

Just a month ago or so, I had hoped Floyd Landis’ situation - you know, getting caught like the day after he won the fucking race - might help you out. If he could be caught that quickly, and tests hadn’t found a whiff of drugs on you in a decade, I figured you might actually be clean.

But things are piling up, my friend. I know you won’t tell us the truth - that would seriously hamper Livestrong product sales - but you might consider buying some sort of exotic island and moving there for good. You know, to avoid the flying brown stuff after it careens through the fan.

If nothing else, people might get reintroduced to your little episode from a few years back, when an Indiana University hospital worker said you admitted to taking performance enhancers. IU hospitals - scouring for truth!