Live-blogging rampant vapidity

June 22nd, 2006 | Posted by PostmanE

So, since we’ve got this little “…with a pop culture twist” misnomer going up top there, we can get a away with something like this. If you don’t want to read it, that’s cool. But I’ve tossed this around ever since this show came on. It needs it, it wants, it deserves it, damnit. It’s The Hills, live-blogged…

Allow me to set the scene for you, The Hills rookies. Laruen from Laguna Beach, you know, this girl moves to Los Angeles and enrolls in some hi-end fashion school. She has a friend, Heidi (seen in photo), though we know not the origin of this person. She seems to have manifested out of the LA ether. They have other friends, boyfriends, etc.

Of course, they are all aspiring actors/actresses/PR people/fashion columnists/Carrie Bradshaws.

Lauren has a job at Teen Vogue, who hired her minus any sort of writing or professional fashion experience. Thanks MTV! Also, Heidi just dropped out of school - fashion school, no less - and is considering quitting her supposed “dream job” because she apparently doesn’t get to party at her job all the time. She is an unqualified idiot with no discernible redeeming personal or social qualities, besides her looks. Everyone else on the show is completely ancillary to these two and their exploits.

As you can see, I wasn’t lying when I said this desperately needed a live blog. For ridiculous-ness, The Hills is Laguna Beach on HGH. Check it out after the jump button:

10:02: OK, so here we are. Previously on The Hills, blah blah blah. A ring at the front door of a ridiculously nice LA apartment complex. Again - thanks MTV! Huge pink flowers for Lauren. But who are they from…come on…don’t keep me in suspense…Jason! Jason? Oh…Jason from Laguna Beach. The douchebag with the beard. Ahh.

10:04: Show intro now. Great theme song: “Today is where your book begins; the rest is still unwritten.” Natasha Beddingfield, sports fans. Whoa. Life is like a book. That’s deep.

10:06: LC tells her more attractive co-worker, Whitney, about her flowers. Apparently, Jason cheated on her. Drama.

10:07: Heidi’s at work now (this show moves around quickly, I can’t keep up) and she is completely clueless. Plenty of people calling, asking her to do things, nagging her. You know, just like any other workplace in the United States of America. For most people, this is a regular day at the office. For Heidi, this has two-week notice written all over it.

10:07: LC, after like three calls from the increasingly creepy Jason, gets all tarted up for an impending date. Cue LA skyline at night - check. Acoustic music - check. Awkward “long time no see” from beard boy - check.

10:08: “Just wanted to hang out” line is dropped. Of course, Jason asserts that he is calling because he “wants to make sure you’re still not so pissed.” Lauren says something about being with someone and liking them but not liking them but thinking you really like them, or something like that, and I get the distinct sensation that comments are actually flying under my head.

10:09: Commercial break. There’a a Making the Band 3?!? What the hell is going on?!

10:13: Phew. We’re back. Just looked over what was furiously typed. What a ridiculous idea this was…

10:14: Jason shows up at Teen Vogue. Stalker… Jason meets more attractive Whitney. Jason seems to momentraily lose interest in LC. This guy, for being a huge douchebag, has some sack.

10:16: Lunch conversation between LC and Jason, something about going fishing or something. Girlfriend of writer of ridiculous blog post says “Man, they’re playing some good music tonight.” as Feist comes on. She pronounces it “Feast.” I don’t know if that’s the correct pronunciation, but we’ll go with it.

10:18: Heidi confronts co-worker about being the office errand-bitch. Just quit already! Be a failure! Your dad is probably rich; just live off him for a few more years! You know you want to!

10:19 “He’s definitely trying to entice you into something more than just friends.” First of all…yes, flowers and candy usually mean more than “I want to be your friend” in any context. Second…in The Hills, they mean, “Hey, how about you and I go back to my ridiculously plush house (though I have no apparent source of income) and be vaguely sexual and vaguely irresponsible, but not explicitly so, so that parents get angry at MTV enough for their kids to want to watch but not enough for them to stage some sort of cable-cancelling revolt?”

10:20: Commercial break. Breathe deeply. In case you were wondering, you can, in fact, obtain The Hills ringtones. Thank Buddha. Now you can think about this show - and incidentally, this blog post - every time you get a text message. Reassuring.

10:24: We’re back. The house also has a pool. Thanks MTV! “Just be careful with Jason,” Heidi tells LC. Ah, Heidi, work-challenged fashion school-dropout doubling as the voice of reason.

10:26: Ha. Heidi just got the big “order me lunch” from the boss. The ultimate secretary slap in the grill. And she’s back with the food, and surprise, the beverage is missing. Cue whiny call to boyfriend. Tears here. Apparently, “dream job” has gone to “I have this job I absolutely hate, you know? I’m gonna quit.” That took a good three days. Tremendous work ethic.

10:28: LC and Jason in dark movie theater. It’s 10:28, which means the classic Laguna Beach “did they hook up or didn’t they” finish. Jason lets LC out of his Range Rover. Thanks MTV! Hug. Make out. “Let’s, um, go to dinner or something.” Smooth. Cue credits. Unbelievable.

Preview: Eventually, Jason is a dick to LC. That’s all I could gather from that.

Well, if you actually made it through all that, I think you probably already had an internal love/hate for The Hills. If you didn’t, hopefully now you get it. This is “reality” TV minus every possible shred of reality, with actors paid to act as stupid and vapid as humanly possible.

I hate this show. But I also love it. Thanks MTV!