Team Straight Up Gangsta

July 24th, 2006 | Posted by PostmanR

Inspired by McSweeney’s fantastic baseball roster of fictional serial killers, we decided to take our own stab at filling out a lineup card with straight up thuggin’, iced-out MCs. (Also known as rappers.)

So, yeah, here you go.

Catcher: 50 Cent

Fiddy is one tough dude. Got shot nine times, survived it. Used to slang drugs in South Jamaica Queens, you heard me? He’s big and intimidating. He’d obviously call a great game for a pitching staff, because he’s the leader of G-G-G-G-G-G Unit! Proven leader, he’ll protect the plate fo’ sure. Plus, the bullet proof vest is basically a chest protector.

First Base/Designated Hitter: The Notorious B.I.G.

He’s your power guy. Need that walk-off job in the bottom of the ninth? Biggie Smalls will be there for you. (Like David Ortiz, except likeable.) He’s your quiet, strong leader that does it real big day in and day out. Big target at 1B to boot. Probably ‘roided and HGH’d up as well, all provided by his trainer, Diddy, of course.

Shortstop: Kanye West

K. West makes the illest beats (great defensive plays) and backs up his cocky, bragging bravado with results at the plate. (See his grammys and multi-platinum albums.) His infectious confidence would rub off well on a team. (Like Derek Jeter, only less gay.)

Second Base: Eminem

Perfect compliment to Kanye for your double play combo. Eminem was the underdog, the scrawny little white kid that rose from modest roots in Detroit to take over the African-American dominated hip-hop world. (Like David Eckstein and his height.) Off-field drama with Kim could reach Anna-Kris Benson level. May not look like it, but the dude can hit for power as well. (Like Jeff Kent, minus the mustache.)

Third Base: Nelly

No brainer here. The man who thought it was getting “too hot in hurr” would naturally play the “hot corner.” Plus he used to play baseball back in the day, quite well actually, from what we’ve heard. Also, he had that song with the St. Lunatics “Batter Up.” Although they just used baseball as a metaphor to talk about smoking pot and doing chicks. No matter, really.

Center Field: Dr. Dre

Kinda reminds you of Ken Griffey Jr. Back in the early and mid-90’s, Dre was the best, he was unstoppable. But a falling out with Death Row Records left him off the charts for years. (Griffey’s injuries.) Then Chronic 2001 dropped and we found out he was still the motherfing D.R.E. and he still had love for the streets. (Griffey’s Comeback Player of the Year award in the NL circa 2004.) Dre may not be the best in the game anymore, but he’ll get it done for ya. Proven veteran, he is.

Corner Outfielders: Ying Yang Twins

Wait till you see my….fielding skills! Plus, they look a bit like Manny Ramirez.

Starting Pitcher: Tupac

Just straight up dominant. Best-selling rapper of all-time. Has a number of pitches to throw at you (rapper, actor, activist). Pitches well into his forties. (Similar to releasing music post-death.)

Middle Relief: Nate Dogg

Dude has made about one million appearances on other rappers tracks since he hit it big with Warren G. and “Regulate” back in ’94. (Like Jason Grimsley on the pitching mound, minus the HGH) He’s always consistent, lending his soulful, yet powerful voice to make a track blazin’ hot. We see him as more of finesse, off-speed pitcher than a straight-up fireballer. Whether on a track or the rubber, Nate Dogg’s your, well, dog.

Closer: Twista

Twista is the fastest rapper out there, so yeah, that translates to a 100+ MPH fastball. Plus, he kinda looks like a black Bobby Jenks.

Manager: Suge Knight

We’re talking Suge Knight circa 1992-93. The dude that hung Vanilla Ice from his ankles out of a hotel room balcony. The dude that was an enforcer and got the best out of his talent. Don’t mess up with Suge Knight as your manager, or he’ll have you killed. We mean that. Seriously.