What would have been a live-blog, had I realized I no longer operate on Eastern time…

August 14th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

Every time I come back to Iowa, I feel like I lose an hour of my life.

Never has this hour seemed more costly than tonight, when I inadvertently missed the first few minutes of the “Monday Night Football” game tonight. Of course, this is also Kornheiser’s first game as in the MNF booth. In lieu of a live blog, which would seem more appropriate had I actually been here for the start of the game, let’s just do a running checkup of Kornheiser’s stuff, grading intermittently. Cool? Hit the jump to read on.

– First off, (and we’re officially starting with about 9 minutes left in the first quarter here), and TK is sounding significantly less shrill than usual. I like his style on PTI, but this seems to be a little different.

– Off topic, but the new Vikings unis make the old adage ring true - “You can’t polish a turd.”

– Thus far, TK’s had a few non-football specific riffs, and, as expected, Theismann has seemed to dominate the football discussion. Which would be fine, except I don’t know that Kornheiser isn’t superior to Theismann on all of it.

– Tirico just asked a question to both of his booth counterparts, and neither responded. The trio reeks of chemistry.

– I missed it originally, but since that was the most generic touchdown of all time (Vikings run it in from about 3 yards out) let’s bring it back up: Kornheiser had a decent little analysis of Brad Childress’ coaching style, questioning whether Childress was a teacher or an “assistant principal” to his team. Let’s hope he’s not an assistant principal - my AP of Discipline was a humongous jerkoff. And he had a mustache like Brad’s. Not good.

– Theismann really dominates the football discussion, and TK maybe throws a joke in here and there, but only rarely. He’s really kind of struggling.

– Suzy Kolber close up - what a hottie.

– Theismann blurts “I would love to have Randy Moss on my football team.” Um, Joe. YES. Who wouldn’t? Is this a major realization?

– Sebastian Janikowski nails a really long field goal, and this is already a really boring affair. If anyone is reading this, I’ll just be honest: You can’t be enjoying yourself. You can click away if you want to. I won’t be mad, promise.

– “I’m gelling. I’m so happy my eyes are welling.” Most underrated commercials of all time.

– Kornheiser makes some good points about Brad Johnson being a downgrade from Culpepper, and Theismann disagrees. “He’s an unselfish quarterback; he’s the lowest paid quarterback in the league.” Which is a non-sequitur based on nothing. Theismann continues: “Culpepper wanted $10 million. He didn’t say, can I be a part of this team?”

Wait, now Theismann is defending Culpepper, saying he tried to do too much last year. Kornheiser pursues: “If Culpepper were a stock, and he were healthy, a lot of people would want to buy him. This team has gotten rid of Culpepper and Moss in the last two years. There are a lot of teams who would want those two players.” Theismann goes back after it: “You can’t be a two person football team.”

Joe, you’re getting schooled here. Of course you can’t be a two person football team (and by the way, about 5 minutes ago, you said you wanted Moss on your team), but you can be an overall solid team that thrives on the production of its two franchise stars. That would probably lead to an above average number of wins.

Also, Joe: It’s Tony’s first night on the job, and he’s making far better points than you about football. You’ve been doing this, poorly, for quite some time. Just quit already.

– Tony just got a little reactionary on Aaron Brooks there, saying that Brooks didn’t deserve more money than he got from the Raiders because “Look at those numbers tonight. Those are not good numbers, are they?” Well, TK, he’s 0-4 (now 0-5, after a great Moss catch that was a foot too out of bounds) in the first quarter of his first preseason game. I mean, it’s not like we’re judging you at this point, is it? (What’s that? We are? Oh right.)

– Reason No. 1 I’m kinda loving TK so far - he’s flat calling out Theismann when necessary. Theismann just said “There you go with that writing stuff.” Oh boy.

– Yes, a Snakes on a Plane reference. That shit is going to fucking awesome.

– TK with some bad schtick: “This doesn’t look like Tampa Two to Brooks, it looks like Tampa 32, the way he’s going down.” Ugh. First quarter grade, including bad jokes: B-.

– We’re watching the glorious return of Mike McMahon. So glorious, in fact, the Vikes go three-and-out promptly. “Not exactly a first-round fantasy pick quite yet,” says Tony. Hehe.

– Here’s our first Ask Tony segment of the night; Kornheiser gives a non-answer, then defers to Theismann. Not good. Oh wait, here’s another one - “Did Mike Tice deserve to be fired”, etc? Tony says yes. Theismann says no. PostmanE says yes, tears up, puts a perfectly sharpened pencil in his ear, finds a picture of a double-sided dong, pours some of his Colt onto the basement floor, and waves a peace sign to the sky.

– We’re halfway through the second quarter, and this is probably the fifth or sixth time we’ve gone down to the sidelines. The inanity runs rampant.

– If you’re still watching, 6:51 left in the second quarter. Going to go ahead and wrap this up at halftime. Like any good exhibition, you’re not going to learn much about the teams - or the announcers - after the first half.

– Wow. That was about the perfect ball from former ASU devil Andrew Walter. TK gives props to Joe, who said Walter had a “cannon” right before the pass. “You look like a genius,” Tony says. Oh Tony. No need for false flattery here.

– Yet another Michelle Tafoya appearance. Two sideline reporters. Honestly. How do you spell overkill? T-A-F-O-Y-A-A-N-D-K-O-L-B-E-R.

– Yes, another Ask Tony segment, complete with “Go Tony, go Tony go” music. The question: “What team deserves a great nickname?” Tony again defers to Theismann, who uses the opportunity to get all sactimonious about modern free agency. Weird. Tony said “Snakes on a Plane” would be a good nickname. Agreed. Also, Tony just said he would do the penguin dance if the camera was on him. Amazingly, ESPN doesn’t cut to the booth immediately. The producer should be fired and never allowed to work in television again. Hopefully, it prompts something along these lines in the production offices this week:

Memo, To All MNF Production Staff:

FYI, when Tony is threatening “penguin dance”, get to booth ASAP. No excuses. We must have penguin dance once a a week. Also, Tafoya, it’s not working out. Boxes are on your desk, please check out at the front. Thanks.

– :09 seconds left in this bad boy, and I’m wrapping it up. So what did we learn?

Regardles of his “I’m going to suck” overtures, Kornheiser probably knows more about football than Theismann.

Via two sideline reporters, ESPN is basically giving its viewers the big middle finger. Two is two too many.

Mike Tirico is a steady anchorman. No Ron Burgundy, of course, but he didn’t tell anyone he wanted to “be on them” or, you know, “I know you want to fuck me” tonight, so that’s definitely a plus.

Overall, Theismann = typically horrifying, rarely insightful. Tirico = usually bland, mostly nondescript. Kornheiser = momentarily unfunny, usually amusing, almost always knowledgable.

TK’s final grade, just for threatening penguin dance? B+.

Theismann’s, just for the record, is D-. In other words, par for the course.

– Well, Chris Berman is waxing poetic about down-the-stretch baseball and causing his cohorts to chortle, so that means it’s about time for me to change the channel and up the dosage. Thanks for reading, continue to comment. Love you all.